"I could no more write a historical romance than an epic poem. I could not sit seriously down to write a serious romance under any other motive that to save to my life;and if it were indispensable for me to keep it up and never relax into laughing at myself or other people, I am sure I should be hung before I had finshed the first chapter."Jane Austen

Hate and Other Things

Chapter 1- Attack Of The Clowns

I never loved nobody fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
all these voices
I hear in my mind
all these words
I hear in mind
all this music
and it breaks my heart...

Suppose I never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose I never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft
suppose I never ever saw you
suppose you never ever called
suppose I kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall...

All my friends say
that of course it's
gonna get better...

Regina Spektor- Fidelity

Hate- to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.


My name is Samantha Matthews and I am a coward.

No, this isn't a twelve step program; I just thought you should know. Really what's the point in denying it, we all have our faults right?

And it's really not as if my current actions are displaying some sheer bravery or something. Actually, it's more my lack of action, that isn't helping my reputation as a courageous gal.

Did I just say gal?

What is wrong with me?

Oh never mind.

You're probably mildly confused here, so let me explain a few things; I do not like clowns, at all.

Clowns are evil.

I'm talking pure evil here. Satan's minion's kind of evil.


I'm not over reacting ok, math teachers pale in comparison to them, they look humane compared to clowns!

And as we all know math teachers are not.


You already knew that clowns are easily the most terrifying things on the planets.

Good, that's a relief.

So it's not totally insane that I've been standing here for a half hour, like a statue, refusing to enter the clown tent in front of me. Here, being the town church's annual carnival. It wasn't that crazy right? Sure I did look a bit stupid, just standing there with a terrified look etched in my face, surrounded by hordes of little kids who actually did want to see the clowns. They were the freaky ones though, right?

"Hey hurry up! I want to see the clowns!"

"Yeah hurry up, my mommy says we have to leave soon!"

Oh great five year olds were yelling at me. I felt like I was at six flags again, watching a bunch of second graders go on rides I wouldn't.

What is with children anymore, didn't their parents teach them to fear people in face paint?

"Shut up you stupid little brats! I'm trying to face my fears here." I hollered out to them angrily and of course they snickered. I am never having children.

"Come on Sam, you can't just stand here all night. You're blocking up the line." Audrey Rose, my supposed best friend, sighed in frustration at me.

I just found out tonight that she is in fact, an evil blonde sadist who has it out for me. So I will be looking for a new best friend if I survive the night. You see Audrey is the one, (using total peer pressure btw) who decided I needed to "face my fears" or something like that. Secretly I think she just wants me dead because I'm prettier than her, and the girl's got some vanity issues. Why do I have to face my fears? Who ever said that people have to face their fears? What's going to happen if I do? Am I going to discover some long hidden love of the clown life, realize they're very nice people, and become one?


"Oh I can. You would be surprised at how much dedication I have when it comes to not entering that place." I replied wittily as I squirmed from the March chill, that was invading my fashionable but thin jacket. I glared at Audrey not that it bothered her one bit. I could be at home right now. A home that was three blocks away from the church, and the clowns. So if any of them escaped I would have time to run.

I'm sixteen! I don't want to die!

I realize I sound like a friggin drama queen right now, but I'm not…ok I am.

"Come on, I'll go with you! You have to face your fears someday Sam!" Audrey nodded vigorously at me, doing some weird jump around me, and making her impossibly large doe eyes even larger. Hmm, perhaps she was trying to brainwash me. Then I realized what she was in fact doing. She was becoming Super Audrey! Whose sole Super power was inspiring anyone to do anything! With her skills a five hundred pound man could become a major hottie in days, kittens could talk, and world peace could be achieved by giving the world a giant hug and a therapist.

I realize the kitten's thing was bit out there, but Audrey really wants animals to be able to speak.

There was no way she would let me leave now without at least a balloon animal.

I was screwed.

Look I love my best friend even if she is sick in the head. Sometimes when she gets into cheerleading mode though, and chants "you can do anything as long as you believe in yourself", I really believe that I want to throttle her. With her own pom-poms. And then do a cheer about it.

Is that a little bit odd?

I blew out a deep sigh, trying to figure out the best method of fending off her eagerness. It was ten o'clock on a Friday night and I was at a kiddie carnival trying to not die; because apparently, I don't face my mortality enough. And yes, I am going to keep stressing my possible death, get over it.

Actually come to think of it, this was worse than a kiddie carnival, this was a church carnival. That meant that instead of getting prizes when you win a game, you receive a delightful psalm, and a warning about how you could burn in hell for your sins. Oh also, the karaoke was religiously influenced and no one was allowed to sing Britney Spears.

But I'm getting distracted as I tend to do.

Ok goal:

I need to get away from this clown tent, some how, some way.

I just needed to be logical and clear. Or I could run away screaming "Help! She's trying to kill me!" The latter could get messy though, so I think I'll go with logical, for now. Ok I'll start by talking, because you know I haven't said anything in a while and Audrey is started to look maniacal.

"No I don't. If I was like afraid of sharks would you make me go pet one? No. If I feared being buried alive would you bury me alive? No. So you just leave me, and my fear of clowns alone."

Humph that should work; it was completely plausible after all.

Damn it. Of course I was wrong, it did not work. Not even a little bit.

Audrey shot me an incredulous look at my words, a look that clearly read I was not through with this torture. As a last ditch effort, I answered her with my best puppy dog eyes and pout. That also failed in its attempt. This is truly saddening, because my pout and puppy dog eyes are famous, in their ability to get me what I want. I hope I'm not losing my cuteness; it's really all I've got going for me.

Sadly her next action sealed the end of our 8 year friendship. We would most certainly not be best friends for life, live next door to each other, and have arranged marriages for our children, after this.

She shoved me inside of the tent.

That whore.

"Don't even think about trying to get out Sam-tastic, you're staying in till you've meet one. And if it does actually kill you, then I'm really sorry!" She called to me inside the tent, her voice deceivingly innocent and sweet.

The darkness of the tent enveloped me, a sole light coming from an eerie trail of candles, which illuminated maniacal clowns pictured on the walls. Oh joy, what fun. I shivered. What was wrong with my church, what carnival has a tent for clowns? That's all secluded and creepy and like totally dangerous!

This was not pleasant.

One thought was racing through my head, one very fervent thought.

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'M GOING TO DIE!

Oh wait…I was stronger than Audrey… I could get past her.

I never said I was smart, ok!

Jeez, don't judge me.

I ran towards the opening of the tent. Yes I actually ran, in heels I might add, and no, I'm not even the littlest bit embarrassed of it. Of course, if I hadn't been running, I might not have collided with the large mass blocking my entrance to freedom. And I wouldn't have landed hard on my ass like I did.


I forgot that most of mine and Audrey's friends are male, and that of course they would love to help Audrey in her torture of me. She's like Oprah, no one denies her.

Great, great, great.

"You know, while your rushing to get out there's a whole group of kindergartners waiting outside, without fear I might add, to enter."

Oh no, I recognized that voice. I hated that voice.

This night could not possibly get worse.

It had to be him, of all the people Audrey could have sent to stop me. Of course, who else would relish in my utter humiliation quite so much? Judging from the amused grin, and mocking glint my blocker wore, no one.

What did I ever do to God, that he would punish me so?

Oh right, I mocked the church like minutes ago.

And my cousin's gay, so you know if Catholics are right, I must have to face punishment, just for being related to him.


Well at least it wasn't a clown; I mean I'm almost positive he's not a serial killer. Almost. Who knows really?

"Are you just going to sit there and wait for the clowns to eat you? I hear they thrive off human flesh."

I rolled my eyes as I stood up, and resisted the urge to kick him where it would hurt the worst.

See let me explain, I don't just loath people at random, I'm not that girl, I'm not. Well, some people, but it really bothers me when I see fanny packs on people, or lime green cheetah print shirts. You know, it's not that hard to remember what year it is. And while Aiden Chase has never once worn a fanny pack, or anything that was lime green; he was a jackass. A big, huge, jackass, who took delirious pleasure in driving me insane. Seriously, it's his pastime, he's told me so.

I hate him. End of story.

There's something else you should know about me.

Fate completely despises me.

So of course like a bad cliché, here he was, at the worst opportune moment. And he will never, ever, let me hear the end of this. See, I've somehow managed to keep my secret fear unknown to him, in the two and half years he's been a pain in my ass, but no, now I will be hearing clown jokes for the rest of my high school career. Possibly longer, Aiden is quite dedicated to keeping his enjoyment alive. This is why after high school I plan to become of those weird artsy people, who hang out in coffee shops, and wear berets. Aiden severely dislikes those types of people, so he might actually leave me alone then. Plus I look cute in black.

"You know," I sputtered; as I tied back my massive brown curls (which I'm positive looked horrendous and frizzy, at the moment), "It's not that weird to be afraid of clowns. It's not like I'm afraid of tin foil!"

"No, you're just terrified of people who bring joy and merriment, into others lives. I understand, clowns are twisted individuals, it's not you."

"That's what they said about Michael Jackson too, ok, so yeah."

Great, that made a ton of sense.

And now I was blushing. Awesome. I had to be the only naturally tan person, in the history of forever, who turns as red as a tomato, when embarrassed.

I moved to evade him but he reached out, blocking me with his arm. This drew me annoyingly close to Aiden, a place I did not want to be, and I bit back a groan. Funnily enough, I was one of the few girls who wouldn't enjoy this err, position. No thank all creation, he is not one of our high schools resident "gods", he's not popular enough to be. Aiden is however rather good looking; too bad his personality ruins it.

You want to know what he looks like now, don't you?

Fine, gah, it's not like he's the best looking male ever! He's just you know hot, he's got like a nice face, or something.

… What? I am not avoiding the question!

Alright, alright, I'm lying, he's gorgeous ok; he's got amazing gray eyes, perfect hair, actual cheekbones, and a surprisingly toned body, for someone who refuses to join our school's sports teams. There, are you happy now? Because it doesn't matter, because he is the spawn of Satan, or the spawn of Satan's spawn, because you know, I'm sure Satan has already had spawns before Aiden.

Did I mention that I get distracted easily? Cause I really really do.

"Move Chase." I spat out.

"No Matthews."

I couldn't really see his face that well in the dark, but I would have to be completely stupid, to not know he was enjoying this. Another reason I hate him: he is a complete control freak. Honestly, I'm surprised he's not hooked on Sims and if he was, you know he would like burn them all in a fire, or trap them in walls.

"Sorry Matthews, but I can't let you leave."

"Taking orders from Audrey now. Isn't it a bit sad, to be bossed around by your best friend's girl friend?"

"Not when it's so much fun for me, I can't wait to see you go postal on this poor guy."

I sighed, and then I sighed again. Aiden smirked and grabbed my arm, leading me to the gauntlet. I tried to struggle as best as I could, but there was the slight problem of Aiden being 6'3 in structure, and outweighing me, by well a lot. And despite my utter reluctance and stubborn spirit, the best I could do was keep my legs as rigid as possible. So I had a choice, I could plead and really make this the most embarrassing night of my life, or I could suck it up.

"You know what I was watching last night. It. Isn't that the best movie? The greatest part was when the clown killed that guy, in the shower, and blood just poured from everywhere! I mean, everywhere!"

No, it wasn't the best movie. And he was not going to frighten me, he wasn't!

Jesus, this dark completely empty corridor sure was long.

How big was this damn tent and where the hell were the clowns?

Waiting in the darkness to chop up their victims.

I am such a freak.

"Well," Aiden said, as we were finally standing before a curtain door that read, 'greet the clowns', "Have fun. If one of them is holding a long knife, I'm sure it's plastic." He looked sincerely at me, patted my back and tried to push me inside. Like a person throwing a live mouse into a snake's cage and then watches it run around in terror for a few minutes, as the person looks on in enjoyment. I was the mouse in that little analogy, in case you didn't get it.

"Wait, aren't you going to come with me? I mean, don't you want to see the clowns, have them squirt you with water or something?" I asked him, my voice coming out squeaky, and of course desperate. If I don't die tonight, I may just have to do a murder/suicide anyways, to live down the shame of this experience. So yay, bright future!

He looked at me like I was mad. "No way man, clowns are creepy."

"I hate you."


"Just wanted you to know my true feelings, in case I like die."

He just smirked and tapped his watch, with an expectant air.

Ok I can do this, I can do this. I mean lots of people had entered and left the tent seemingly fine.

I shot my frostiest look at Chase (because damn it, I would go down fighting) and entered.

Then I proceeded to do what any normal person would, at the sight of not one, but three clowns.

I fainted.

Oh sweet irony, why does everything happen to me?

I hope the clowns eat Aiden.