They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste. I can agree with that, but what if you never had a mind to begin with? I'm not talking about people with mental difficulties, because they have a mind they can have trouble with. I'm talking about the ones in your dreams, the ones who float by, seemingly hypnotized by whatever is driving them forward. I've always been fascinated by them, but not once have I given them any serious thought…until now, that is. I guess you really can't call this any serious thoughts either, since these are just tired ramblings of a teenager who really should get to bed instead of writing this.
Whenever I fall asleep, I have moments of lucidity where I feel I know absolutely everything and can see everything. Of course, that feeling is just a figment of my imagination, conjured up by my ever-struggling brain as it tries to keep a hold of the conscious world; as if it's afraid to sink into the darkness…maybe it's afraid of them.
I don't know if you're going to bother reading this, but I feel the need to ask you: have you seen them? The shapeless, eyeless forms that travel by you in speeds you can never even hope to achieve? The ones who somehow seem to be able to stare at you without really staring at you? If you haven't, then you should be glad, because those things scare me enough to sometimes fear falling asleep. I know it sounds crazy, but something I can't grasp, imagine or communicate with is far more frightening than any kind of pain, torture or war can.
Am I a coward? Does fearing to fall asleep qualify me for that? Or is it another way of expressing negativity without anyone else getting hurt? I just don't get it. The Beings, I've decided to call them that, seems to be driven by something wicked, or just plain evil. When they travel by me, they usually jerk to the sides and generally shamble, which somehow makes me believe they're zombies of some kind…but since I know that zombies don't exist, why am I making that comparison? Is it the movement, or that great void of any intelligent thought?
If you haven't clicked this thing away yet, I must, somehow, have intrigued you…why? Never mind, don't answer; I have a habit of asking questions no one answers anyway.
The Beings never say anything, they're just…staring, and stare with no eyes is creepy, horrifying even. Sometimes they look directly at me, sometimes just in my general direction. When they look at me, specifically into my eyes, I get a sense of dread, like nothing will ever be okay, like the world is going to go under or move on without me. Spending eternity in a dark tunnel with The Beings is a prospect I don't want to think about. Suddenly, they are gone, and I find myself in the lovely little dream world that my mind actually likes, and I can relax. I dream of anything, really. Being a famous guitarist in a metal band, climbing mountains, being a resident in an asylum. Yes, you read right. I have dreams of being a permanent patient in an institution. The orderlies? The Beings, of course. At this stage, my mind decides to go crazy, making my dream-self convulse and shake, desperate to get away from the strange, soulless creatures that for some reason want everything and nothing to do with me. It's unnerving, and I can't for the life of me figure out why this is.
It's usually at this stage I wake up, another moment of clarity upon me before hearing the blaring alarm-clock…but sometimes, the dreaming doesn't end here. Sometimes, the "dream" will last for hours, The Beings ever there, staring with their non-existent eyes. I ask you again, am I going insane? Or maybe I already am and just haven't realised it yet…hehe, I'm confusing myself. Is that a good thing? I mean, if I can keep my mind occupied with trying to figure this out, then maybe I can ignore The Beings, releasing their hold on me.
Then again, The Beings never did have a hold on me…after all; they're just looking at me, not holding me down or anything. If I am somehow able to ignore them, is it possible for me to get rid of them altogether? No, I don't think so. For as long as I can remember I've been able to see them, and I expect I will see them long after I am gone…depressing thought, really, since it entails that I will never be able to have a night's sleep without being terrified to start one. Imagine it, a fifty-year old man with balding hair and a beer gut afraid to fall asleep, almost to the point of tears. Hideous sight, no? I hope it won't come to that, but if does, then it does, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
The Beings don't like me; I can feel their hatred, pulsating inside their rotting, hollow bodies. I don't know why they do, though, since I've never done anything to upset them apart from just…being there. Maybe it's just meant to be.
I can feel my eyes drooping and that familiar feeling of fear coming over me. Maybe I'll just fall asleep here, in front of my computer and Stargate SG-1 running in the background…I know it's usually on at this hour. Yup, it is, I just checked.
My heart is beating fast now, because I spotted something in the corner of my eye as I was reaching for the remote for my TV. It looked like one of them, but that's impossible since they only exist in dreams…right? Have you ever seen them? Their appearance is hard to describe, but you will know what I'm talking about if you actually have seen them…I can't see you, so I'll assume you're shaking your head. It's okay, no one else I've told about this have seen them either, so I guess they're just something that exists on my head.
And with that sentence, I've just answered my own question. I really am going insane, slowly but surely. The Being in my room right now confirms it. It has been building up in a while, but I guess it hasn't really been that bad until now.
I'm afraid, you know, very afraid. Afraid that if I turn around right now it's going to be there, staring at me once again. I'm also afraid of what will happen when I slumber with this…this thing…still in my room.
Are you scared? I hope not, for it was not my intention to scare you, I just wanted to make you aware of what I'm going through…and it's not for pity's sake either, I just wanted…someone to know. Surely you must understand. Ff you've fallen and broke your leg and have to spend a long time in bed, you call your friends and complain, don't you? I wouldn't know, I've never broken my leg.
The Being, I've decided to name him Jack, is making some kind of hissing noise now, maybe annoyed at the way I'm pointedly ignoring him. Jack seems to be of the more impatient character. He stopped now. Huh…strange, he's gone. Maybe he grew tired of me and my crazy thoughts, as I'm sure you have right now, so I will leave this at that and brave another night's sleep. Maybe I will bring a report…maybe I won't, either way, consider these thoughts as finished. Thank you for reading and, hopefully, understanding.