Emmitt, You Smell Like My Destruction
Bonus Chapter One: The Devil's Spawn

Me with my boring life and evil master plan. Emmit with his pretty boy haircut, girl jeans and eyeshadow. I'm desperately trying not to fall for the one I'm paying to be my boyfriend.. but damn it! Emmitt, you smell like my destruction. Slash

M for language, adult content and any other goodies I come up with.

-----

"Let's have a kid."

That was the sentence that started this whole spell of ridiculousness. Emmitt said it to me three weeks ago and he's been swooning around the apartment ever since, day dreaming about how happy our family would be.

"I don't know if you're a little slow today but we're not quite equipped for that kind of thing, Em." I gave him my usual sarcastic answer to any utterly amazing thing he said.

Alas, the beast would not sleep but only poke and prod at the subject. I did mention that being a gay couple, our chances were severely downed over and over again. I went over all the things that our child's friends would ask and how he/she would be teased by our feelings.

He would hear none of it--the only answer was to take action, another plan of epic proportions. This, however, was a bit more simple and with one easy phone call it was all arranged. After all, Alice was more than happy to be rid of the little scoundrel for a few days.

It was none of my concern, really. I was to relax and soak up the feeling of a winner while Em scrambled around with a kid. So far it was going alright, today we're at the beach and their off doing something I want to part in. I'm here, listening to the soft crash of the waves while I sit under the blistering sun and read. Yes, read.

"Uncle Willlll!" A high pitched squeal caught my attention, coming from the little wretch I dared to call family. The five-year-old terror came running up the beach, bright pink swimsuit covered with sand and who-knows-what. This, my dear friends, is Amelia Warner.

"Willy!" She called again, a bit too loud since she was at my side already.

"What is it?" I looked around, noting her caretaker was not to be found.

"Nothing..." She giggled, clasping her hands in front of her and swayed from side to side innocently. She'd only been with us one day and I knew that look, it was one the devil crafted especially for her.

"Amelia-.." I made my tone firm as I closed the book I'd been engulfed in.

"Uncle Emmitt sad he was going to throw me into the ocean!" Good! I mean, shame on him...

"Oh really? And just where is Uncle Em?" I panned around again to see happy people playing Frisbee and such, but no Emmitt.

She did not answer but just gave a soft giggle, those blond pig-tails bouncing as she covered her mouth. She was the devil incarnate.

"Fine, don't tell me!" I relaxed once again and turned my attention to the book, opening back up to my spot as I watched her from the corner of my eye. She's settled next to me is playing with the edge of the towel I happen to be sitting on.

Long moments passed. Nothing but the happy chatter of people and the annoying squawk of seagulls to drown them out. Nothing. Nothing.

"Why does Uncle Emmitt wear a shirt when he goes swimming?"

I quirked a brow, it was true that he did but I never thought about it until now. "I guess it's because he's shy." I answered without even looking up from my book. This was the way she was, questions and even more questions.

"Then why don't you wear a shirt too?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Can you swim?"

"Yes, Amelia, I can swim."

"Then why don't you?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Uncle Emmitt swims."

At this point I was ready to snap her neck, but I was saved by the bell. In this case the bell was in the form of a man who's hair had grown out and was dyed with reds and silvers. He was also soaking wet.

"Little brat!" He hissed, hands pulling at the wet tee he wore along with silver trunks decorated with orange skulls. Mine were the same, just opposite coloring.

"What happened?" He blocked out the sun so I could actually look up.

"She tripped me and I somehow ended up in the fucking ocean!"

Upon looking to the little devil I found her giggling uncontrollably. No doubt Em was telling the truth.

I did my best to suppress any hits of laughter that came from me but I did not get every bit, and he pulled a most heartbreaking frown.

"Say you're sorry." I instructed, making her sit up right with a single hand.

"Sorreh." She blurted between giggles, and Em sighed in return. He had not bothered to sit down, he simply crossed those long arms and shifted his weight. I get the point.

"Are you ready to go?" I inquired.

"Just a tad." He houghed at the air, he was obviously steaming. How was it now Em, still want a kid? I do believe that they've had enough excitement for one day, so I casually closed my book and rose to my full height. Turned out I had not been quite done growing back when we met, so I was now just a bit taller than Emmitt.

I reached down and gathered up the towel I'd been sitting on to drape it about his shoulders, poor thing looked like a wet puppy.

"Well, shall we? Amelia, get your bucket." She grabbed her toys and shoved them into the container and we were off, back to the car and it was not a far drive to our apartment.

I'm pretty sure I grinned all the way home; I loved it when a plan came together like that.

-----

The room was dark, sound blurring together in a fit of animated glee while the happy penguin danced his way to a happy ending. The soft glow of the television illuminated us, I was on the far end of the couch, feet up on the coffee table and slouched down while Em was curled against me, head resting on my chest and eyes staring blankly at the mind-numbing movie.

Low snores could be heard from the other end of the couch, the little devil spawn had fallen asleep, head resting on the arm while the rest of her was sprawled out, covered by a fleece blanket. The couch was a mess of popcorn thrown around by the spawn herself.

I took a very careful and inspecting glance to see if she really was asleep, and sure enough, those arms that wrapped about the bowl of popcorn were limp and her lids were shut.

I pressed a kiss to the part in Em's hair--he still smelt like salt water. "She's asleep..." I whispered.

He stirred and made his own inspection lifting off me to take a closer look. His hands quickly moved together and made a giddy clapping motion while he grinned before he moved in one fluid motion, body lifting off the couch and to his feet without a sound.

How the fuck did he do that? I tried and failed miserably, feet creaking the floorboards when I put my weight into them.

Shhh he hissed lowly, glancing to make sure she had not moved.

All was fine as we tip-toed our way out of living room and up the half-step to our bedroom. Em flicked on the light and I shut the door behind us as silently as possible.

"God, finally!" He whispered, looking like he had some sort of nasty taste in his mouth. "She's a demon! I'm not sure how the hell I even ended up in the ocean, she tripped me way up on the beach." It was only this afternoon and we'd not been alone, so it was no surprise that he wanted to get this off his chest.

I pulled my shirt over my head and discarded it into the small pile on the floor, half-listening to his whispered rant on how she has magical powers. My watch was next, I flicked it off and set it on the bed side table.

"And all the questions, I think my head is going to explode..." He was practically sobbing now, hands covering his face. I took this brief opportunity to sneak up behind him and hold him gently to my chest.

"Now, now." I cooed into his neck. "Whatever shall we do to get our minds off this predicament?" I questioned, pecking gently at the soft flesh there. It really was not my fault that I was frisky... It just happened that way.

"Hmm?" He asked, not even paying attention to my obvious advances. Damn him to hell. Not really, just damn him to my bed, please?

I sighed and decided to try again, moving on shamelessly I slid my fingertips under his shirt and ran my hand across the surprisingly cold skin of his stomach. "Nothing..." I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed as he hardly even acknowledged my presence.

His head leaned back against me, multicolored chin-length locks pressed into my bare shoulder as his eyes stared across the room, lifelessly. I simply watched for a moment until his mouth opened to speak.

"You know, we could just drop her off on the corner and-"

"Emmitt!" I stomped my foot and for the first time broke the whisper we'd been sharing.

His shoulder shook slightly as he pulled from my grasp, sheepish smile plastered across his face. "Sorry..." He muttered, pressing his lips to mine.

I kissed him, but only for a brief moment. "You know how much of a turn off it is to talk about a six-year-old?" I sighed, a little frustrated with the whole situation. But who could be mad at the frowning one who just begged for love and attention? Not me.

"I can fix that." He informed me after a second, frown morphing into a devious smile to match those evil eyes. He pressed forward over my firmly crossed arms and kissed at my jaw, both orbs turned up to watch me. I melted from my tough facade within a minute to be rewarded by a smile and more kisses from Em.

I quickly let my arms fall and grasped at his middle, holding firmly while I moved and took him with me--falling, with him, onto the bed. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me down to him, our lips meeting in a kiss that was to send me into oblivion.

Knock, knock, knock. An unfamiliar sound made it's way to my ear, I just ignored it and fell deeper into Emmitt, he tasted like mint and honey and it was one of my many addictions.

Knock, knock, knock. "Uncle Willy..." This time it was accompanied by the soft sound of a devil spawn. I pulled up from Em and he sighed deeply, falling back onto the bed while I cursed the child out under my breath.

I reluctantly left my glorious spot to open the door and find just who I expected standing there. "What is it?" I asked.

"I can't sleep." She wined at me, and I was not falling for it.

"You were asleep just a second ago."

"I had a bad dream."

I rolled my eyes, she did not even look upset. She was just bent on killing my sex life. Wait... she probably did not even know what sex was.

"Can I sleep in your bed?" I stared at her for a moment, cursing her out even more but those huge brown eyes broke my heart.

"Yes, hop in." I kicked myself in the crotch... mentally. Fuck me.

"Weee!" She squealed as she rushed by and climbed up onto the bed, taking my spot as Emmitt and already found his way under the covers. I flicked off the light and made my way over.

"Push over, pip-squeak." She moved further towards Emmit and I sunk into my normal spot. Well, normal was not the right word because there was nothing normal about this. Em was my personal body pillow and right now there was a whinny six-year-old between us... I hate my life.

-----

"Where'd Uncle Emmitt go?"

"He had to go to work."

"Why?"

"Because money is nice to have."

"Why?"

"Because without money we would not have a place to live."

"Where do you work?"

"I don't, I'm going to school."

"I go to school!"

Kill me now. This was suppose to be Emmitt's thing to take care of the kid, but noooo, he had to run into the gallery for a private showing. Fuck rich people and their ability to bribe people to do their every bidding. Well, at least it was nice for Em, apparently someone was really interested in his art.

I grabbed the large silver bowl out of the cupboard and blew the dust out of it, no one cooked in this house much but we've taken it upon ourselves to make brownies. It's not so hard, right?

"Get the box, please."

Amelia scampered over and grabbed the box of mix, she dropped it at least twice on the way back over to the table. "What can I do?" She asked, setting the box on my finger tips.

"Hold on." I snapped my hand away and opened the box. Quickly, I ripped the clear package out and opened it. "Pour this into the bowl." I instructed and went to get the water that was needed.

I turned from the sink to see she'd done as asked, but more than half the mix was on the table top rather than in the bowl. "Nicely done." I swooped the lost mix into the bowl and she practically squirmed with joy. What an odd little girl.

"Can I crack an egg!?" She'd already grabbed the egg from the table and was hitting it onto the table, lucky for us she was not very strong.

"No!" I grabbed her wrist and pulled the pour egg from her grasp. I set it back into the smaller bowl with it's companion and measured out the oil we needed. I just so happened to look and she was staring at the ground, looking quite sad. Why the hell was this so hard?

"Here. You just have to be careful." I told her while I pulled the smaller bowl over to her. "Crack it on the side, like this." I took the eggs and in a single hit the contents fell from one. She watched silently and I handed her the other egg, she attempted to copy my movement but ended up with shell all over our lovely egg-insides.

"Nice job." I puffed her up a little as I fished out the flecks of shell from the yellow and clear liquid.

She beamed up at me and responded by throwing the egg shells away, maybe she would not be so horrid if she just had a little ego boots? Hmm.

The clacking of perfectly black dress shoes rang across the room as she tossed them in the trash and was back at my side in a flash, staring up at me as I mixed the batter. I peeked at her from the corner of my eye and she would not let up, that face of turning wheels and clicking thoughts.

At about my forty-fifth stir she broke our cursed silence.

"Mom says that Emmitt and you are in love."

"Good to know your Mom is not a liar." A smile spread over my features, not quite sure what to think about Amanda talking about us with her child.

"Mom says that her and Daddy are in love." Daddy being Justin no doubt, the two had never married and never got along rather well but there was just something that kept them together.

"Your Mom says a lot of things, eh?" I went and got the never-used pan from the shelf and started to pour the thick concoction in. I popped it in the over and turned to see the little devil still staring at me, that look still upon her face.

I approached with caution, knowing there was some odd and unnecessary question to be had. "Want some batter?" I asked, offering her the spatula I'd been stirring with.

She nodded quickly and took it, pig tails bobbing strangely as she licked the green object clean of the chocolate goodness we call brownies. Once finished those eyes turned up to me again, I could just tell it was on it's way.

"When did you an Uncle Emmitt meet?"

I took the now clean object from her and put it in the sink. "In High school." I simply answered, sappily recalling that wonderful day.

"What's the first thing you notice about him?" Another question. Yay me.

"His eyes." I answered honestly. "What's with all the questions, pip-squeak?" The nickname I'd come to use more than her own name, after all, calling her a devil spawn to her face would not go over so well.

Large eyes stared at me, her tiny features becoming over run by a smile. "Mommy said she met Dad in grade school." She nodded quickly before giggling at me. "Dad said that the first thing he notice about her was her..." She covered her mouth with a hand, cracking up while she said the naughty word. "Ass."

I gasped, swatting at her. "Don't say that!" I scolded, keeping all comments to myself and rolling about laughing on the inside. Now I had some dirt on them, her ass of all things!

Amelia was having a giggle-fit, squirming as I struck at her playfully. "Silly Willy!" She screamed and pushed at me, bolting by to the living room. Needless to say I'd been a bit stunned. I'd not been called that since the fifth grade... every time the kid started to grow on me she had to do something like that. Curse her.

-----

"Will- please! Comeon.. It's only a day early and she's making me pull my hair out." We'd held up in our room, the child outside being mesmerized by the soothing sounds of a random Disney film.

"Now, now. We wanted a child, didn't we? I mean, how ever are we to have one of our own if we can't keep her for four days?" I spoke to him in a condescending tone, mostly joking as he pleaded with me.

At his showing he'd sold three rather expensive paintings to some Richy Rich who then commissioned him for two more. Em wanted to celebrate--and we had our own way of doing just that.

"I don't want one anymore!" He pleaded in a whispered tone, coming closer. He had some sort of cheep sports coat on that looked ridiculous, he said it was a statement and I said it was junk.

"Oh.. what was that?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. "You don't want one anymore?" Yes, yes, yes. Strike him with a bolt of lightning and make him come to his senses!

He sighed, falling down to his knees before me, looking up at me with those big eyes that entranced me so. "Not anymore." He admitted before he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a short hug.

Without a word I slipped a hand into my pocket and pulled my cell from within. He'd said the magic words and I speed dialed Amanda.

"Hi-, yeah, we were wondering if you could pick up your spawn of Satan? Sure. No problem. Yeah. Bye." He watched me all the while, beaming up to me while I made the call. Amanda had been more than happy to come and get her child, she was a little attached to the wretch.

As soon as I flipped it closed he pulled up the hem of my shit and gently kissed at the flesh beneath, teasing me so. Fuck him. No, really.

"Stop!" I backed out of his grasp. "She'll be here in a half hour so keep it in your pants until then." Much to my very own regret I'd said those words. I fixed my shirt as he pulled up off the floor, grinning all the while.

"Pip-squeak, you mom's coming so get your things together." I said all perky as I rushed from the room. I was trying to get her motivated, feeling more like one of the wiggles then myself.

I'd already grabbed her back and was shoving her scatted clothing into it when she looked at me without a word. Was that disappointment in those six-year-old eyes? She pushed herself from the couch and came to my side, silently helping her pack her bag.

Forty-five minutes later and there was a knock on the door.

Not a lot had gone on as we gathered her things and then sat back down to collectively be hypnotized by a computerized super-hero family.

"Ahh!" Amanda shrieked as I opened the door, squeezing by to snatch up her little girl. "Oh, mommy missed you!" He cooed all motherly to her as Emmitt and I were ignored. "Did you have fun?" She asked the girl as she was set back down onto her own two feet.

The pig-tailed demon nodded quickly and picked up her bag, not even really responding to her mother.

"We need to be going, give your uncles a hug." The motherly figure instructed.

Amelia quickly hugged Em and then came over to me. God help me for being slightly emotional.. I gave her a squeeze and patted her atop the head. "See you later, pip-squeak."

She flashed me a toothy smile and grabbed onto her mom's hand before we made our pleasantries. Amanda tanked us for taking her off her hands and we assured that it had been no problem at all. A few moments later and they were moving out the door.

"Bye-bye."

"Say bye, hunny." Always telling the little one what to do, she shook the child gently to wake her up. "Bye." The girl waved from their post on the other side of the door.

Oh no, I could not let them go without a parting gift. I took a step forward and gave Amanda what had seemed like an innocent hug at first, but I quickly whispered in her ear. "Damn, I'd have to agree with Justin. You do have a nice ass."

I stepped back, grinning as she looked quite shocked, trying to talk but nothing was being voiced. Confused much? "Goodbye." She rushed and turned to walk down the hall, I could not help but break out laughing.

"What was that about?" Em looked equally confused, closing the door.

"Oh, nothing. I just complimented her ass."

He arched a brow at me, every bit confused as the woman had been. "How come you never compliment my ass?" He asked.

"Em, you have a very nice ass." I forced it at his request before I put my arm around his neck, silencing that over worked mouth in a kiss--The plan had worked out just fine. Now to the celebration.