i could never

i want(ed) to be wrapped around her finger because
i had her wrapped around mine for the longest time.

there is nothing left inside of me to describe the things
that make me hurt. all the memories left inside are of times
that are plagued with scars and tears filled with thoughts of her.
i'm not breathing anymore, i'm only bleeding. there are no words
anymore and i only wish that i could touch her to reassure myself
that this isn't a dream and that she is only a drive away and often,
only a few feet away.

and i'm still fighting the war i feel as if i'm losing not only myself
but everyone around me because no one understands. if only
she knew how afraid i am to write another suicide note because
honestly, i think she would be happy knowing i'm dead and
i'm sure she would be glad to have me off her back (clinging
to her every move, her very voice, even though i'm bleeding,
screaming, tortured by every moment of silence, and left
consumed by her every thought). it would be so reassuring
to know that i actually cross her mind.

if only she knew how i long to speak with her: to sit down
and actually speak. i swear i could name why every scar
was made and why four are so much deeper than the rest.
(the others are only faint white lines of pathetic first attempts
of the girl she couldn't possibly remember.) but truthfully,
i don't believe she could face this bleeding girl. i'm afraid
i would break down and cry in front of her, not able to get
a word out (and i'll scratch at scars, breaking skin open,
just to bleed again).