What scares me the most, is knowing that for whatever reason – I could fall into that cold, dark hole; any place, any time. But it's not for "whatever reason", it's not. It's when the pain is let loose within my veins. It's because I get lost in my mind, in my heart. I'm afraid, because when I'm full of that pain, the only reason I would fall in the hole is for the need and wanting to go complete numb.
"Numb – ( adjective -er, -est, verb ) deprived of physical sensation, or the ability to move."
Numb, it's a familiar friend to me, it's a feeling I have grown to know well. Too well. I learned about many feelings, well no, that's wrong. I shall rephrase. I have felt every emotion there is to feel within my short life on Earth. I guess it's good, but at the same time, it's no good at all. I have learned about many feelings, I have gotten to know a piece of this and a piece of that. Although still, what all that I've felt, with all that I've experienced, I have not experienced all that there is to experience in life. But what more is there to experience in this world of pain, sorrow, cruelty; more pain, more angst? Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm just trying to justify my feelings to d r i f t a w a y,
to get LOST, to d i s a p p e a r … to close my eyes, at last.
Within my love for life, I have an under-layer of hate and guilt. I've had my share and I'm goddamn full. I've bitten off a big chunk, and chewed it, and swallowed it – fully. Staying would make me vulnerable. Vulnerability, that's what makes me a coward, that's what frightens me. When I'm vulnerable, I know I'm able to fall within those deep, wide cracks. The cracks that lead to that subterranean, sinister hole. That's it. That's the place that I get to when I indulge in what makes me numb. It ain't no happy place, no, but it gets me away from a much more painful place. It's a lose – lose situation. There isn't anyway to win, to succeed. There is pain and more pain following it. To get out of one pain you indulge within another. It's a vicious cycle. It hypnotized you to the point where you're screaming, and trying to seize more, and more, and more.
I want to be numb, because the image of your icy blues, well it's more than I can handle. Sick enough that my dear, beloved angel guided me to such painful, happiness that I destroyed with my own pain.
Every step seems to ware me down more and more and I've reached the ledge like so many times before, only now I'm doubting it more.
I just want to be numb.
To be free.