I am not proud of my life and what you mistake for pride is more so a cry for help. Dependency is not something that anyone should ever be proud of. I am still in part the silly little girl who was enthralled by the sordid world of drug addiction. I still sometimes find myself romanticizing the events of my life. They, though, can only be romantic in the eyes of that naive girl who knew nothing about addiction. You can never have the horrors of addiction and dependence truly explained to you. It is something that is impossible to truly understand until you have felt it. This is one of a slew of reasons that quitting is so hard. People who have never acknowledged or felt the pangs of addiction do not understand the terror at the thought of 'just stopping'. 'Just stopping' is unfathomable because contemplating it means facing the rush of what ifs and scenarios where the only possible solution is your drug of choice. I am enthralled by the people that quit or those that have never even come close to using or abusing a substance. Intoxication is so much a part of my life that I cannot even begin to grasp the concept of life without drugs. I will never be able to condone the use of any type of mind altering substance (legal and illegal alike) but at the same time I do not regret my experiences. In some weird way I think that people who have not had the same or similar experiences have missed out on some section of life experiences. Like the drug experimentation episode in the silly teen show of their life did not get aired. Though no matter how dangerous playing with drugs can and often is the hypocrisy and general absurdity of the government angers me more than any little plant or pill ever will. The drugs that are currently legal under United States law happen to be some of the most destructive and addictive available. The damage alcohol does to a person's mind and body is undisputed. The addictive and cancerous properties of cigarettes are common knowledge. We've all read about Rush Limbaugh's addiction of Oxycontin. Even more commonly thought of as trivial drugs such as caffeine can have astoundingly harsh effects on the body and mind. Something so common that most of America uses everyday garners no attention for its addictive and injurious properties. But it's okay that over 90 percent of American's regularly consume caffeine, it's legal. There are no government funded programs demonizing coffee and sodas and so people don't think of caffeine as a drug in the sense of cocaine or methamphetamine. I do not think it is fair to pick and choose what is associated with the word that is commonly negative in connotation. Calling caffeine a drug elicits a bothered or demeaning response from many people because after all you just labeled their greatest fix with the stigma of 'drug'. This tangent has led to a simple way to give people empathy for someone trying to quit. Whatever your fix is, be it coffee, television, religion, MySpace, playing an instrument or anything else that you do regularly, think about never doing it again. In a very serious fashion truly contemplate never associating yourself with whatever you chose for the rest of your life. Suddenly my explanation of why 'just stopping' is not an option makes a bit more sense. Most people have trouble grasping why people will give up their family, friends and life for a substance. In the same way I can't understand not having done drugs they cannot grasp the concept of caring that much about them. But if you replace the drug in that equation with an activity or foodstuff that you are highly passionate about it becomes a little easier to comprehend. There is no excuse for the behaviors that I have become known for but what I want people to understand is that it has nothing to do with them. It is not something personal or some subconscious vendetta against their sanity or their wallet. It is addiction at its finest. The best way to help me is to try to understand my behavior. Snide remarks along the lines of "Well if you really wanted to quit you just would," are a waste of both of our time. I am not insincere in wish to get clean and sober and pull my life back together but fighting with me when I fail will only serve to anger and stress me. As I ask for help it is important that you understand that I am not looking for attention nor trying to flaunt my latest angst. If I come to you begging it is because somewhere in my clouded mind I have associated you with a way to kick this life. I can never understand the drive of people to flaunt their pain and their shortcomings. In my numerous attempts to avoid seeming as if that is what I am doing I have dug myself a formidable hole that I now have to claw my way out of. I have screwed up horribly but that is the point i I /i have screwed up. I refuse to let my life become or turn into just another story for silly anti-drug campaigns to point at and say "See look, drugs are bad." The drugs have only ever done what I asked of them. The reality of the situation is that the volumes of lives lost to drug addiction are more a testament to how humans are innately unhappy than to the evils of drug use. There is no tidbit of information that will scare me into quitting. Whatever nasty secret you have found about whichever drug you have chosen to focus on I have already heard. I am quite knowledgeable about what I am putting in my body. Comas, heart attacks, blood clots, cancers, respiratory problems and the myriad of other physical aliments that my most favored hobby brings on hardly make me flinch. Telling me my coke is cut with strychnine will just make me laugh. A robot that spouts of drug facts is not what I was hoping for when I asked for support. What I truly need is for someone to tell me that life without a crutch will be okay. That it will be not only bearable but more fulfilling. That I will not regret being able to have full memories. I think that I am scared to return to consciousness but it has become necessary. It is time to grow up. I have blown my entire senior year and destroyed countless friendships beyond repair. There is no happy ending to this path I have chosen and I need to accept that no one is going to be willing to pick me up. I have to find whatever bits and pieces of the person I was before all of this that there are left and grab onto the morality I used to have. I've run out of time to play badass and indulge the part of me that stupidly thought addiction was artsy and romantic. I need to surround myself with people who understand that maturity is not being able to spew philosophical dribble but instead grasp the fact that you need to grow up. Somewhere out there I need to find friends with the stability to be there when I need them. I need to find friends that I truly love all the time and not just when I'm drunk. I can't undo all the damage of the past years and I am incapable of healing many of the emotional wounds I have covered with powders and pills but I can try to face my life and see it clearly. I can try caring about something for once. I simply need to find the strength to walk away. The problem is not drugs they are simply a symptom that needs to be dealt with. I am seriously considering the one thing I have always been so vehemently against; rehab. I need to go somewhere where nothing will be expected of me except to focus on fixing whatever it is that I have wrong. I need to get away from all the demands and expectations of my life. It is overwhelming for me to juggle filling out college applications, failing a college class, attempting to graduate, as well as letting down the innumerable other extracurricular activities I have picked up along the way and trying to kick a startlingly serious substance problem. It's rather depressing to be idolized because you can out drink most and ingest copious amounts of drugs. As abhorrent as many members of our society find drug use it still somehow has found a strange following. People ask repeatedly how we can end the drug problem and how we can keep kids from getting tangled up in something they were not expecting, there is no answer. Change society and rid it of all the reasons people use. Make sobriety more appealing than intoxication. I do not have answers. I could jump off into the world of drug legalization but that is a tired topic and one not even worth discussing. Maybe the whole StraightEdge movement will make a huge difference and maybe it won't. Maybe the anti-drug campaigns that I laugh at will make a difference in someone's life. Hey man, maybe I'll change the world. That would be pretty cool.