I've never been like this before. I never fell this hard before. I never let myself trust...I've always been too scared. But I listened to my friends...Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? I am falling and churning; I don't know right from wrong. All I know is what I desire...What I think I need. God, guide me. I'm nervous. I'm falling. Fast, hard, quickly, to a way I can't erase...Don't let me go the way that I came out of. Please don't let me go back...

God, I've emotion within me dying to get out. Dying to be released. But I am too nervous. I can't release it. God, I am losing myself in attempts to be loved. Loved. But God is it necessary? Why do I need this feeling? God, why do I need friends? Everytime I see his smile, I feel this nervousness suffocate me. God, I am dying. God, I am trying to do what's right. But confusion...Life is a matter of confusion. I thought I'd be mature. I thought that I'd be strong. God, I need you. Your guidance. I am so sure that I will fall without your arms embracing me. Keep me down. Keep me out of trouble. I can feel myself sliding back to my old ways. Things I thought I left behind. God, please help me. Save me from myself. From my insecurity. I know that I've no confidence. Because I am scared to become cocky. I know that I am not perfect. I compare myself to all of my friends. And I don't think I'll ever believe that I am good enough. And that's another struggle. Being good enough...

God, I am scared of everything. Not just being loved, but being hated. Not just being hurt, but hurting others. Not just being healed, but helping others. Not just talking, but keeping quiet. Not just living, but also dying. Not just of you, but of the devil. Like I said; I'm scared of everything. And one of the things that I am most nervous about, is losing you.

God, I know you say that you will always be there. I believe you. But I am nervous. I am falling quickly, ten times hard than before...And I am scared how much larger a grave I will dig for myself. God, right now I can still see sun, but I am scared to lose that light. God, please don't leave me. I need you.

And God, I love you. But I also love people. And that's my problem. God, I can't be in love. God, you can't let me fall. I am not ready to let go...I am not allowed to be ready to let go. So I have to hang on. You have to keep me from drowning in fear, and other pools that I don't want to be in. God, you have control of everything...Help me to have faith in you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God." God, I think that is a verse from the Bible. I can't remember where. I just remember that is something you said. A command. I am sinning. I am not trusting. Because their eyes make me so nervous...

Everyone acts as if sin is alright. But is it? Of course not! But I am having trouble seeing. I've been blinded by those without faith for years. And I am losing my foundation. God, where are you? Why aren't you hearing my cry? Can't you see that I need you? God, I love you and I want to believe. I want to praise. I want to see. And I need you to save me...

"The Lord gives and takes away." God, please don't take away this chance that you gave me, this love...If you could call it that. I like it. But God, you say I can do all things through you who strengthens me. God, strengthen me. Make me beautiful in your image. Let your words be engraved in my heart. Help me stay out of pressure. Out of trouble. Free me from the bondage of perfection. Free me from the bondage of fear. Free me from the bondage of sin...

God, this is my heart's cry. I have no Bible in front of me. I am reciting from my heart. I need your truth, your word, your life breathed into me. I need you again. I am nervous. I am scared. I don't want to let you down. I don't want to disappoint you. God, blessed be your name for hearing the ramblings of a faithless servant. God, I trust that you hear. I thank you for hearing me, despite my position beneath you. I love you.