Ten Reasons to Hate Rebecca Wiles

A list compiled by Mark Welder

10. She has an annoying best friend named Natalie Lubbock.

9. She's a blond and blonds are naturally stupid.

8. Okay, who am I kidding? The whole 'blonds are stupid' thing is a generalization. Besides her hair isn't really blond… More golden, and it's all curly and pretty…. Unlike her best friend, Natalie Lubbock whose hair is black, black like the eyes of the devil….

7…. I'll get back to this one.

6…. This one too…

5. Still need to think a bit more…

4. Um…. Did I mention I already hate her best friend?

3. Oh I got one! I really hate how she picks her friends.

2. I really hate her choice in picking a best friend….

1. I just really, really hate her best friend.


There's always going to be that one girl in every boy's life that is the epitome of perfection. This girl has it all: the hair, the looks, the personality, the spirit, and everything else that makes her extraordinary. For me, this girl was Rebecca Wiles.

I was a young boy in first grade, bewildered by the opposite sex. But it was dear Rebecca Wiles that opened up my eyes and made me see the beauty in a girl, and no one else possessed that beauty but her.

Maybe it was that smile she gave me that hooked me. Or maybe it was the fact that she was the only one willing to give me her yellow color crayon while everyone else was all protective of their crayon and wanted to draw a big sun with it. Rebecca always was the most creative one… With everyone else drawing suns, myself included, Rebecca chose instead to draw a tree. She was using two colors while everyone else was using one. She was a smart one, right from the beginning.

My infatuation with her grew and grew, and as we hit our teenage years, it grew into- dare I say it? - love. Once we were in eighth grade I decided to go for it, to make my move on Rebecca. But something terrible happened that year. That year would be known as 'The Worst Year of My Life'.

It was the year, Natalie Lubbock- the ruler of hell, the girl version devil, the vampire that sucks the soul out of every living human being, me in particular- came to Elton Junior High.

We hated each other the first day of school. It was an incident that involved us being the last two to get school lunch, us on each side of the milk counter, and we both reached for the same milk carton. She wouldn't give up hers, and I would have gladly given up mine because I was a gentlemen- yes, even at that age- but no… She opened up that mouth of hers and said, "Give up the milk shorty; it isn't going to make you grow any taller than you already are."

Now, all right I may have been on the tad short side during eighth grade, but she didn't need to mention that. I mean come on; I barely knew this girl and she insulted me without knowing me. Maybe if I had spit on her or something, I would totally understand the need to insult my height, which if you ask me wasn't worth insulting because I wasn't that short, but whatever. Anyway we were complete strangers up till now, but after she went and insulted me, I wasn't going to let her have my milk.

We ended up having a tug-of-war with the damn thing. It ended up on the floor, I accidentally stepped on it, it exploded, drenched the both of us in milk, she got mad, threw her lunch tray at me, which I ended up doing the same, and we found our asses in the principal office. Now, let me tell you, I was a good boy- still am- so being in the principal office, let alone in Mr. Wilson's- the scariest man alive, who I believe was given birth to by giants because he was incredibly tall and imposing- office. We were given a lecture, and because I was such a fine student, I was let off the hook. Sadly, because Lubbock was a new student, she was too… Anyway we hated each other ever since.

But the worst thing of all that happened that year, besides the tricks she began to play on me (some involving fire, I might add), she made friends with the love of my life, Rebecca. God, imagine to my horror, that my most hated enemy becoming buddies with the girl that held my heart in the palms of her hands? Luckily, Lubbock didn't know I loved Rebecca; no one did actually. I was a very quiet guy, with the exception of me when around Lubbock, and no one really knew except for my best friend, who was also my cousin, Hamilton Welder. Anyway, if Lubbock had known, could you imagine what she would have done with that much power in her hands? I shudder to even think about it.

I tried to get rid of my affections for Rebecca because of that. I was too afraid of Lubbock knowing and what she could do if she found out. To get over Rebecca, I even came up with a list, which didn't really work, except for the reasons that involved Lubbock, but other than that I couldn't come up with a solid reason to hate Rebecca. No, the girl had her pretty little fingers securely tighten on my poor aching heart.

Added on to all that, eighth grade year was also the year that Rebecca became attached to William Jones, the asshole extraordinaire. He was the "hot shot" in our school, but a total ass. Still Rebecca fell for his charm, and became his girlfriend. I was crushed…. I moped. I didn't even do my homework until eight at night. Yes, that was how depressed I was.

Years passed, and now here I am: Mark Welder, an incoming senior at Littleton High School. No longer am I that sad boy who does his homework right after he comes home from school, with the exception of my depressed moments. I was no longer short nor did I wear glasses (which was subjected to some four-eyed jokes on behalf of Lubbock… Seriously four-eyed jokes! That was so first grade. Lubbock was very immature back then). I had a nice growth spurt during my summer before freshmen year and didn't stop till my junior year. I am exactly six foot tall- take that Lubbock!

Thanks to the modern world we live in today, I said goodbye to my two-inch thick black glasses, and hello to my contacts. High school life treated me well. I was invited to parties; I wasn't subjected to a million pimples on my face, though there were a few, which Lubbock sure liked to point out. Girls had crushes on me, and I was asked out to dances and so on. I was fairly popular, and I had a pretty good reputation as the nice guy with brains. I wasn't so horrible to look at and plus I was linked to Hamilton who had became the new "it" guy.

However, my love life was still in shambles. Despite the girls that had their crushes on me and some of the offers I had, none of them could make me take my eyes off Rebecca. We had some classes together, and we talked much more than before. She treated me like a great buddy friend…. But that was it. I was just a buddy to her. Plus, she was still dating William, who became even more of an ass. He adopted the whole drinking and smoking his ass off reputation, but for some reason Rebecca liked the bastard. Yet, things were getting rocky. There were more fights between them at school, and Rebecca's been crying more. I lent her my shoulder a couple of times and during these times I wanted to kick William's ass, but Rebecca wouldn't let me.

To top it off, Rebecca is still close to Lubbock, which annoys me to no end. You would think as we grow older and near adulthood that Rebecca could open her eyes and see just how evil her best friend is, but no. I once asked her what was so great about Lubbock and the answer was that apparently she was a great friend who listens and just gets people.

Great friend my ass.

Even in high school Lubbock and I still didn't get along. She seems to enjoy being the pain in my ass. What sucks is that we always shared a few classes together; luckily none of them had Rebecca in them, which was why I could talk to Rebecca in the first place without that rabid dog around. Anyway the only thing she does remotely right is the fact that she hates William too, though not as much as she hates me. No, I get first place in that category.

So now senior year is upon us and I have come to a decision. I will no longer try to get rid of my love for dear Rebecca. Instead, I will wait till Rebecca dumps her ass for a boyfriend, and that will be when I will make my move. I will show dear Rebecca that there are great guys out there.

Now if only I could come up with a way to get Natalie and William together, throw them into a bag, and drag them off into a far (very, very far) remote area where no one will find them only to have Natalie kill William with her bare hands because she can't stand him, and then having her decide that she doesn't want to walk all the way back home and get committed for murder so that in the end she decides to live in the woods as a cabin lady that chases kids away for the rest of her life.

Yes, if only…