War with Arachnid
By Ashaki Boelter
"How'd that feel you nasty thing?"
Simply, I did not tolerate inhaling near invisible spider webs! I most definitely did not tolerate any spiders in my house! Those creepy critters always crawled into shadowed corners, into my dirty laundry, my bed sheets, and underneath the toilet seat. That's where I would usually find those baby spider offspring, the moment I had an urge to punish porcelain. My toilet was not the ER!
One Friday morning, I caught stomach blues right before a huge presentation at my job. With all of that stress, the butterflies in my belly going nuts with the refried bean burritos I ate last night, I had to rush a number two! There was no way that I could hold it for that long a period, especially through my hour-long presentation this morning.
As I sat there on the toilet, I hadn't noticed that a spider egg just hatched underneath my toilet seat. The spider babies saw the hair on my backside and thought it was their momma's arms outstretched for them! So, they marched onto my backside!
I quickly stood up, for I had to give a major itching to my backside! It smelled so bad after I stood up. Not only had I dragged a log to the bathroom floor, from the looks of my behind it looked as if I had a hundred white pimples on it! The baby spiders crawled all over my backside!
"Good gracious, man!" I shouted and looked towards the ceiling for a holy miracle. That's when I saw the parent spiders, which stared at me with their thousand eyeballs. I really hated spiders.
I had soon lost it, along with my job that morning. My boss fired me for not making it to work on time to pull off an important presentation. I tried to explain the delay, but my boss simply wouldn't buy my story. After all, his buyers backed out of a deal that would have made him an instant billionaire!
Since that award-winning day, I sat in misery on my couch for weeks and collected Unemployment Insurance based on lies I gave at the Employment Office. My old job sought a lawyer to sue me, but in the meantime, I lounged. As far as I knew, nobody could squeeze blood from a beet. My manufactured home was paid for so, whatever.
It was just the spiders and I now. I drew up battle plans to take out those nuisance spiders in my home.
I came to a point where I thought it best to just burn the house down, but my furniture was very nice. I had expensive pillows and sheets on my bed, a beautiful dining room set, stainless steel kitchen appliances, and antique curtain rods. All of those items now had dents and petrified spider guts on them. After awhile, my house furnishings looked like something found in a free basket at a secondhand store.
The last date I had over, whom I'd met at my church, left within five minutes after she sat on my couch. A bunch of baby spiders rolled under her thigh and she shot off the couch and marched out of my house. That woman didn't get a close look at what rolled under her and didn't listen to me at all. She went to church and gossiped to all the beautiful women there that I left rolled-up boogers all over the house!
"Alright spiders," I said, "say your dang prayers!"
"You sick little arachnids! Where do you think you're running to?"
I don't know what happened to me this morning, but I awoke from the couch in a desperate state of panic to take back my home! After I knocked the spiders from my nostrils and ear holes, I grabbed a magazine, rolled it up, and swung like a helicopter!
"Ahh! Ahh! I hate you! I hate you all, you disgusting terrors! I hate you! Don't you know my name by now? You can call me the Spider Smashing Assassin!"
All day long, I chopped down spiders with books, magazines, spoons, belts, and shoes, as they tried to flee. By the afternoon, the walls of my home were no longer off white; they were yellow and seriously gooey. My couch was busted up and cotton stuck out all over the place. My stainless steel refrigerator door fell off, for I pounded the spiders on it like a mad man. Things were broken in every room, as I stood there victorious. There was not a spider in sight.
"That'll show you," I stated. I dropped my gooey weapons and headed for the shower. I pulled down my pants and turned on the water. That's when I noticed my trembling hands and the discoloration due to the crushed spiders' acid. I declared, "Don't start none spiders; won't be none."
I slid my underwear down to my knees and that's when I noticed a shadow loom over me. The nasty streak in my underwear became obsolete in the shadow.
Spittle! Spittle! Spittle!
"What in the world?" I looked above me and upon the ceiling was a giant, hairy spider that was as big as my tub in length staring down on me with those millions of beady eyeballs! "Holy heart failure!"
I grabbed the bar of soap from the tub and hoisted it up at the spider.
The bar of soap hit the spider in the mouth and then the spider ate it!
I alarmingly dashed out of my bathroom, as the upset monster pursued me! I dodged furniture in my house to get to the kitchen, so I could find something to fight the spider with like some mildew/tile cleaner or anything hazardous! All I had underneath the sink was a garbage can and dishwashing detergent. I grabbed them both.
Spittle! Spittle! Spittle!
The spider hopped over my couch in the dining room! I jumped upon the kitchen counter and climbed atop of my refrigerator!
The gigantic cousin to one of the spiders I'd crushed, crept towards the refrigerator. It saw me with the garbage can and detergent. The spider was a veteran human killer and only needed one eye to realize it needed to use serious precaution because I'd lost my marbles. Cautiously, the beast wrapped its eight legs around the sides of the refrigerator and began to climb. I looked down on its face.
I threw the steel garbage can right on its head!
Yet, the spider continued!
I squeezed the dishwashing detergent as hard as I could, as the lemony substance oozed all over the spider's head. It didn't kill the spider, but it blinded it. The spider reached around the counter, as it seemingly lost balance with its eyes mixed up. I saw that one of its misguided legs tap-danced on the microwave oven door. I quickly reached down and opened that microwave door until I saw the spider's leg in there.
I slammed the microwave door shut with my foot, as the giant spider was caught! I toed in twenty seconds and...
Pack! Pop! Screech… Boom! Ding.
The microwave popped open, as the spider leg blew up! The spider backed off the refrigerator and quickly limped over behind the couch in the dining room.
I shifted my underwear to get comfortable and stepped onto the kitchen floor. Bravely, I walked over to watch the last spider die and give it my champion speech.
"You may be my size, but you are going down like the rest of your homeboys!" I shouted to the spider. I had dominated the big dog in the spider family; its name was probably Guido. "Now let me tell you something, spider butt! You take your limping carcass out of my house and never come back! This is my house, punk!"
The giant spider looked up at me as if to say, "Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?"
The gigantic spider suddenly crawled up the back of the couch and stood tall in front of me! Its millions of eyes were blood red. The body grew and shrank and grew and shrank. It growled and liquid dripped from its mouth! The thing was possessed!
"Forget this!" I shouted. I ran over and grabbed my car keys from the kitchen island. I booked out the garage door with only my underwear on and jumped in my automobile!
I peeled out of my garage, as I crashed through the cheap garage door. That giant spider on seven legs dashed into the garage and crashed into the wall. It was very angry to say the least, as some innocent bystander crossed paths with it in front of my house and lost their head!
The man-eating, revengeful spider ran after me even as I drove through residential streets at thirty-five miles per hour! Through my rearview mirrors, I watched the spider dodge other cars and skip around potholes!
A big gob of gray web splashed onto my car's rear window! The spider gained and shot webs all over my car! That was the least of my problems. My car started to smoke out the hood. The gaslight was on. I had a flat tire, man!
"No!" I shouted and bumped my head upon the horn several times. "No!"
I'd run directly into traffic, due to construction work up ahead. I looked into my rearview and the spider still ran towards me! It jumped over other cars and climbed by large trucks.
"Not today!" I shifted the car into reverse and backed up really fast! "You want a piece of my grandpa's Rambler? This car is made with real steel, baby!"
"Yes sir!" I shouted, as I ran right over the giant beast and stopped about a block away to make sure I didn't have to run it down once more for the count. There the spider was, squashed on the ground with its head splattered against a mailbox on the corner. The spider's torso had been busted up and all of its guts were spilled everywhere.
People got out of their cars to witness such a large spider. As soon as they got close enough, the spider's legs grabbed people!
"Ahh!" cried the caught bystanders, as the spider legs tossed them into its neck to be sizzled and digested! "Help us! Somebody… Blah!"
Left and right, bystanders tried to get away from the giant, headless spider to avoid getting tossed into the spider's neck to be burned to death by acid!
I had to do something! I hadn't conquered the beast, so I took on the privilege of doing what I'd set out to do.
If I had driven my car over to the spider body, I would've taken out the babies in the spider's grasp too! So, I got out of my car in my underwear with the steering wheel lock I had on the backseat and attacked!
"Help us naked nudie!" cried people, who were in the spider's grasp.
All of the spider's legs were occupied with humans, so I ran right up to its torso and jabbed it with the steering wheel lock until I broke asphalt!
The spider gave in and let everybody go.
I stood tall in my underwear and shook the spider goo off the steering wheel lock. I waved to the people and strutted back to my car. It was the best feeling I'd had in a while. I was a hero. I was bad! If only there was a banner behind me that declared the war was over!
I got back in my car and hailed for the people nearby to move away from the stabbed beast, for it shook a bit in its struggle to survive.
I floored the accelerator in my car and ran down the remains of the giant spider.
I backed up.
I went forward again and for some reason, my car stalled on top of the spider torso. I couldn't get the car started.
"Run for it!" cried out the scattering people. "Retreat! Run!"
I opened my door to look down onto the spider's crushed torso and a bunch of larvae with giant, chomping teeth quickly wiggled out. They spread out so fast that I couldn't jump that far even with a pole vault stick!
I closed my driver's door and worked at the key in the ignition. I pumped the accelerator. My car would not start! The oil indicator flashed! I was out of oil! I sure wished I had one of those solar-powered cars about now!
"Come on car!" I shouted, as I watched larvae quickly crawl up my car and cover my windows entirely! "You piece of junk… Start! Start! Start!"
The windows on my car broke with the pressure of the hostile larvae after me! They flushed through the windows like a waterfall! I swung and kicked, but it was no use. The aggressive larvae climbed into my ears, nostrils, and mouth! They'd crawled into my underwear and ate me up until I looked like a block of Swiss cheese!
Much like that of any war, it seemed to remain true that when you messed with the people of another country, then the leader… there was always another group of killers that came up and waited for their chance at revenge. It seemed to be common sense in this story. Hmmm… I wonder if we could apply the war with arachnid with our wars today? Spiders are always there and bother us all the time. We can turn our back to them most of the time and they leave us alone. Just like spiders, people are resources too. Get along!