Anesthetics and arson

"You would want the sun if you had the stars" my grandfather once said to me in a time when he was still alive and my age not only allowed me to not understand what he meant but also ignore it, now days it made much more sense.

Funny how that works out isn't it?

The things that mean the most never mean anything at the time they are said. (Don't mistake that for the "you'll understand when your older" bullshit, you never will) but those things that happen, followed with tears and a sympathetic shoulder until someone says "he wasn't worth it" and you roll your eyes and continue to cry. But one day it will make sense, you will laugh and think "how could I ever be that stupid?" you will brush your past mistakes off your shoulder as you walk blindly into a different kinda problem

However, my grandfather was wrong; I want the sun and the stars.

She walked up to me as I waited casually uncasual against the gate to school smiling at her shoes moving closer and closer until the twinked daisies were standing edge to edge with my boring blue ones

"Hey" was all I needed to hear to soak up her smile and the twinkle in her eye and all the Abercrombie sunshine, "how are you?"

"Fine, you?"

Its funny how when it comes down to it, words don't really mean a thing.

How many times have I heard, how many times have I said for that matter? "How are you" and as quick as a flash had the "fine" follow.

….It's all just a reenactment of an O.C.D patient who loves routine...

"Great" I replied what else could I say? 'Confused' isn't exactly the best answer to small talk and besides, it would cause more questions, meaning more answers. And I just didn't feel like pining myself on a cork board in all my 'confused' glory like some kind of insect to be analyzed and observed.

I let the small talk follow us in to science as I stayed lost in my thoughts finding only time to mutter "mm yep nope k..." I felt like a celebrity stalker, lost in the limelight of her smile and the sparkle in her eyes and all I wanted was to take her photo and her autograph and then step back and let her walk away from me. Because that's all I really deserved anyway.

Sitting in science I stared up at the board in a mock expression of interest as the teacher rambled on about test grades and percentages or hippopotamuses for all I cared. And I thought about this whole thing. The me & you confusion that seemed to preoccupy most of my waking hours and occasionally even my dreams. But then my thoughts were abruptly cut short as teenagers everywhere scrambled to each other until suddenly the peaceful quiet of our table of our table! was interrupted and I found myself in the company of Alex a brain deprived surfer, Sarah a brain deprived cheerleader and Alice a friend of mine (in the sense of being lonerd in math) unfortunately a suspect of the brain deprived. Alex smiled his Greek god like smile as they all clambered into their seats and opened the text book to the assignment we were working on. "how have you been Jessica?" he directed at her "oh you know, the usual" she replied as her lips tilted upwards into the slightest of smiles and her green eyes flickered over to mine. "I heard you broke up with Dean" he replied unaware of our exchanged glances and her hand under the table as it ran playfully up and down my leg.

"Yeah, yes. I guess we just weren't working out you know?"

"Yeah" he said in a Dr Phil like tone that contrasted with the number of brain cells he had left. "I understand. Too different weren't you? Yes I never really felt like you guys suited. You need a man who can look after you properly" his answer was met with a sigh of admiration from Sarah and a sour look from me.

"Girl" I thought to myself "a girl who can look after you properly"

The school day merged into a giant blur of stolen glances and meaningless conversations until eventually it was over and I was sitting on the train headphones plugged in deafly loud to silence the confusion in my head giving me a desperately needed chance to breathe.

Recently I felt like I was living in some kind of game show. One of those cruel ones where your never really sure of the rules and you know, you just know that if you don't get the questions right, someone's coming at you with a tazer.