Do You Like Waffles?
Tips and Tricks for Embarrassing Your Friends
If you don't want your friends to disown you or claim they don't know you or try to lose you in a large crowd, then you should not be reading or taking advice from this paper, unless, of course, you are the one who will grade this paper. This paper will tell you of several ways to make your friends wish to go back in time and take back the day they ever accepted you, or shoot you on the spot. And each of these three ways must be dealt with very delicately…
The first way is to get caught up with either fangirlish or fanboyish (depending on what would suit you best) apocalyptic excitement over anything. Whatever it is, get overly excited about it and make sure your friends NEVER, EVER get into it. EVER. Also make sure you're constantly announcing everything little thing that has to do with whatever you've become such a big fan of to your friends, and also anyone who will give you two seconds of the day. This is a fairly simple method, and also works very well when you just want to bug them.
The second way, and one of the most fun, is to sing. The trick to this is to sing loudly, and to sing very strange songs, like about waffles, and to make sure that this is done in a very public area. If you usually can't carry a tune in a bucket, this method will work even better. Recommended songs would be Silly Songs with Larry (from Veggie Tales), or random songs from the Internet, like the Numa Numa song, the Llama Song, the Hampster Dance, or Do You Like Waffles?
And that brings me to my third and final suggestion on how to embarrass your friends: ask perfect strangers bizarre questions, such as if they like waffles or not. This one will require a bit of bold courage on your part, but it's very much worth it to see the looks on everybody's faces, and plus, you just might make a new friend! After all, if someone you had never met before approached you and asked you if you liked waffles, wouldn't you be likely to trust them?
In conclusion, the next time your friends say that you're an embarrassment to yourself, them, your family, and society in general, you really ought to give them good reason to say such things to you. And maybe you should also find some other friends if they're saying such things… The point of this essay is that life's too short without a little embarrassment to yourself and the people associated with you. As Brendan Gill once said, "Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
The following is 100 percent true.
This was for a class.
And miraculously, I got an A.
There was a word limit, and that's why it isn't longer.