Days like this I see the most how you have effected me. The sky is blue, but it isnt pretty to me anymore. Do you know why? Because that day at the beach when I saw the sunrise, you came behind me and said the sky was so pretty, just like you said I was pretty. Now it seems like the sky is something defiled, used, and dirty. Just like me.
Youll never see this, youll never read it, and we will never meet face to face again. God knows what I would do if we did. Whether I would bolt or fight I dont know. Whether I would pretend not to know you I dont know.
I want to know why though, I want to know why you did it. You had Dee, she would have loved you to touch her, to love her. If you knew you couldnt then why did you marry her? I think of all the things that you did, all the things I lost. Do you know, I cant stand to be touched anymore? I dissolved every time you touched me. Where I went who knows, but I left. Now it seems like a pat on the shoulder, a soft hug, a kiss from my own niece (thats right, niece because Dee moved on and got married again, to a wonderful man who loves her the way you never did) - they all send me away. I lost my first kiss because of you, because I will never be able to trust anyone to come that close to me. I lost having my own kids, my own family. I lost a husband who would put his hand on the small of my back when I was scared. I lost my family, my mother, my father, my brothers, and my sister. I lost them because I can no longer look at them without hating myself. How would things have been if I had not let this happen but Gods I didnt! Eleven fucking years old and you could think of nothing to do but try to rape me! Me! The sister of your wife! What was I to you? An affair? A toy? A convenience? I asked you to stop, I hated it, I told you I hated you, I kicked you. But I didnt scream...is that how it is my fault? God knows, he knows how much it hurt me.
I wish I could see you again, I wish to god I could put every scar I have from you on you just to show you how it feels to see yourself as nothing but a piece of meat. Did you know when I got my period I thought you had broken me? I swore it must have been from you. That was my favorite short set and I threw it away because I thought it was something you had done. I hate when you said "we", I hate when you would ask me if I was as excited as you. I wasnt there! I was gone somewhere else and now I cant even come back! I cant feel or see myself as anything but a god damned toy and it is YOUR FAULT! Not mine! You ripped me apart!
I wanted to have kids. I used to want it so bad that I would put a baby doll under my shirt when I was little and pretend I was pregnant. I wanted to raise a family and be called "mama" at least once in my life but that wont happen now thanks to you. Thanks to you my arms are flayed. Thanks to you my legs are not even recognizable. No more swimming, no more shorts, no more skirts. I thought maybe writing this letter would help me forgive you but fuck that. You deserve to rot in jail, you deserved to be raped a million times, to have every pain I have inflicted on myself just because I dont feel like ME anymore.
I swear I used to hate myself because the child inside asked why I wasnt there to protect her, but I AM her, and I was too young to react. I was so small and vulnerable. I hate you. I will never stop hating you. This is not something to move on from, this is something to grow from. I dont forgive you, I despise you with everything I have. I have a daily reminder of you when I look in the mirror, a daily reminder of how you saw an innocent child as nothing but a toy. Heres news Jim, I am still innocent. Innocent means I did no wrong. I just left, and let you do what you wanted.
I wont forgive you, ever. You dont deserve to be forgiven. You deserve to be hanged, to rot and die a slow painful disease ridden death. You deserve all the pain I have gone through to be put on you. You deserve god to make a hell just for you. But you know what, it isnt you that I need to forgive. I need to forgive myself, so self - I forgive you for being a child, for being innocent and afraid when a man told you things that you were too young to hear. Self I forgive you for being afraid when a man touched parts of you that no one else had. Self I forgive you for leaving the body to his abuse. Self I forgive you for seeing this as love. Self, I forgive you for not remembering it, and for not forgiving him. Self, I forgive you for seeing yourself as a piece of meat. Self, I forgive you for not caring if you live or die.
Jim, I hate you, and always will. I wish all the pain in the world on you but thats okay. We are allowed to hate what is evil. I dont like the idea that therapists try to give abuse victims that they have to forgive their abusers or they will never be happy. You never repented. You were sorry you got caught. You were sorry you ruined your life. I see your picture on-line in the sex offenders registry and swear you are the most pathetic thing I have ever seen. Yes, thing - not human, because a human would not destroy the spirit and soul of a child just so he could be aroused enough to have sex with his wife. But I hate you, I am angry at you. Not me anymore. I dont hate myself now because I dont deserve it. I never deserved this and no one ever does. I can say it now. God knows how but I can. I can say it, write it, and shoat it. I hate you for losing my first kiss. I hate you for never being able to wake up in a mans arms. I hate you because I cant even love my niece. I hate you because I will never have my own children. I hate you for taking my face and replacing it with a happy mask. I hate you because I can never be hugged or kissed again, because I am afraid I will become whoever touches me...because I am not me anymore. I hate you, but it is not my problem anymore. Its yours. Ill work through this I swear. One day, even if it is in paradise, I swear I will have my own family and what you did will not matter. I swear I will be the girl I was before you decided I deserved to be crushed. One day Ill wear short sleeves, one day Ill wear a short skirt and not care about the scars, because there wont be any. You are not worth my life. You arent even worth the air you breath.