It started on the day my best friend died. I remember it as if it happened only yesterday. He was there one minute and then the next he was gone. He hadn't died in any kind of car accident, or by the bullet of a gun. It was nothing like that. It was more that he died in my thoughts, my never ending emotions that cause the pain in my heart to eat at me. It may sound stupid and it may sound like I'm just over exaggerating but that's how it was. A lot of things happened back then, something's were great and something's sucked. It's just how it was. I don't know exactly how to describe it to you without giving you all the boring details of my life. My life was just like yours. I ate, I breathed, I smiled and laughed. I cried, I thought, I felt. I am still only human. But after he died I remembered thinking how my world would be after that.
I wasn't a cold person, but I was in many ways conceded. I never did think about anything but myself at times. Its just how I am, no way to change what you are sometimes. I had friends, ones that you talked about everything with and others you shared few things with. I had a lot of those kids of friends. I had a tendency of never being able to keep my mouth shut, it always got me in a lot of trouble. Especially with that friend that died. I cant tell you how many times I got in trouble for my mouth with that friend. It seemed to always be a problem. I could never for the life of me keep it shut.
After my friend died I didn't know what to do with myself. I was lost to myself and of what to do. I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry, I wanted to do anything. A rock sounded good to hide under. Nothing ever goes the way you want. That's how it is sometimes, I've learned this lesson well. It's always funny to me how I could never get that then. You never know how things are going to turn out, not even if your friend is going to die. Its always the hardest when you know them better than you know yourself. That's when it kills me, when you know they know you just the same. It just kills me.
Anyway, it took me a long time to cope with my lose. I never believed anything could turn into such a mess, how the death of someone who isn't dead can effect your every being. How you want to talk with them but at the same time you know you cant and probably shouldn't. I remember how everyone told me to forget about it, to forget about the death and move on. Grow from it. Its hard to grow when you have no light to shine on you. I'm being sentimental, I apologize.
The times went on, slowly at first. Its always slow at first. Seeing things that remind you of the person but wishing with everything you had to not see anything again. It was going to take more than words to mend the gap in my heart. It was a large whole, I could feel it when my hand was over my heart. I felt it with ever life giving beat.
I'm started to lose myself again, I admit. It's nothing more than a ramble of meaningless teenage woos. I'm just a girl who is going through what every other girl plus her sister has gone through. Its not a tragedy, its not a thing, its not PMS. This is just how it is. It's just something that happened to one girl at one point in time. How that girl had nothing better to do with herself on a Saturday night but to write about her feelings. It's just another teenage girl who needs the help of a friend who has died. To tell her that its alright to move on. Its all she can do.