Nobody Understands Me But My (Were)Cat

Chapter 1

Alfonso found a gleaming kitten egg on one dark and stormy night. He had been contemplating his humdrum plan for world domination! At the local tavern he had been contemplating this but that was before the tavern wench threw him out on his rump. Now he stood alone in the rain—just him and the egg.

The egg of the kitten was calico colored, with splotches of onyx, citrine and pearlescent white and something about it spoke to him. As a matter a fact he could almost hear a sullen, miniscule "ME-AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!"

This instantly struck a chord in Alfonso's heart, this cry that sounded oddly like a werewolf. He took home, home to his beloved great-uncle Duke Fart's-a lot and his best friend and cousin, Murielle. Hastily Alfonso knocked on the ridiculously large mansion's door, and his transvestite cousin answered, patting his long, glossy blond curls tucked under a floral sombrero.

"Murielle, Murielle, I found a most extraordinary thing—an egg of a cat!" Alfonso whipped the egg out from under his flashy traveler's cloak and grinned in pride.

"Good heavens Alfonso, you know Duke Fart's-a lot doesn't approve of eggs of cats!" Murielle adjusted his skimpy dress to cover his hairy legs as he spoke.

"That is a rather becoming dress, Murielle—is it new?"

"Why yes, don't you adore this, darling? I have a date tonight."

"We've been through this before, Murielle, incest is a sin."

Murielle gasped and demanded, "How did you know about me and Sir Robin?"

"He came out of your bathroom wearing a furry brown kimono and your magenta lipstick on his face."

Now Murielle became physically angered, his chin began to quiver and the dingle berries on the sombrero shook "I thought I told you that when the helmet's hanging off the door not to disturb me."

"To the contrary, Murielle, it was the two of you who disturbed me; don't you know it's unholy to wake a person at noon on a Saturday morning?"

"Don't lecture me on what is unholy you who bears the egg of a cat!"

A aging man in blue polka dot tights and an admiral's bicorn walked up to the threshold, he growled, "What is this about cat eggs?"

Alfonso did not have enough time to conceal the said egg before Murielle boasted, "Your nephew has brought an omen more unholy than the affair I had with Sir Robin that we will pretend never happened."

"So the prophecy is true," Duke Farts-a lot murmured and spat bubble gum on the welcome mat. However his aim happened to be off and it got on Murielle's dress.

"You oaf, that was expensive!" wailed the she-man.

Alfonso took advantage of the ensuing argument to dash past his uncle and into the second floor privy. There he found all he needed to escape Duke Farts-a lot's mansion: rope, a sheet, a monkey wrench, a magic marker, a mardi gras mask and a banana. He wrapped the sheet around him, put the mardi gras mask on his face, tied the rope around his waist and stuck the banana in his make-shift belt and then with his magic marker drew a clever smiley face so as to conceal the cat egg.

"Alfonso, get down here this instant! I demand it!" screeched Murielle. "I need you to take my new dress to the village dry-cleaners before the stain sets in!"

Now, Alfonso said to this, "Nevah! Take your own damn laundry!"

And with this, the emo dude boldly broke down the door of the privy and aimed the banana at Duke Farts-a lot's head. "Don't make me, uncle; I swear I'll do it; don't make me use this!"

Just then, he felt the smiley egg twitch and jump inside his flashy traveler's cloak. Laughing maniacally, Duke Farts-a lot whipped out an overripe papaya and Murielle fainted, exposing a great deal of hairy leg. The egg continued to squirm as uncle and nephew faced each other, fruit pointed at one another in spite.

"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Murielle had recovered and jumped into the line of fire just as Alfonso pulled the trigger on the banana.

All too late to spare his cousin, Alfonso's banana rocketed out of the peel and collided into Murielle's bosom in a creamy, white mess. The transvestite slowly doubled over and collapsed to the ground, never again opening his eyes to the world of the living.

"See what you have done?" moaned Duke Farts-a lot as he cradled his gender-confused child in his flabby arms, papaya forgotten at his side. "My only daughter—I mean, son!"

"Well, I warned you!" Alfonso cried as he stared in wonder at the cat egg.

A crack started to form down the middle of the smiley face, causing Duke Farts-a lot to gasp, "The prophecy!" and retrieve the papaya.

But just as he was about to fire the papaya, the shell burst and from the egg came a great, "ME-ARROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

There, curled inside the shell lay an angel-faced, innocent, newborn kitten with fangs as long as a walrus' tusks.

"Kill it!" raged the Duke, "Toss him over the edge of the world so that he may never fulfill the doom´ed prophecy!"

The angel-faced kitten poked his head over the side of the luminescent shell and sneered, "For your information, I am a pussy cat."

Alfonso dropped the egg in shock and the remaining half of the shell scattered all over the rug, the pussy cat rolled over and proceeded to rub his aching behind.

Fuming, Duke Farts-a lot lowered the papaya to the cat's level, "This ends now…muhahahaha!!!"

Quickly Alfonso scoped up the sassy kitten and ran to the door in a zigzag line to avoid being shot by the lethal papaya. He tripped on the sheet and fell on the cat, "OOAFF!"

"Son of a witch!" exclaimed the kitten and clawed Alfonso's face.

Laughing from the belly, Duke Farts-a lot shook his head, "Don't you get it, Alfonso, that cat will be the death of you, the human race, the dwarven race—the planet as we know it! Not to mention the brothels would go out of business!"

"So that's why Murielle was so warped, I wondered…" Alfonso muttered as he rubbed the blood off his cheek with a corner of the sheet.

"Dude, we need to get the hell out of here!" interrupted the cat.

"Well, excuse me—my cousin just died because of me and I need time to mourn her—erm…him!"

"I'll have people mourning for you if we don't skedaddle!" and with amazing speed the kitten bolted out the front door.

That is no ordinary cat, Alfonso mused as he ran after the kitten.