Chapter 1: Halley's Vomit


Nothing is real on the internet; I think we all know that. Even if it is likely that what you see before you on this computer screen could somehow fit in with whatever reality you are familiar with, keep in mind that everything here in cyberspace is nothing but a big fat old lie. If it seems real, and if something in the real world seems to confirm it's real, even then, it's not real. It must be some sort of cruel joke.

These are the thoughts that came to Isaac "Thad" Thaddeus Gunter III as he viewed the history file before him. Isaac had become a recluse in recent years, locking himself off from the real world some time ago. Once he was a successful reporter, a documentary filmmaker. But after a horrible bout with the diseases known as lethargacy and cynicism, he decided that breathing the air outside of his moderately expensive home just wasn't worth the hassle. Since then he did little but sit at his computer, eat, and occasionally shit and piss, sometimes all three at once. He had grown to over three hundred pounds since he stopped his pathetic attempt at exercising, and he believed that he had bonded on a chemical level with his office chair. He had become quite familiar with the computer world since then, often mistaking it for reality, often believing it in fact to be the real world. But something he discovered today shocked him, disgusted him.

He thought of some excuse. He tried to rationalize. "She's just kidding." "No body can change that much... Even over a course of that much time." "She would never betray me like that." Nothing on the internet is real.

No matter how much of this Isaac believe, it didn't change the fact that he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He could feel the innards of his stomach rising from the pit of his large belly. He knew what was coming. He wheeled himself over to the small, rarely used trashcan in the center of the room. He lifted it up to his face just in time as a large amount of vomit forcefully exited Isaac's mouth. The yellow liquid contain the partially digested ice cream Sunday, left-over pizza, three pancakes, and a Steak McOlive that he consumed for breakfast that day, all mixed together in a disgusting ooze. Also along for the ride was the remnants of last night's diner of four whole extra-large pizzas, a bucket of deep fried sour cream, seventeen hamburgers, and that egg fu-young that was in the back of the fridge for at least two days too many. Being vomitus, a large percentage of all of this was sickly yellow bile.

The small trash bin Isaac had chosen as the reciprocal for his glorious emesis was obviously not large enough to properly contain everything listed above, thus, much of it overflowed onto Isaac's beautiful Chinese silk carpet. This would have further upset Isaac if it wasn't for the fact that his bowels, obviously jealous of his upper digestive track, decided to completely empty as well. The fact that Isaac placed more value on his office chair, which was currently being stained by green pepper green shit, is pretty concurrent with the behavior of a hardcore internet junkie.

He reached his hands back behind him for what seemed like the first time in ages, and slowly peeled his pants away from his ass, allowing the unending tap of liquid shit to freely spray the floor. Without even realizing it, Isaac had lifted himself from his chair, for what must have been the first time in two years, at the start of this disgusting display. Also unknown to him, this extreme behavior was binging his body free of the excess weight it had collected over all this time.

Twenty minutes later, when Isaac "Thad" Thaddeus Gunter III finally had stop crapping and puking all over the place, he had return to the physical size and shape he was at seven years ago, back before he had boarded himself off from the outside world. Now, his appearance resembled that of a handsome twenty something actor, with straight glistening black hair, penetrating deep blue eyes, a chiseled chin, and a barreled chest and abs. Even his teeth, due to the large amount of stomach acid in his throw-up, had transformed into a collection of pearly whites.

Thoroughly mutated by his experience, the brand new Isaac "Thad" Thaddeus Gunter III walked back to his computer screen to view the horrible display that launched him into this in the first place. There on the screen was a picture of Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs, his beautiful high school sweetheart and near fiancée, being brutally sodomized by a rather largish fellow on a cheap porn site. More disturbing then the act on screen was the joyous pleasured expression on Helen's face. This time, tears formed in Isaac's eyes.

He spoke to an unseen audience of internet readers, all of which are composed of The Author's friends and no one else, "I know my sweet Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs, would never willingly participate in such a horrible, horrible act. I swear to Cthulu that whoever forced her into such a situation, will pay! I will strike down upon thee with glorious vengeance and furious anger he who dare corrupt the sweet, innocent rose that is my sweet, sweet, Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs!"

He stopped and thought for a second, observing his spoiled surroundings.

"But first I better take a shower."