Being home felt different, I had no worries of running into high school sweet hearts, or wondering how my family would react to my new boyfriend. Because my boyfriend was someone they already knew, part of them probably hated him but at least they knew how much he meant to me and most importantly how much he loved me. I felt acceptance as we drove into the town. Like nothing had changed except everything had. My social status, my state of mind, my feelings, practically everything.
It may not have seemed like a week or two difference would have changed my feeling in so many ways. The fact that I felt so different driving into town week was so different from Christmas proves so many things.
One was that the abstence of Brendon from my life, affected my life, my feelings, my thought greatly. Second was unconsciously those weeks before I knew that being with Adam was a mistake, and from the night of Ricky's wake I slowly found out how much Adam wasn't the man I thought he was.
And lastly was even thought the damaged relationship with Luke inhabited my thoughts, I finally knew that it wont be fixed, not for a while at least but he no longer hated me or resented me for leading me on and that was enough.
I never really finished anything in my life. I would start things and wouldn't finish them. But this year I did. I finished the awful hatred with Ricky, I finished it in so many ways. I got back the relationship that I once had with my brother, by simply growing up a little at a time. I finished the self hatred I had for myself in many ways. Wheather it was from myself believing that I was a slut only because my brother said so, or from forcing myself to not eat simply because I wanted a smaller dress or punishing myself for every little dramatic item in my life, that was all over.
Everything, all of that was fiished and I was glad but I was a better person because of it. We walked in the house quietly, our mother unaware that we were coming home. "mom?" I questioned as I walked into the kitchen while Drake sat in the living room with Brendon. My mother stood there next to the sink, cleaning dishes. I smiled as I remembered the day she stood there empting out cans of beer, marking her existence as a sober women.
"honey, what are you doing home?" I shrugged as I jumped onto the counter. "mom." I said softly. She slowly turned off the running water and turned towards me. "I broke up with Adam." I grunted. "for Brendon." I smiled. She shook her head. "Honor, Honor." She said with a slight smile.
"are you sure that's what the best?" I nodded. "he's in there, with Drake." I said sarcastically. "mom, I know for a while know, that guy out there hasn't been your favorite person for many reasons I understand but I've found it in my heart to forgive him and let my heart fully love him, so you can too." She smiled as her eyes glowed. "come here." She said giving me hug. "I love you sweetie." "I love you too mom."
I followed her into the living room where the guys sat. "hello." She said rather fakely. "hi mom." Drake said boldly as Brendon sat there rather nervous. "well we're just dropping off the small minded." I said sarcastically, giving Brendon his cue to stand up. "so I don't know if I'll be home." She nodded. "alright." My mom said giving me another hug.
"I forgot my bag." Drake said jogging out to the car. "bye." Brendon and I said simitensouly as we walked outside. "so I guess I wont see you till summer." Drake said as we met in the grass as Brendon continued his walk. He nodded.
"so I'll see you then." He continued. "thanks." "for what?" he asked. "just for being a good brother." He smiled. "you think I'm a good brother?" he asked. I nodded. "yes and cocky." "well I guess you're a good sister." He said sarcastically. "now really?" I said with jest. "alright." I said hugging him before leaving to the car.
We drove to the oversized Urie household with the English witch undoubtly sat inside. We walked inside and upstairs to the quiet house and into his bedroom where the tiny little girl who changed our lifes sat with her jelous mother. Spencer's eyes widened, glowing skin as she came crawling towards Brendon. "Da-Da." She mumbled until she reached his feet. I crossed my arms insight of the beautiful child. I wished so many things when it came to Spencer, the whole surrounding circumstances around her.
I wished I was her mother, I wished Brendon wasn't the father, I wished Ellie wasn't the mother, I wish Spencer didn't exsist, I wished Ellie never came back here, I wish I never let Brendon go there. I wish all this hopes were true, although they were all unprobable and not likely but I still wished.
But looking at Brendon picking up his daughter I smiled. He looked joyus as did she, yet I felt confused. Then I remembered if I could have any part of this child's life, then I was lucky that after all the horrid things I've said about the things surrounding Spencer that I was forgiven by all, because if I know Brendon at all he will raise on wonderful kid. And all that hate, and sadness I held within me about Ellie and Spencer was finished.
"hi." Brendon said softly bringing Spencer farther into the room. "hello." She said quietly. "Hi." I said pausing quietly. "Ellie." She nodded. "Hey Honor." "Brendon, would you mind if I had this?" Ellie asked nervously picking up a photo of the three of them
"Ellie, who know I think we might just see each other again." He said sarcastically. "I know, just.." she said more quiet and subdued then usually. "sure, go ahead." He said finally, she smiled as she put it in her bag. "I'll be right back." I said feeling the tension rise between the two of them.
I walked into the bathroom immeaditly and in a few minutes came back out. "o hi." Ellie said after I nearly bumped into her. "sorry." I mumbled. "so I guess our battle for him is finally over." She said as I walked towards Brendon's bedroom.
"huh?" I questioned turning around. "don't pretend like your not happy, you won, rejoice." I rolled my eyes. "In no way will I rejoice for your heart breaking, I'm sorry." She shook her head. "don't pitty me." I smiled. "alright, I'm not sorry." I said quietly. "personally, I think I've felt worse but unlike me you will always have this unspoken bond with Brendon not to mention that beautiful child you have." She shrugged.
"it's not the same thing you two have, you guys have true love and he has always loved you." I shrugged. "why must we compete for whoever has the best thing with Brendon, why cant we be friends?" She shook her head. "do you really want to be my friend?" There was a tension filled silence.
"how about a little less then friends but a lot more then enemies." I replied. "good enough." She said reaching out her hand. We shook hands as if in one of the feel good movies of the year. "I'll see you around." She said as she moved towards the bathroom and I towards Brendon's room.
I walked in and little Spencer was sitting on the ground playing with her stuffed animal. I smiled and sat on the ground next to her. "hi Spencer, do you remember me?" I asked gladly. "probably not, I'm Honor." I saw a gleam in her eyes. "Nor." I smiled. "close enough sweetie."
"you know you look a lot like your daddy." I said with a grin. "but much cuter." I smiled as I looked up at Brendon looking upon us from the bed. I grunted as I pushed myself up to a standing position.
"you ready to go?" he asked looking at me. "where are we going?" I asked. "just come on." He said picking up his daughter. I followed them down the stairs where Mr. Urie was sitting on the couch. "hey Dad." Brendon said.
"Ellie just left." He said with out letting his eyes leave the tv. "I know, can you watch Spencer for a while." Mr. Urie grunted as he slowly turned around. "Honor?" he questioned. "in the flesh." I replied sarcastically. "where are you two off too?" "a place." Brendon said with a grin. "so you finally dumped that English?" he asked with a smile.
Brendon just shrugged. "at least you can understand this one on a normal basis." And with that I smiled. Whatever those few words that fell from Mr. Urie's mouth was the closest he would ever come to complimenting me. I smiled, acknowledging his comment. "yeah, I'll take the kid." He said finally taking Spencer from Brendon's arms. "bye sweetie." Brendon said kissing his child's forehead. "bye." I said mutually.
"so where are we going?" I asked sternly as we got back into the car. Brendon never answered me. He drove to the high school and parked in the student parking lot. "what are we doing here?" I asked. He held my hand, saying nothing as we walked up into the woods. "Brendon." I said giggling.
We finally sat down against the tree, sitting upon all the leaves and broken sticks. "what are we doing here Brendon?" I asked again. "we are sitting." I rolled my eyes as we sat in silence. "rememeber when we would sit up here all day, talking, you writing and skipping class." He said looking at the ground.
"that I do." He pulled out the shinning ring from his pocket. "I just thought this should stay here." He said with a mischevious expression as he hid it beneath the dirt and sand. "we need a new start Honor." I nodded. He pulled out a small box and handed it to me. I opened it slowly to find a silver necklace with a shining circle in the middle.
I smiled as I looked over at him. "it represents interinty." He reached for the necklace and pulled it around my neck and clasped. "love for internity." I nodded. "that's a promise." I moved my hand to the necklace.
There the necklace stayed as we sat in the quiet woods above the school that held so many things. These woods use to be our special place, where we could always find a sancutuary for a time in need. And the ring hided there, repsented that much and more.
A promise of internal love. Something that would last forever. But that love I never truly doubted, somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew it was there. I may have denied and been a little unsure of the kind of love, but I always knew it was there. It was something that was there forever and that I never lost. That never changed. That will never change.
"I love you." I whispered into the cool breeze as the dead leave blew through the air and the unsettling feeling of change rushed around me. "I love you too." I heard from the soft voice above me coming from Brendon. An interinity of love. I never really needed to choose between family, or Brendon, or even school. I always had the choice of having it all, and I finally knew that as Brendon sat next to me hand in hand. I smiled, revelaing my perly whites. As I remembered something my father once said to me. "never let anyone tell you that you cant have it all, because you can if it's worth it then you can have it." I smiled. And it was worth it.