I am so excited for my new shoes! They're 18th century, Victorian style, and I'm quite content for I've been waiting to own shoes like that for a long time.

Now, to get down to the core of things as of the late.

It's been rocky, for sure. Icy Blues still burn through my mind and it's a subconscious form of thinking throughout my mind, unable to stop them. They just come without warning. Songs, places, things, they all trigger some sort of memory. Then the Icy Blues come into my mind. And for what? I don't wantthat. Not at all. It's not a healthy thing to fall back upon those thoughts, but I have no control whatsoever. How do you stop thinking about things? How does one control their mind over subconscious thoughts? I surely have not learned that yet, and I pray I do soon. It's almost been a year and I'm tired. Very tired.

They still don't know what wrong. I have to do more tests, but I'm praying it's nothing that can't be fixed.

The holidays are depressing. It reminds me of all the scary Christmases I had when I was younger and it's not fun. I remember the ones I had, not inside my own home. It makes me tear up a little. A lot, sometimes.

My best one was with you, but… that doesn't matter now.