The children are upstairs in bed sleeping as I sit here looking out at the streets below. Who would have guessed that one night that should not have happened would produce my twin darlings? It is raining outside, so the busy streets of New York have a darkly cold sound to them. Had you asked me two years ago where I wanted to be now, it would not have been here.
To tell you my story I must begin four years ago when quite by chance on a train ride from college in Colorado to Atlanta to visit my cousin Katia and her husband for Spring break, when I met Connor. He was on the train headed home to see his parents. He lived in Denver now and was homesick. We sat and talked for the hours we were on the train. I had put down my guard and allowed a total stranger to see into the heart of this Haitian flower.
I am originally from Haiti. My parents had sent me to Atlanta when I was very young to stay with my aunt. I loved living with her, but there was a lot I missed out on when it came to having a normal childhood. My aunt had been widowed and had four children of her own, myself and my sister Ginette had been welcome, but an added strain. I worked hard in school, and made grades good enough that I could attend on a full scholarship the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley. I had just completed my BA in Psychology with a minor in Education two years before and had begun Grad school. I was studying to be a counseling Psychologist and was well on my way to accomplishing my goal when I met him.
As we sat and talked about personal goals, triumphs and setbacks of life we realized that we had a lot in common. We were both Christians, attended the same church, we both wanted to do so much for those around us and our families and so many other things. The only thing was that Connor was Caucasian, very tall with a lean frame, had wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. He was a polar opposite to my average height, dark kinky hair and black eyes. He was not cut from the same cloth as I was and living in Atlanta I knew how racist things could be.
Though we had our setbacks, we decided to exchange numbers and e-mail addresses. For the next few months we corresponded via e-mail and the occasional phone call. Every other month or so, I would visit his church in Denver and he would come visit mine in Greeley. We were pretty soon the best of friends and inseparable. That was until the day he met Hannah.
Hannah was everything I wasn't. She was tall and thin leaning more on the boyish side, with long needle straight blonde hair and green eyes. When she stood beside him, they seemed to fit. How could I compete with her? And bit by bit as she took more of his time and energy I began to feel upset, I started to notice that I had feelings for him that I hadn't had before. It was so funny how it took a new girl in his life to realize how much I cared for him.
The day came when I would be leaving Greeley to spend 2 years in New York as an intern at an Urban Counseling Centre. With my fluency in four languages it had been most logical to send me to the melting pot of North America. I don't know if it was the thought of me leaving for up to 2 years or if it was the fact that he and Hannah had decided to take a break, all I know is that one day I woke up and he called me and asked me out on a date. I elatedly accepted.
The date went very well, so well in fact that we decided to attend my going away party together. At the going away party we drank a little bit too much, I know that I cannot blame what happened that night as a result of the alcohol, we had both known what was happening. I gave him my most prized possession, my purity and in many ways it changed me. The next morning I woke up and looked into his face and knew that he wished I was Hannah and that he regretted the action. So with as much dignity as I could manage I got up and left the room, leaving behind my heart, my love, and my soul.
I didn't speak to him for the first few weeks as I was working on understanding what God's forgiveness meant. As we finally began to talk again he told me that he and Hannah had patched things up. It hurt me so much that I pulled back from him.
Then I found out I was pregnant I fell into a deep pit of despair that only work, my family and my friends helped me out of. I hadn't wanted kids at this age. I was only twenty-four, well on my way to achieving my goals. I felt as if God was punishing me for being a 'bad girl', not realizing that no matter what happened in life it would work out for good. I cried each time I picked up the phone to call him and tell him. He was always gushing on about the latest development in him and Hannah's relationship. So I decided selfishly not to tell him and I began to plan for my children.
When my babies came, it was hard work taking care of twin boys whom I named Corey and David. My best friends practically moved in with me for the first few months as I had to juggle work, writing my thesis and taking care of my darlings. They matured me in many ways, it was no longer about just me, and it was also about them. I wanted the best for them, yet my heart was too selfish to share them with their father. They were mine, my precious babies who reminded me so much of him, and the love that got away.
In all of that time I had never spoken or really seen Connor. Our e-mails had become clipped and short and it hurt that our friendship had turned this way. Maybe someday I'd tell him the truth and we would end up with a semblance of what we had felt for each other before.
So here I sit, by my window looking outside as my doorbell chimes. Sighing I get up to answer it. I open my door and the face I see on the outside takes my breath away.
"Hello Gilianne. How have you been?" he greeted so stoically that I knew he had found out. It was time to face the truth.