The Adventures of Jeff Honkanheimi

It was a dark and gloomy night. The ninjas slowly crept into the house, one by one, until all had entered safely. They glided down the hall and into the kitchen.

Asleep in his bed upstairs was 34-year-old Jeff Honkaniemi. He heard a noise coming from his kitchen and awoke. He slipped on a bathrobe and clutched a golf club that had been leaning on the corner of the wall. He tiptoed downstairs, and to his horror, saw the seven ninjas!

"W-w-what do you want?" Jeff stammered.

"Graaaape..." Hissed one of the ninjas.

"You want grapes?" Jeff stepped back and raised one eyebrow. One of the ninjas reached into the pantry and pulled out a box of cereal.

"Grape nuts..." The ninja said as he slipped the box of cereal behind him.

"You want my grape nuts? What?!" The ninjas slipped away and left a very confused Jeff in the middle of the kitchen holding a 7-iron.

"Hey! That's my breakfast you took! Uh... ok! You know what, I don't care! Yeah! Take the grape nuts! Ok! Sure!" Jeff yelled back at the ninjas, but they had already slipped away into the night.

Jeff had just finished grieving over his lost breakfast, when he saw a figure moving out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to see the smallest of the ninja putting the grape nuts back into its spot in his pantry and climbing out the window.

Fascinated, Jeff crept over to the small closet where he kept his kitchen supplies to see if he could figure out why they had taken the wheat and barley cereal in the first place. To his horror, when he opened the box, he saw it was filled withBRAINS! Pulsing, slimy, gray, and wrinkly little buggers, oozing to the brim with whatever putty substance was keeping them from deflating.

"The crap-?!" exclaimed Jeff as he jumped back, simultaneously tossing the organ-filled box to the floor. The man winced as the slithering mass slid out and across the tile of his kitchen.

"What type of sick ninja would demand cereal, replacing it with brains?" he muttered, confused and more than a bit disgusted, "More importantly, what do I do wi-"

He was cut off by the sound of large scrambling feet bounding down his staircase. Rather than being frightened, Jeff breathed a sigh of relief at the loud intrusion. Here we believe we should take the time to point out something many of you may have already noticed. Jeff is every bit the perfect example of the stereotypical bachelor. Thirty four, twenty three pounds overweight, not very cleanly, and every bit alone, Jeff has good reason for wanting a companion. Lacking the social skills of a man capable of attracting the attention of the female of the species, Jeff looked to the next best thing-

"Buster! There you are, old boy! Where were you when the ninja came? They were down here demanding cereal! Look what they did to our floor!"

The 200 lb. mastiff blinked quizzically at his master, obviously still a little dazed having been awoken by Jeff's yelp. The cheerful, shaggy brute had taken it upon himself to borrow some of his master's traits and qualities, as most dogs do. The dog himself was 20 pounds overweight, which was quite conceivable considering his human was the owner of a minimum wage job and often ended up simply feeding the canine whatever scraps of leftover Chinese food he had.

Shaking off his sleep, the dog nosed his way towards his master, caught his eye on the gooey mass of smelly intelligence seeping across the floor, and did what any respectable mastiff would do; trudged over to the offensive pile and started lapping it up into his drooling mouth.

But instead of stopping Buster from eating any more of the midnight snack, Jeff figured that brains were healthy and full of vitamins and minerals. Surely brains were healthier than what the dog had eaten before. So, yeah. Jeff didn't really care much. Apparently Buster liked cleaning up the mess. The brains were gone faster than you can say "Ohmygawdthisstoryisgoingnowhereohwellitsbetterthanwhaticandobutidontreallycarebecausevincentisamazinglyawesomeandimjusttryingtocomeupwithstufftotypeandido-notknowhowicancomeupwithenoughstufftotypeinandihaveafeelingthateveryonewill-hatemenow."

"Aw, man! What am I going to do for breakfast?" Jeff asked no one in particular. He scratched his head as he remembered that there was no food in the house.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!!" cried Vash the Stampede as he crashed through the kitchen window.

"Oh god, I must be hallucinating." Jeff stammered as Vash dusted the broken glass off his trench coat.

"Oh wow, sorry about your window. But I couldn't help overhearing your dilemma... so I brought donuts!" Vash pulled out a bright box filled with glazed donuts. "Here, try some!"

"Who are you?"

"Who am I? I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser the third! Don't hesitate to call..."

"AAUUGGHH! This is INSANE! Get out of my house!!!" Jeff yelled.

"B-b-but the donuts!"


"Ooooh, someone's a little angry... have a donut."

Just as Jeff was about to shove Vash out the door, they heard a giant crash coming from the kitchen. They rushed into the kitchen to find Jeff's toaster in pieces.

"My toaster! Is this some evil plot to make sure that I don't have breakfast today?!?"

"Very good, Jeffery... You seem to have figured out my plan..." Jeff turned around to see his evil twin brother Weff leaning mischievously in the corner.

"Weff! What are you doing here?"

Weff laughed manically. "I, Weffery Von Honkaniemi, am here to stop YOU from eating breakfast today! You see, breakfast is the most important meal of the day... MUAHAHAHAHA! Mmmmyes. I see you have already met the ninjas... but that is only the first stage of my plot to take away your breakfast..."

"Heh, well, I still have other food I can eat for breakfast!" Jeff turned around just in time to see the ninjas toting away his refrigerator on a forklift.

"I won't let this poor man suffer for no reason at all!" cried Vash, rather valiantly.

"Without a cause? I very much have a cause!" Weff cried back, a bit flustered. "When we were just boys Jeffery always took the last bowl of SUPER Marshmallow and Sugary Wonderful cereal. Soon after he took the cereal, he took my lunch sandwiches and Cheetos, and then my steak and potatoes at dinner! I plan to do the same to him until he admits his wrongdoings."

"Never!" shouted Jeff as he pulled a knife out of the butcher block and charged at Weff.

"Your foolishness amuses me," chuckled Weff, now back to his usual self. "You can never defeat me, for I have a secret weapon behind this curtain."

Jeff stared at the curtain behind Weff trying to remember if it had been there when he had bought the house.

Weff had his hand on the curtain and was about reveal his plan when Buster started madly barking at Vash.

"Woof woof!" he growled, and leapt towards the taller man, swiping at the donuts he held with his sharp teeth. Weff blinked, "Eh-wha? O-oh yes! This is all part of the plan, dear brother! I won't let you have any breakfast! This machine-!" he pulled down the curtain roughly, revealing a tinkering, cluttering, obviously home-made mechanism which appeared to be leaking grape juice out the side, "Yes, this machine was made specifically to overpower, control, and command all lower forms of life! Your canine's puny mind is no match for…for…dear brothe-?"

Jeff snapped at Vash's hand, making him drop the donuts which scattered across the floor, "Grrrrr woof!" Jeff barked and leapt again up towards Vash's startled face.

Weff was startled as well, for Jeff and Buster were both in fact on all fours, barking at Vash. Weff stared at his brother for a brief moment, then suddenly recalled the fact that Jeff was 7 canine due to a sewing accident gone horribly, horribly wrong.

"I…uh…erm… maybe this was a bad time for me to drop in…," Weff muttered to himself as he began walking towards the front door. "I shall retreat for now, dear brother, but be prepared!! For I, Weffery Von Honkaniemi, will strike again!!!"

The door slammed shut, and Vash was beginning to freak out as Jeff and Buster continued barking. "Uh.- I do have a gun you know… but I'd rather not use it. Why are you guys barking at me, anyway?! What did I do!? I'm only trying to be a good person! And now my donuts are all on the floor. Those were expensive, too. Why do these things always happen to me? Why? Now I just want to go home!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, appeared the Good Witch of the North.

"Vash the Stampede, if you want to go home, all you must do is tap your heels three times and say 'There's no place like home'."

"Uh… okay?" A confused Vash slowly closed his eyes and repeated, "There's no place like home… there's no place like home…"

When Vash opened his eyes, he was in Kansas.

"Wow! What am I doing here? This isn't home... I know! I'll just call my new best friend Jeff and ask him if he'll come and get me!" Vash thought out loud.

Meanwhile, while Jeff was recovering from his bizarre lapse of acting like a dog, he realized that he was very hungry. Just as he looked over to see what had happened to those donuts, he noticed Buster happily lapping up the last of them. Since he was, in fact, 7 canine, he decided that he would just eat dog food for today. As he was pouring dog food into a bowl, his cell phone rang.


"Hiya, Jeff! It's me!"

"Um... who? Wait, are you that George Doitzel Kaiser guy? How did you get this number?!?"

"Uh, no. This is Vincent, from next door. I was wondering if I could borrow two eggs for a soufflé I'm making."

"Oh, sorry Vincent. I didn't know it was you. And, well, I would give you some, but it's a long story! You see, my refrigerator and all my other food just got stolen by my evil twin brother and his pet ninjas and—"

"Okay... that's enough. Thanks anyway... I guess." Just as Jeff set down his cell phone, it rang again!

"Hiya, Jeff! It's me!"

"Yeah, hi. Who is this? Vincent again?"

"Don't you recognize my voice? It's me! Vash!"

"Who? Sorry, I don't know a 'Vash'."

"No, silly! It's me! Mr. George Doitzel Kaiser man!"

"AAAAAAAAHH! How did you get this number? More importantly, how was I so certain before that you would call me?!" Jeff hung up the phone.

"Crazy nut..." Vash thought out loud as he walked along a dirt road that led particularly nowhere.

As Vash was heading toward particularly nowhere, he got lost in his own thoughts. 'Was it destiny that I met Jeffery and Weffery? Do they have any connection to my TV show? Is there really no place like home? Why is Kansas so plain? I'm hungry,' were just a few of his thoughts. Before he realized it, he had wandered into a small town.

"Hello, there young man! What brings you here?" questioned a droll old man wearing a red pinstriped suit and a matching hat.

"Well, since I don't know where here is, I am not quite sure. Can you point me in the direction of Jeff Honkanhiemi's house?"

The jolly man responded with, "I'm not sure who Jeff Honkanhiemi is, but I do know that you're in the town of Particularly Nowhere on the border of Kansas and California. And, if it's Weff van Honkanhiemi you're looking for, he lives right over there."

The man pointed to the northeast, and when Vash looked over his shoulder to see the house a bolt of lightning cracked, and he saw a miasma filled sky around a castle.

"Weff's been gone for awhile, but I'm sure that if you rang the doorbell one of his ninja will let you in and you can stay there until he gets back," the man smiled with his parting words and slipped away into a nearby candy shop.

"Huh," Vash grunted and made his way to Weff's mansion with a new resolve to help his friend Jeff in his struggle.

As Vash walked down the winding walkway towards Weff's mansion he couldn't help but notice the numerous and flamboyant statues and fountains scattered across the vast lawn. Models ranging from common garden gnomes to intricate Jade Buddha statues obviously extremely valuable.

"Where'd he get all this junk?" Vash muttered to himself, "Does he collect these worthless thin-"

He couldn't complete his talking to himself-ness as he was viciously tripped and fell straight on his face. Vash groaned and sat up, clutching his head and ready to defend himself against whatever attacker managed to get past his inherent detecting abilities.

There before him was the pinkest, cutest, most adorable little plastic pink lawn flamingo Vash had ever seen. Mind, he hadn't seen very many plastic flamingos anyway.

Vash blinked once, twice, before a wide grin plastered itself on his face and he swiped up the flamingo, hugging it close, "Oh wow! How cute! I never imagined I'd find something so completely adorable in all my years!" he cried, rocking the plastic model in his arms, "Oh how I wish I could keep hi-"

Vash's talking to himself was once again cut off (how annoying, ne?) as two black blurs zoomed at him from the mansion's roof. Two ninja grabbed his arms and held them behind his back, forcing him to drop the bird which shattered. It took the blond a moment to comprehend the situation before his eyes widened and he shrieked, "My beautiful pink bird! Wha-How dare you evil ninja force me to kill him!"

The ninja sent each other looks before one of them roughly pushed two fingers against a pressure point in Vash's neck, causing him to faint mid statement of 'you horrible, awful, retched, cruel-' (Man, Vash just can't seem to keep a full sentence going)

"Oh, you wouldn't know the awful day I've had!" Was the first thing Vash heard as he shook himself awake, "First the ninja play pranks with their brain-bugs instead of completing the mission I had assigned, then the plan completely fails when I try to step in!" Vash opened his eyes wearily to see Weff himself speaking to an itty bitty person he was holding in his arms, "Oh Fluffy, you don't have to put up with terrible days like this! Your life is always perfect!" he whined, patting the little man on the head.

Vash moaned in pain before saying, "Is he talking to his tiny pet man…? He should know not even a domesticated animal would be able to respond. What a weirdo."

Oddly enough, Weff didn't respond to Vash's comment. Either that, or he hadn't heard him. So Vash, being the genius that he is, decided to repeat himself.

"Ahem. I said 'What. A. Wierdo," Vash raised his voice to a half-yell.

"Oh, so I see you're awake," noted Weff as his tiny pet man squirmed out of his grasp and ran out of the room. No… not quite a room. More like a closet.

"Er… yeah. Hey, why is this room so small? If this is a mansion, shouldn't it have big rooms? Well, unless this is a closet, though I don't see any coats or jackets or shoes. Why are we in here, anyway? Is something wrong? And why am I tied up?! I didn't do anything wrong yet, did I? I mean, if you're going to tie me up, it should be for a good rea—"

"Quiet, you fool!" Vash was once again interrupted. "I, Weffery von Honkaniemi, have been tricked for the last time!! Now no one can foil my plan!"

"Okaaaay, but that still doesn't explain why I'm tied up."

"Of course it does, you idiot!!! You've been taken hostage!! My brother will come to rescue you, then I'll finally be able to get my revenge!"

"Ah. That would explain things. Well can I have something to eat, at least? What kind of meanie wouldn't feed their guests?"

"You are no guest," replied Weff. "You are a hostage."

"Psh. Same thing."

Meanwhile, Jeff was on the sofa watching the Discovery Channel when suddenly a brick flew through the kitchen window. Thankfully, the window was already broken, thanks to a certain Vash the Stampede who crashed through it the night before. However, the brick then plummeted onto the counter, causing quite a bit of damage.

"AH! What is going on?!?!" Jeff stomped over to the kitchen and, in an act of rage, threw the brick back out the window. Unfortunately, it was too late for Jeff to notice the note tied to the brick, or the fact that he had just thrown the brick through his neighbor's kitchen window. A certain someone's soufflé-making was going to be interrupted.

Meanwhile, Vincent had just returned from the store with a new carton of eggs for his soufflé, when suddenly a brick flew in through his window! It landed on a tub of Crisco, knocked it to the floor and shattered it. Vincent, not looking where he was going, slipped on the Crisco and fell, breaking all of his new eggs.

"What the-?" Vincent shakily stood up and examined the projectile that had just crashed through his window.

"There's a note... 'Come to Weff's mansion in Kansas to rescue your friend, otherwise you will be dead tomorrow'. What the heck is that supposed to mean? This doesn't make any sense... Whatever. Now where did I put those eg- aw MAN!"

Back at Jeff's house, Jeff was wondering desperately what was on that note tied to the brick. He decided that he should apologize to Vincent, and picked up his phone. He had forgotten Vincent's phone number, so he pressed 'redial' and waited for an answer.

"Hi Jeff! I figured it was only a matter of time until you called me back! And if you don't mind I'm—"

"Woah woah woah! Who is this... wait a minute! YOU were the one who called me last! Mr. Koitzel Gaiser or whatever your name was!"

"Well, actually it's Doitzel Kaiser, but who cares, right? Now, if you wouldn't mind, I kinda need you to come rescue me from your brother's house—" Jeff slammed the phone back into the receiver.

"This... isn't... happening... Who does that guy think he IS?! He bursts in, breaks half the stuff in my house, then expects me to come RESCUE HIM? He must be out of his MIND!"

Meanwhile, at Weff's mansion, the doorbell rang.

"Aha! I see my gullible brother has finally come to rescue his little friend. Oooh, this should be good!" Weff opened the door. "AAAHH! Who are you?!"

"Vincent Valentine, I, uh, got your note."

"But, uh, who did you say you were?" asked Weff looking rather flustered.

"Uh, Vinc-," Vincent was cut off by a loud roar behind him. Shocked, he turned around.

Pulling up into the driveway in a yellow Lamborghini was Jeff.

Weff looked even more confused, but then an expression of realization dawned upon his face. "I thought you hadn't reached your midlife crisis yet, but now I can set the next three phases to make your life miserable in action. Come in, come in. Both of you."

A still baffled Vincent and an angry Jeff stepped into Weff's mansion. Neither of them was prepared for what they saw inside. After they had stepped through the Care Bear themed foyer, the weaponry closet, the roller disco rink and the bowling alley, they saw Vash, sitting in a birdcage in the movie theatre, eating kettle corn and sobbing, while watching Bambi.

"Bambi was such a good little fawn, he didn't deserve to have his mother taken away from him. Where are my Kleenexes?"

Now it was Jeff's turn to look confused.


(writer's note: This was done without caps lock)

"W-wha? Now h-hold on a minute, buddy! L-let's just ca-alm down and t-hink about this for a minu-te!" Vash stuttered as he was tossed from side to side in the birdcage.

"A-HEM." This came from the dark, figure in the corner emanating an aura which screamed 'emo-king', "The note you sent said you were holding a friend of mine hostage. Tell me, where is she? Where is Lauren?"

"Uh… what?" started Weff. "I don't know who you're talking about."

"I asked you a question, and I expect you to answer it."

"I don't know any Laurens… well I did, but she met her end after she challenged my ninja servants to a duel…"

"So she's dead?!"

"Not quite…"

"But you just said that 'she met her end.' How can she not be dead?" But Vincent's question was soon answered when the ghost of a certain somebody materialized next to him.

"HOLY CRAP!! Yaaaaaaaaay!" screamed a translucent Lauren as she attempted to glomp Vincent, only to fall through him and crash to the floor. "Owwwww…"

Vincent, whose aura was growing even more depressing (if possible), hung his head in shame as he said, "I'm sorry. I came too late…"

"Nooo! Don't be sad! This is actually fun! I can fly and walk through walls and spy on bishies!"

"So… you're not mad?"

"Of course not!! If I was mad, I'd probably fling really heavy things at you! I can do that too 'cuz I'm a ghost!"

Just then, Vash screamed, "AHHH!!!! A GHOST!!! We're all going to dieeee!!!!"

"A ghost!?" said a suddenly visible Danny Phantom from across the room. "I'll take care of this with my Fenton Thermos!"

"What? I didn't do anything!" replied Lauren as she flew around the room, being chased by a super smexy ghost kid.

"Nice going, Vash. Now Lauren's gonna die for sure, and Vincent's life will be even more miserable. Your really good at ruining things, you know that?" Jeff yelled at Vash. Though, all the yelling went to waste since Vash was fast asleep.

Meanwhile, Vincent, realizing that there's no way he can save Lauren, began to lose hope when suddenly Monica, Katherine, and Erin materialized next to him!

"Wh-Who are you?" stuttered Vincent.

"I'm Monica!"

"I'm Katherine!"

"I'm Erin! And we're…"

"The Powerpuff Girls!!!"

"Hang on... so you're all ghosts?" Jeff inquired confusedly.

"Yup! We were walking in when some JERK FACE in a midlife-crisis car ran us over!" Said Katherine.

"GOSH! JUST BE QUIET, ALL OF YOU! I CAN'T HEAR THE DIALOGUE!" Vash sobbed into a Kleenex as Bambi pranced across the screen.

"Oh, sorry..." Replied Erin. "Hey, Monica! Where'd you get all that Chinese takeout?"

"You wouldn't believe! There's a fridge tied to a forklift over there filled with this stuff!"

"AAAAHH! My fridge!" Jeff raced over to the forklift, only to be stopped by Weff.

"Not so fast, brother. Thus far, I have managed to keep you from eating breakfast. And now that I have you right whe—"

"BREAKFAST?!? IT'S 4:00 PM!"

Suddenly, a flash of blue light lit up the room as everyone present was sucked into the Fenton Thermos.

"Where the heck are we?" inquired Lauren politely.

"Well, Lauren, judging from the laser beam coming from Danny's corner of the room, we are inside of the Fenton Thermos," explained Monica.

Then, there was a chorus of gasping coming from the other side of the thermos.

"Omigod! They're suffocating!" cried Erin. "Wait, why aren't we suffocating?" she asked more calmly.

"Because we're already dead. We don't breathe." Katherine said, rather annoyed with Erin's ignorance.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! VINCENT! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Lauren's screams echoed through the thermos.

"I'm sorry, my love. I can't go on," Vincent gasped. His eyelids started to droop, and his breath stopped.

Meanwhile, Erin and Monica observed Jeff and Weff duking it out on their knees, while finishing Vash's popcorn. Weff landed a punch right to the mouth, while Jeff managed a kick to the crotch. They fell simultaneously to the ground.

"Awww… they died as brothers," Monica cooed. Then, she wondered, "Where did Vash go?"

Vash was, coincidentally, writhing on the ground next to her. "Bambi," he croaked out, "I'll say hi to your mother." Then with a loud bonk, his head hit the ground.

"Oh, he was kind of a cool guy. I might miss him a bit," Katherine said. Lauren nodded her head in agreement. "Now," Katherine continued, "how do we get out of here?"

A/N: Another one of those silly collaborations. Miscellaneous videogame and/or tv show characters belong to their creators. Review. Flames will be spell checked and sent back, and if you send them anonymously, your a coward with no self esteem XD