Bloody Murder!

Characters Joseph 'Joe' Worthington- a middle class pencil pusher. He is very paranoid and equally clumsy. He hates Jonathan and is extremely devoted to Mary.

Mary Lynn Worthington- Joe's wife, very down to earth and rational. She is logical, polite and inexplicitly tolerates

Joe.Jonathan L. Poorman- Very wealthy, and well to do. He is polite, well meaning, generous, basically a proper Englishman. He works in the same building as Joe.

ACT I
SCENE I

At the Worthington house, we see the front door and living room with attached kitchen. There is also a stair way in the back. Mary is sitting on the couch, reading a romance novel.

Mary: Reading from her book 'He wrapped his arms around her and spoke sweetly in her ear, "Esmeralda, as long and there is a breath in my body and blood in my veins I will be with you." She moved close and let there lips touch.' She lowers the book Oh, how I wish that was me. But unfortunately, I got stuck with- There is a loud thud at the door, as if somebody has just ran into it. him.
Enter Joe, staggering with a large paper shopping bag

Mary: To the audience My husband, Joseph Worthington, King of klutziness, President of paranoia, Duke of-

Joe Mary? Who are you talking to?

Mary Somewhat sarcastically No one, Joe. Noticing his bag Now, what fool thing did you get this time?

Joe: With a sadistic grin He-heh, this is what I'm going use to finally do him in.

Mary: This is about that Poorman guy again, isn't it?

Joe: He called me a failure, Mary!

Mary: Joe, you do hundreds of useless things for useless people in a useless company all day long, if that's not being a failure, I don't
know what is.

Joe: It's the principal of the thing! I will not be publicly humiliated!

Mary: Why not? You get privately humiliated all the time.

Joe: Does not respond but gives his wife an evil glare

Mary: Reaching into his bag So, how exactly do you plan to exact your revenge?

Joe: Swelling with pride I'm going to poison him!

Mary: Pulls a bottle of shampoo out and you're going to do it with your cheep shampoo? Well honey it smells bad but I don't think it'll quite get the job done.

Joe: Well, I had to buy some other things so it didn't seem suspicious, and I was out of shampoo anyway and when I use yours my head just gets all-

Mary: Get on with it.

Joe: I'm going to use Looks around in the bag clumsily uh, hang on a minute. It's in here; I know it, uh- ah-hah! THIS! He dramatically holds out a small bottle of a clearly lethal substance I've invited his to dinner tomorrow, and when he least expects it, I'll slip a little of this on his plate and BAM! He's down.

Mary: Uh-huh, and how are you going to explain how he dropped dead at our dinner table?

Joe: That's the beauty of it, we take the body, throw it over the bridge into the river and if anybody asks us we just say he never showed up for dinner!

Mary: I stand corrected, you're not a failure; you're a nut job!

Joe: Looking sheepish But, Mary-

Mary: Don't you 'But Mary' me! We haven't had anyone over for dinner in three years! And I will not have you ruin my one chance at making a decent meal for a decent person with your insane, homicidal tendencies!

Joe: But, I already have the poison.

Mary: Joseph Worthington! If you even think about harming that nice Mr. Poorman, you will regret it!

Joe: uh- but I-

Mary: Joseph!

Joe: Uh, y-yes, Honey.

Mary: Good, She picks up her romance novel now I'm going to take a shower, and when I get back you better have gotten rid of that poison.

Ext. Mary
Joe moves over to the trash can, about to drop the bottle in, but stops himself

Joe: What am I doing? Will I be denied my right to revenge?

He walks over to a radio and turns it on; a tinny, patriotic tune plays

Joe: Why, isn't revenge the basis on which this great nation was built? Was it not the Founding Fathers plan to get back at the British for thinking they were failures? Will a man, in this day and age be controlled in matters of honor and principal by a woman? No! I, Jonathan Worthington, do hereby swear, with this poison as my witness, that I will exact my vengeance, and I will show my wife who wears the pants in this house! He pauses a moment in a dramatic and heroic pose Even though she does sometimes wear pants, I guess. I-in fact I think she was just wearing some now. I really should pay more attention to these things. I guess what I mean to say is-

Joe is interrupted as the music becomes distorted, making it clear that the radio is eating the tape. Joe quickly tries to fix it, looking helpless as the lights dim and the curtain closes.