Most amazing show ever. Everyone dressed up like gangsters and rappers, everyone dancing and singing and having an amazing time. I love music so much. It was incredible.

But I have to admit, the whole time I was just thinking of Chris, thinking that I wish I could sing these songs to him, kiss him in the crowd, hold his hand, jump on his back, let everyone know that he is mine. I wish he was mine, but he is not.

He lifted me up on his shoulders and I was on top of the world.

I feel terrible because I think Kevin likes me and I do not like him and I do not think I will. He's just a friend and I hope he can understand that I love Chris.

I do love Chris and I can't explain it. I know I wasn't with him for long, but I do, I do, I love him. I can't explain why. I just do.

In the beginning, I was thinking that something between Chris and me would happen if we were drunk together. But we weren't together too much. So as I was laying on the couch with Taylor, sobered up, waiting for sleep to come, drunk Chris comes stumbling in, saying that he wants to talk to me. I abandoned the warmth and safety of the couch with Taylor and went to the dark corner with Chris. We sat together and talked, and well into the conversation I could tell he had sobered up. We talked with foreheads touching, so close, noses touching. Talked about how I made him jealous by talking to Kevin. About how he loves Joyce and doesn't think that I love him. About how he misses me and I miss him. We were sober, and he lifted my chin up with his fingers.

"I'm going to do this once and only once." And he kissed me. I let him.

Chris kissed me, and he was sober. I was sober, and let him kiss me. We held hands, sat together, cried together, kissed, layed together. And it made me realize how much I love him. I really do, and I miss him and it aches.

"I care about you a lot."
Not enough.

Not enough to want to be with me. Not enough to choose me over Joyce. Just not enough.

I did not want to sleep because I knew that once we fell asleep, I would not be able to kiss him again. He pulled me so close, kissed me so hard, held me so tight, pressed his body against mine so hard. How could I say no? How do you say no to the person you love? I can't. Can't say no.

I drifted in and out of consciousness for hours. From 6:30am to 10:00am. I was freezing. Pressing myself onto Chris to keep warm, pulling his arms over my waist, putting my hands under his shirt, begging for his warmth. Begging for his love, his touch, his kiss.

I noticed Kevin awake around 8:00. He was standing up and I was sure he saaw me with Chris and I wonder what he thought. I wonder what everyone though. I love Chris and I do not care what people think.

His lips, his touch, his kiss, his warmth, his words, his eyes, they all haunt me. I can't get him out of my head. He is everywhere.

I remember his words from last night and they haunt me, won't leave my head. They swirl around my thoughts all day, all the time. I over-analyze their meaning, repeat the sentences over and over again.

"I want you. Want your toes to curl, want your muscles to tighten. I miss it. Miss you."
..."Button up."