my apologies

i could bleed my apologies,
and even carve it into my arm.
but all of those would be unworthy,
almost as unworthy as i felt as i was
sitting in your living room, crying.

words have never been so hard to say
yet again, things have never been so easy.
i had always been afraid that i could never do
this – yet there i was and there you were,
and memories flooded my mind, bringing
back more than just scars, blood, and tears
but these memories were happy, exuberant,
and i wanted nothing to disappear.

this was the moment –
i let everything inside of me out.

my apologies seemed to mean nothing
(but i held onto them for my own sake —)
everything was as surreal as if it were a dream.
my scars weren't burning but everything was
hurting inside. now i wish i could take back
some of the things i said – we were wrong on
both parts and yet, we never knew.

i never knew that tears could fall so fast.
i never knew that words could mean so much.
i never knew that i could cause so much pain.
and now i feel as if there are no words to say.

"thank you," i said as i stood at your door.
"we'll work this out," you murmured,
as i blinked back oncoming tears.

(and i felt my heart breaking, freeing itself
from pain and words held in for so long.
and it was if i finally understood that this
was bound to happen one way or another.)

i swear, i have never been so happy
in these last two years of my life.

there could never be enough thank you's.
there could never be enough i'm sorry's.
but i know that this has been enough –
this bleeding, crying, vomiting of imperfections.

(a part of me still thinks this is a dream.)

you said you forgave me long ago
and i feel so unworthy to accept it.

thank you in many unmentionable ways.


author's note:i think things are better -- but all these feelings inside me will not rest. and these thoughts ... these thoughts are so empty.