Pants on Fire

The Giant Robot That Couldn't

Dante began thinking on the primary threats. In order to start off, it might be good to go after the most public faces of his foes. The DIPS and INSANE were more secretive organizations, and not easily smeared. Most people in the USA didn't have any idea about DIPS, save the "Tin Foil Hat and Black Helicopter Conspiracy" demographic. And most people didn't care about INSANE, since the average American cared more on sports than science. With even more American college students dropping out of engineering and science to become fine arts majors, INSANE would be weakened in the long term. Accelerating the engineering and science drop out rate would certainly help that.

But, for the mean time, EMO was the primary goal. Both INSANE and DIPS were both shady cabals of black-project loving technocrats who shunned attention. EMO was desperate for it, and the amount of newspaper articles every week devoted to covering EMO pilot drama each week would make celebrities jealous. He needed some what to humiliate the EMO kids and their giant, angst-powered robots. And in any military field, nothing attracted public shock like civilian casualties.

To make a long story short, he needed a giant monster that would make the EMO kids start whining and cutting themselves with frustration. Perhaps even make a few broadcasts to their EMA units that would really shake what little self-confidence they had. Dante knew he would have to ask the Boss to bring out one of the big guns: Astaroth, one of the Demon Lords himself. Thankfully, EMO often mistook demonic entities for aliens, genetically engineered mutants, or even angels. To ensure EMO did not realize what Astaroth truly was, the Boss would give Astaroth a few extra tentacles for the mission. (Dante could not help but snickering at how Mary Sue, the female EMO kid, would react to them.)

Being a servant of Dark Powers meant he could use many of their toys. One such item was the Voyeur's Eye, the pickled eye of a pervert enchanted with dark magic. By looking through it, he could spy just about everything in the world. Dante looked on his computer to find a video file with Hillary and Dick in it, and prepared to email it to the EMO kids' MySpace profiles when the timing was right. With everything ready, Dante gave the signal to the Boss and looked through the Voyeur's Eye.

A giant portal appeared in the suburbs of Washington, DC. Astaroth came through, in his two hundred foot tall form. He had the standard pointy tail, cloven hooves, and horns, but also had tentacles instead of arms, and a giant cheap plastic Cthulhu mask on. "Roar. I'm a mutant tentacle monster from another dimension," the Demon Lord said in a monotone voice. "I will feast upon the entrails of your existence…er..stomp you. Gr."

Seeing a grown Demon acting like a B-movie monster was always priceless. Especially since he had to use words that people only people under twelve knew, given the state of the EMO kids' idiocy. Dante then switched to EMO headquarters, a hidden base under a generic suburban high school. Gary Stu got into his red EMA, Mary Sue got into her pink one, and Kenji To got into his yellow samurai EMA. The robots, all two hundred feet tall as well, stood in the schoolyard and did a dramatic pose. "EMO SQUAD GO!" all three yelled over their radios at once.

Now was when the fun started. Astaroth stomped around a block of McMansions, crushing green lawns, lawyers, minivans, dogs, children, and SUVs as he snickered in an extremely lame tone of voice. "Mwuhaha. I am destroying innocent people. No one can stop me."

"We're gonna stop you, squid head!" Gary Stu taunted. "Omnilaser 5000 Blitzkrieg!"

With that, a red light gathered around the red EMA unit, and the arm-mounted massive cannon began to gather energy. Astaroth knew from watching anime that the EMO kids always shouted the names of their attacks before they did them. Astaroth shot a beam of pentragram-shaped energy at the EMA unit, knocking it down as it charged. "Honorable Samurai Slicing Gale Sword Cut!" yelled Kenji To from the yellow samurai EMA. The Japanese stereotype and his robot rocketed towards Astaroth, with giant katana raised high. Why someone would mount a sword, rather than a tactical missile launcher or artillery cannon, on a giant robot was beyond him. Astaroth simply stepped out of the way, and pulled a set of high-tension power lines tighter. The robot tripped, causing the Japanese EMA to fall to the ground face first. Normally, the Japanese education system was efficient at weeding out emo kids. As a result, they had the highest suicide rate, as well as much less fine arts majors and more scientists and engineers. This guy, however, obviously was some Japanese stereotype made incarnate somehow. And he was down for the count. If instinct served, he was good as dead now anyway.

"I have dishonored my samurai ancestors!" Kenji yelled over the EMA's radio. The robot then kneeled into seiza position, and rammed the oversized katana into the cockpit and stomach. Like a true, inaccurate racist Japanese stereotype, he committed giant-robot seppuku. All that was left standing was Mary Sue in her pink robot. Like the stereotypical characters she embodied, she began to whine. "Magic Flower Blossom Magic Storm!" she cried as her magic rod gathered pink energy.

Astaroth knew he had to act fast. Using his tentacles, he rammed them into the robot's cockpit. Now was when watching all that hentai came in handy. After having his way with the dumb blonde, he threw the robot and pilot aside and vanished. Upon seeing this, Dante sent the email. The two remaining EMO kids stopped in the middle of the battle to check the messages on their MySpaces.

They say a video file that Dante had so carefully saved for later. Hillary Faulker and Dick Zucker were talking in Congress. "EMO is the biggest waste of taxpayer money in history!" Hillary complained.

"Even more than that party we had last night with the booze, hookers, and crack, paid for by taxpayers?" Dick asked.

"Yes, even more than that!" Hillary replied.

After that, both remaining giant robots started to cut themselves with giant knives. Crying was heard over the speakers inside the robots, deafening the survivors for miles around. Oil began leaking out of the robots' arms, which mixed with the sparks from the cut wiring. This created giant balls of fire on the ground, burning entire blocks. It was a few more hours until the robots ran out of fuel.

Because Astaroth's tentacle slime was flammable, Mary Sue's robot also burst into flames and roasted the pilot alive. The only EMO kid left was Gary Stu. A few hours later, a military officer was yelling at him. "You little maggot! Are you aware you just killed at least a thousand civilians, and let several hundred more die?!" the officer yelled.

"I'm so deep, sometimes I loose myself in thought!" Gary Stu said to himself as he wrote more poems. "I ever mention how deep I was?"

"You're in deep shit now, creep!" the officer shouted. "We're going to try you for war crimes, criminal negligence, misuse of expensive military hardware, several thousand counts of manslaughter, and that's just the first set of charges!"

"I'm writing to express my loss in the soulless sea of mindless consumption," Stu whined. "I wish I was dead!"

"You'll wish you were!" the officer's face turned towards anger, and Dante knew the EMO kid would get his wish.

While it was a great way to remove a threat, Hillary and Dick still passed the bill to expand the EMO program. It would pass, of course. The defense contractors were also large customers of his. These three EMO kids would be recast by the media as martyrs defending their nation and failing due to heartless government and military types. In other words, it would be a perfect excuse to purge DIPS, military realists, and any remaining honest politicians. Both Dubya and Bill had missed quite a few, after all.

(secularist need for souls, dick faulker, telsa seabase 'so my fire, lightning, and fried circuits cannot escape/water on fire', EMO seppuku, FART- silent but deady, Japanese school system)