Pants on Fire

Men in Black and Blue

Dante knew there was two threats remaining. DIPS and INSANE were both trying to take the souls and budget from the Boss. Why the secularists in INSANE would need souls, he had no idea. Even the intel he received had no idea. Since they were not technically affiliated with the US government, he'd worry about them later. For now, it might be best to defend his home turf, inside DC's halls of power. And that meant removing DIPS, or weakening them. With the EMO kids now martyrs to his cause, and their soon to be named successors in his pawns' pockets, DIPS remained the bureaucracy to hopefully purge.

Using the Voyeur's Eye, Dante took a look at two DIPS agents, stereotypical men in black. It was late at night on a country road in Alabama. Two men in black suits and sunglasses (despite it being night) walked towards a remote trailer home. Next to the trailer was a pickup truck supported on cinderblocks with a Confederate flag on the rusted hood. An empty gun rack was on the back of the cabin. In short, it was the standard sort of person that fell for the Religious Right propaganda hook, line, and sinker. In other words, the average hick in the Bible Belt who thought the Civil War never ended.

The two agents had no identifying marks or badges, in traditional MiB fashion. Men-in-Black did take almost religious care of their suits, however. Many times, they were ignorant of the differences between a demonic and alien entity (especially when Elder Ones got involved). So, they were reliant on an inside agency, the Zemu Action Party. ZAP would often use everything from psychics to New Age crystal healing to curious items stolen from the Church of Scientology. The leader of ZAP was a mind control satellite fan known as Doctor David Quatermass.

A stereotypical redneck with overalls, straw in his mouth, and a rusty shotgun answered the door. One agent asked "Is Bubba Clemens here?" The hick started to sweat. "Darn! It's dem Feds! Mary-Jo, hide da moonshine!" he ordered his wife. "An' Cletus, hide da white hoods!"

"Please, sir, we only wish to discuss your Elvis in a UFO photograph," one MiB said. "We understand you've some friends of yours…"

"Nah, Ah jus' made it up! Ah glued a picture of Elvis to a paper plate, an' den Ah dangled it from a fishin' pole and took a photo of it. Ah sold it for a thousand bucks on e-Bay!" Bubba said. "Ya'd never believe people by that crap! Hell, I made a fortune sellin' parts to a "pickup truck owned by Elvis" online, and dey actually believe dat load a' crap!"

"Sir, you seem fairly clever for your normal demographic," one MiB said. "But we know you have come into contact with an extraterrestrial life form, and we must erase your memory."

"Ah said it wuz justa phoney picture," Bubba answered. "Ah think ya got the wrong guy."

"Do you by chance drink bottled water?" the other MiB asked.

"Nah, dat crap has plastic chemicals floatin' inside it from dat dare bottling' machine thingymabob," Bubba answered. "An' a study confirmed dat tap water was better for ya!"

"Darn! He's fired out since our fluoridation of tap water wasn't working for mind control!" one MiB panicked. "So he discerned bottled water is the means we addict people with and rake in lots of money, and doesn't drink it! We must erase his memory now!"

"Huh?" Bubba asked. "Are ya' drunk or sum-thin?"

"Shit! Erase his memory, now!" the other MiB said. "We must tell ZAP about this security breech."

Both tightened their sunglasses, and pulled out a small cylindrical object. It was a hypodermic needle. After jabbing it into Bubba's neck, the two agents ran away. When Bubba came to, he saw they had dropped a half used syringe labeled "moonshine." Not knowing what had just happened, he picked it up, drank it, and went back to making fake UFO photos for the local tabloids.

Dante then began to consider how to take them down. Perhaps he could have a witness that didn't have their memory wiped as easily? Then, they'd call in the press, and all the cover-ups in the world wouldn't stop the New Agers and tabloids from handling the DIPS members themselves. He also made a list of all the black helicopter landing sites (they had been leased from the DEA, anyways). Even the much-vaunted mind control satellites could be avoided through wearing aluminum foil hats. They themselves mentioned the fluoridation of drinking water was inefficient. The bottled water, though, should be easy enough to subvert. After all, the stuff was actually just an MiB in his backyard with a bottling machine, garden hose, and vat of mind control drugs.

He should make his own brand of drug-filled bottled water. It produced waste like nothing else (never mind people could just refill a water bottle at any sink or water fountain), costed money, and was worse than tap water (strangely enough). He could see it now: Hellspring Water: Devilishly Tasty. The joke was it was the Boss's urine mixed with mind control drugs. Of course, there was no springs in hell. Just like how the "Quatermass Water" was bottled in a backyard in New Jersey. All Dante would need was to crush their bottled water economically (perhaps even pay some politicians to claim it was unsafe), and then their primary source of income would be cut off.

Then, he'd drain what resources they had left by having the tabloids post pictures of fake UFOs all across the country. DIPS would be forced to investigate all of them. Since they were a black ops government division, they couldn't siphon too much from the "legitimate" budget without being noticed. The plan, Dante reasoned, was quite simple. And within a week, DIPS had been crushed.