As long as you don't think about it, then you can avoid feeling and as long as you can avoid feeling then this all becomes a little easier, but not so much so that it becomes bearable.
Ok, so what I do isn't something to be proud of. The way I see it though, is we all at some point or another do something that is looked down upon in order to get by. This just happens to be really looked down upon.
I am a prostitute.
There I said it.
Yes, I am one of those girls you see pacing downtown. In too short skirts wearing too high heels, we smoke countless cigarettes and lean into car windows before climbing in the back headed God-knows-where with God-knows-who.
Every time I think I've seen all the possibilities of kinds of guys who would request my "services" someone even stranger and unlikely comes my way. There have been fathers, grand-fathers, married men, highschoolers, teachers, artists, doctors, lawyers, cops and your typical creepy guys. You name the kind of guy and I've done him and his brother. To be honest I'm probably one of the busiest prostitutes on a 10 block radius. Wow there's something to be proud of, something to put on my "Life's Greatest Accomplishments" list. Oh God I better not become a mother.
"So mom, what was your first job?"
"Oh you know honey, I was a prostitute."
Ugh, prostitute. That's such a dirty word, so fitting but not at the same time. I'll admit it that even now when I think of a prostitute, I don't think of myself. I think of some girl who was raped by her drug addicted daddy when she was 5 who now has a habit and a kid of her own. Or at least she thinks she has a kid, she's so high all the time that she can't remember. Hell she can't even remember the difference between yesterday and today.
That's when you know you've gone too far; when you can't distinguish the difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Maybe ever becoming a prostitute was going too far. Maybe even ever considering becoming one was going too far. That's probably when the warning flags should've gone up, but obviously they didn't.
Anyways, so you're probably wondering how I ended up here in the first place. That why on earth would I ever consider having sex for money. Well it was a one time thing. See I'll give you the quick version of my life and how it all came to this.
So about three years ago daddy split with his mistress and I haven't heard from him since, then last year mommy met this real winner named Jack. Yeah he's a great guy who's been off his meds to long and believes in the way of John Lennon. You know the type, your basic nutcase hippie with a crazy dream and no sense of reality. He got my mom into the lifestyle too. Then they had this brilliant idea of moving to New York and starting a new, better life. Yeah that idea hit them on Wednesday and by Thursday they were gone . . . without me. I came back from school and all their clothes were gone and there was a note on the table. "Moved to New York with Jack, there's dinner in the fridge. Love Mom!"
Ha! I love how she wrote it like she was only going out to dinner with the guy, you know, not like she was moving across the fucking country!
So I needed some quick money so I could ge my feet on the ground and figure things out and what I was supposed to do. Who knows where I got this brilliant idea, but I figured I would sleep with that guy who was constantly propositioning me down at the park, then I would have cash and never have to look back. Well one time turned into a full blown career. I'm making more money then I ever dreamed of, and aside from my emotional well being having gone to hell, everything else is pretty good. Even though I'm pretty sure I have more STD's then the dictionary lists, but what did you expect? I'm a fucking prostitute.
God saying that word still feels foreign on my tongue, regardless of how many times I say it. Like I said the word is just so dirty, which is so fitting to how I feel.
See the thing with sleeping with guys for money, is that the emotional part never gets easier. I wish it did, and I could become numb to it, but it doesn't and I can't. No matter how many times I've slept with a guy for money I still feel completely and utterly filthy afterwards. Dirty is how I feel on a good day.
When I first started I used to spend hours afterwards in the shower until the water turned icy and my skin was raw from washing. Fuck, I'm so dirty I'll never get clean, no matter how much I wash. This dirtiness is like a tattoo, below my skin where I can't get it and it won't go away on its own. Now I just take a quick shower and just deal with how dirty I feel. No point in running up the water bill on something that won't go away.
You're probably wondering why I haven't stopped and just got a regular job. But fuck, this is like an addiction. In one night I can make more money then you would make in two weeks. It's kind of hard to make that much money and then go work at some coffee shop making minimum wage. I know it sounds crazy and not even logical, but I can't explain it. I just know that if giving up was as easy as it sounds I would've down it by now. Fuck I'm not proud of what I do, but like I said, we all do shameful things to get by. Mine just happens to be sleeping with your husband for cash.