In the Beginning...

AN- I'm Catholic and love it, but sometime I need to let off a little steam.

All was quiet at St. Stephen the Apostle and St. Mary Magdalene Catholic School. The nuns were dutifully praying in the chapel, Father Woodrow was cleaning up after daily mass, and all the boys and girls were in their classes. Everything was peaceful. Well, almost everything.

"Aaaaggggghhhhh! My blouse!"

"Sorry. I must've slipped."

"Slipped my ass! You bitch!"

The following fight would be remembered as the day Suzie Winthrop snapped. She launched herself at the girl who had spilled grape communion wine on her blouse an attempted to strangle her.

"Catherine Justice Lee, I will kill you!" she screeched.

"Why, Suzie," the other girl said while trying to hold Suzie off, "I didn't know you felt so strongly."

"You are the worst, most evil, terrible person in S&M!"

"That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me, but I have to say the award for S&M's biggest slut would have to go to you, dear Suzie."

Suzie would have actually strangled her if Sister Mary Margaret hadn't heard the commotion and broken them up just in time. "Suzie! Father Woody's office. Now! Catherine! You—"

"I know. Your office. Pronto."


"Catherine, why did you call Suzie a slut?" Sister Mary Margaret asked me.

"Commandment number six, 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

"Don't quote the Bible at me." Sister Mary Margaret sighed. "The Lord tests my patience with you." She massaged her forehead. "I know Suzie is a little difficult to get along with at times, but you need to learn to be gracious towards her.God has a higher calling for everyone— Suzie just needs to find hers yet."

"Well, maybe God wants her to be a hooker." I could see it now. Suzie on a street corner holding a sign reading 'I spread my legs for Jesus!' Sister Mary Margaret didn't find the humor in this at all, she was turning a rather lovely shade of purple. She took several deep breaths and said a quick Hail Mary to calm down.

"Why do you hate Suzie, Catherine? What has she done to you?"

"Why Sister Mary Margaret, I don't hate her at all," I said "I love my neighbor as myself." Three…two…one.

"You insufferable child! You have been nothing but trouble since you started at this school!" Ah yes, I remember that day.

"Good morning, sweet cherubs," Sister Mary Margaret said. "Are you all eager to learn about how much God loves you?"

"YEAH!" came the obligatory yell from the crowd of kindergarteners.

"That's wonderful! What questions do you have for old Sister Mary Margaret?"

I raised my hand. "Does God love you?" I asked. I was very tongue-in-cheek about it too. God, I make me proud.

"Yes…he does."

"If he loves you, than why did he make you fat?"

Those were the days…

Sister Mary Margaret sent me to Father Woody. Suzie was already slouched in her chair when I got in there. Father Woody wasn't. Suzie's skirt was riding up.

"Ready to give our dear Padre a show?" I said.

"Shut up!" she replied.

"Real witty. I'm pretty sure that skirt's about five inches short of regulation."

"It's the one the alter boys gave me."

"I see. And in return did you give them a lesson in adultery?" Suzie stood up to hit me just as Father Woody came in.

"Please, girls. Let us walk in peace with one another." He fixed his stern gaze on the both of us. Padre always makes me feel bad. He's such a nice guy, and all we do is make fun of him. Father Woody. He. He he. He he he. Ahem. "I'm ashamed of you. Your penance for your transgression will be to replace the old music books with new ones and share your lunch hour with Sister Mary Margaret and myself. Are you sorry about what you've done?" We nodded. "Then I will send you to class."

Outside his doors Suzie turned left, and I turned right. "What are you doing?" she asked. "We have Leviticus studies together. Brain dead much?"

"Ha ha. I'm going to watch the boys' gym class. See ya at lunch." Mmmm. The boys were playing basketball this quarter. Shirts vs. Skins.

Unfortunately, when I got to the gym, Curtis Chapman was benched with a sprained wrist. Tall. Blonde. Dreamy. Dated Suzie for a week in junior high. CONTAMINATED!

"Did you really knock Suzie Winthrop out?" he asked me.

"Yes," I said, rolling my eyes. "And then I got Pimple Peters to rape her." Pimple Peters: S&M's janitor who took the school's abbreviation to heart. His closets are not filled with cleaning supplies.

"I think I love you."

"Yes, and I think you smell like ass."

"B-but I just confessed my love for you!"

"…And you still smell like ass."

Catholic school: The boys are stupid, the girls are sluts, and me? I like to think Suzie is right. I'm the worst, most evil, terrible person in S&M.


AN- What do you think?