Note: This story contains brother-sister incest. If you do not approve of it, please don't read this story. Thank you.
Once, when you were still a baby, I went into your room. You were wailing in your crib, begging for attention. I picked you up and you looked at me with wide eyes and your wails softened into gentle coos. You looked so fragile… I held you, afraid you might break if I set you down. I stopped breathing so you wouldn't.
You still cry so easily. But I was always there to wipe your tears away. What will happen to you when I'm not?
I went to your funeral. You wouldn't have liked it. There were flowers everywhere and not many people came. It was just too sad.
I called your friends. They came.
I called my friends. They came.
I called Mom and Dad, but they said they couldn't come. They sent money to bury you. I wanted to cry. But I knew you wouldn't want me to, so I didn't. But it was hard not to.
One of my friends drove me home. But I can't really call it home anymore. I was only truly at home when I was in your arms, with your smiling face welcoming me back. The house felt so empty without you. My footsteps echoed endlessly in the halls. Shadows lurked everywhere. How come I never noticed the light you brought to a room? I needed a bath to wash off my sweat. I filled the tub up and crawled in, splashing water on my face. So that you couldn't tell. It's just water.
You've seen them, haven't you? Little shops with 'Psychic' written on the walls in glowing neon. I went into one once, before that night. The place smelled of fake smoke. Electric gizmos flickered in darkened dusty corners. A woman sat at a table in the center of the room. I asked if she could really tell the future. She said she could, for a price. I sighed and paid her.
What do you want to know? she asked.
Will I find true love?
You already have. A sad forbidden love. I pity you.
Will we have a happy ending?
You won't like the answer. No one does.
Tell me anyway.
She told me. And I didn't like it.
They gave me your things today, at school. A teacher came up to me and handed me your backpack. He offered his apologies, and I thanked him. The typical dance for the loved ones of the dearly departed. He left and I held your backpack. It was the last thing you'd ever held. I missed you.
I remembered back when we were in middle school. It was after school. I had one of my friends go get you; I was too scared to get up. I could have told her, but I wanted you. You always protected me. I wanted you to protect me from this. You burst into the classroom, sweating. You scared me, what's wrong? you asked. I looked down into my lap and you knew. You blushed and gave me your jacket and put it around my waist. You helped me up. Cramps sent pain throughout my entire body as you walked behind me. You took me home. You didn't tell our parents. You stole pads for me from Mom. I hated them because they wouldn't stay in place. You promised that we'd go to the store and get something better. When we went to the store, I was too embarrassed to buy them, so you paid for the tampons. You weren't embarrassed. I wanted to be brave like you. Then maybe I could've told you how I felt about you.
Remember the time I took you to that party at the beach? I was getting ready and you poked your head in my room. You asked where I was going. I told you a party. You asked if you could go. I looked at you and shrugged. Don't you have plans? You said you didn't, you wanted to go with me. I sighed and said sure, get dressed. You smiled and rushed off. I waited in the hall for you. You came out in a tank top and miniskirt, with a bikini on underneath. You look too good I said, and sent you back. You came back out in a t-shirt and jeans and pouting. I smiled and said, let's go. I drove us down to the beach, and you glared at me when you saw all the other girls in tank tops and miniskirts or less. You didn't talk to me for days afterwards. I never told you why I wanted you to change. I didn't want the other guys looking at you. I wanted to keep you safe. To keep you all to myself.
I skipped school. What was the point? A world without you is a world without meaning. I went to a hobby store and got some cloth and cotton. I started to make you. A doll of you. When I was done, I looked at it. Tears started to blur my vision, and I squeezed it, holding it close to me.
I had a date. I wore a long white dress and a thin gold necklace you'd bought for my birthday the year before. You were in your room. I walked to your door and knocked. I wanted you to see me. But you didn't answer the door. I figured you'd turned your music up too loud again and opened the door. You were lying on your bed, your scent drifting throughout the room. I read somewhere that girls aren't supposed to be attracted to the scents of their fathers or brothers. Did it make me weird then, that I loved to breathe in the smell of you? That my heart raced when I saw you? You blushed and threw the covers over yourself. Don't you knock? you asked angrily. I said I was sorry and turned around. I heard you sigh and when I turned around again, you had your pants on. But no shirt. What do you want? you asked, still sounding upset. I looked down at my feet. You sighed again, and lifted my chin up so you could look into my eyes. I'm sorry you said. What's up? I blushed and asked you how I looked, I had a date. You looked me up and down and told me I looked good. I smiled and said thanks, and left. But I heard you.
It was late summer, I think. I didn't know you were in there. Didn't I? I opened the door and you threw your towel around you and looked at me with those same wide eyes like when you were little, your wet hair sticking to your skin.
Did I ruin your life? Did my love cause you pain? Did my little intrusions like that make you love me? I can't bear the thought. Our sad, forbidden love… It was doomed from the start.
Can you forgive me?
You always called me little sister. Or sis. You never used my real name. I used to think maybe it was because you didn't like me. You didn't want to acknowledge my existence. But I know better now. It was your name for me. It was your way of showing your affection. By calling me something no one else could truthfully say. But I still wish I could have heard you say my real name.
I looked in your backpack. I found the letter you wrote to me. Did you know what would happen to you? Did you know when you made that promise to me?
Little Sister. The time I spent with you was more precious to me than anything. I couldn't ask for anything else as long as you were by my side. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. I loved you too much. But I tried.
Try not to think of you.
Try not to think.
Try not to.
When I was little, I remember following you everywhere. I never let you out of my sight if possible. I cried every time you had to leave my side. I begged you to take me with you. You never got mad, or embarrassed when I tagged along. I think if you could, you'd have taken me everywhere with you. You showed me off proudly, even when the other boys teased. And, even as we grew up, you never let anyone touch me. Except you. Maybe, because of that, I never looked at other boys. I tried, as I got older, but all I could think about was you.
Big brother… Did you end you life in peace? Did you die in pain? Were you afraid? I was so sure that this was all just a bad dream… Big brother, kill me with the pain you felt, with your final goodbye. Please…
Take me with you.
I had to. I had to go to your room when you weren't there. I had to touch you things. To smell your scent. I'm disgusting aren't I?
I'm telling you all this because I want you to be free. I don't want you to be tethered to your memories of me. More than anything I want you to be happy.
Little sister, my love. Even though I'm gone I'll still protect you. I'll always protect you. You were the only thing I ever had that was worth protecting.
The main thing though, is I'm sorry.
I love you Sarah.
I went back to school. They still teased me, but I didn't notice anymore. I wore your black shirt and your black pants with the chains dangling from the legs. I used your backpack. But I wanted you.
That guy came back. The pervert's not here to protect you anymore, he said, pinning me against a wall. I told him whatever, I didn't care anymore. Just finish it quick.
I walked to that place. I stared at the ground where you breathed your last. Someone had made a marker there, with flowers and candles and a picture of you. They'd made it almost a holy place. I stood in front of it and looked down at it, at you, with empty eyes. The whole world became you and me once more.
I didn't even hear the tires screech.
I laid on the ground as the black car sped away for a second time. I felt the pain you must have felt. Except you had me. I didn't have you and that made it almost unbearable. But I didn't blame you. I could never blame you. Everything you ever did was for me... I heard shouting far off, but I figured it didn't matter now. The world began to darken, except for a bright light. For a second, I thought I saw you in it, smiling at me. My arms felt heavy, but I reached up to it…