Don't expect this piece to be well written. I am a scientist; not a writer, as many of my grades or essays show. However I still have the feeling I have to get this off my chest.
I think I am Asexual.
Now many of you may be thinking a variety of things:
-What like an amoeba? I learnt about it in Biology-
Let me explain; an asexual human is one who does not sexually attracted to either gender. Think of it this way, if homosexuality is the opposite to heterosexuality then the opposite of bisexuality is….
Yep, you got it.
A lot of people would find this strange, not to mention surreal thing to say. Many would say I'm sad, pathetic for not feeling how everyone is supposed to feel about it. It being sex, and being normal means you want it all the time.
I'm nineteen as I write this, and I'll be twenty very soon. A lot of people would label me as a 'late bloomer' and eventually I'll find someone I'll wish to share such an experience with.
I hope they're right. I don't want to be asexual; like homosexuality, contrary to popular belief it is NOT a choice. No matter what you people say. Practicing celibacy is a choice; being asexual is not.
I look at it this way- everyone is born asexual, yes that's right they ARE. You can't deny it. That's just one of many things that annoy me about homophobic people, they say "No-one is born gay". Yeah, buddy that's true, but NO-ONE is born straight either. You don't have a sexual preference at all.
When you hit puberty you get introduced to the wonderful world of hormones (at least you're supposed to) and thus you may find yourself attracted to those of same or opposite gender (or both). Some people may even find their sexuality change later in life, perhaps even repressing themselves into being straight before finally coming out.
But I never really went through this- well I did sort of. My hormones flew around at ages 13/14 and I felt weird things for boys and girls (though I never acted on the girl impulse I must admit), it all stopped exceedingly quickly, not going beyond kissing and it became apparent: I just wasn't interested in either. I fooled myself until 16, telling myself I was normal and then gave up.
I tell you this though: even though society as it is find its hard to accept homosexuality entirely, and being that way is difficult, I'd rather be gay than what I suspect I am: asexual.
It can get lonely you know?
At least if you're gay, you have someone to hold your hand usually, your partner. To help you be strong in the face of homophobic idiots.
In asexuality you really have no-one like that. At least I see it that way.
I've told no-one this secret except one friend; she finds it hard to comprehend.
So do I. It's not any easier for me to understand either. I mean how can I be human and not have the desire to have sex?
I study Biology at university for goodness sake, and pretty much we have one purpose in life according to that: screw ourselves and have lots and lots of offspring, as much as possible.
I come from a Christian home, so that's basically what girls are expected to do to, oh they don't say it anymore but the pressure is still there: get married and have lots of children.
Funny how they have the same idea over such an issue yet seem to disagree over almost everything else. I can't find comfort in science or religion.
I don't deny that I want children, someday. But somehow adoption seems a more probable solution to that for me. Maybe even IVF.
I can just tell what my other friends would think if they knew. They'd think that I was what I think I am myself: defective. Not wholly human. They wouldn't say it, but they'd think it. They'd pity me, I don't want that.
Perhaps my lesbian friend would think I'm simply repressing homosexual feelings; but I'm not. I wish I was but I'm not.
I wish I was straight.
I wish I was gay.
I wish I was bloody SOMETHING other than this.
The ironical thing is, I'm a romantic at heart. It's insane isn't it? I believe there is someone out there for almost everyone…
Just not me, unless something happens to me soon, I half hope there isn't anyone for me; I'd hate to lead anyone on. It wouldn't be fair.
I'm not really attractive, nor am I attracted to anyone else. I don't understand the 'x factor' because I've never known anyone to have it in my own opinion.
A boy once had a crush on me at school, I even went to the sixth form dance with him (a British equivalent to the Prom). I didn't even kiss him. I'm annoyed at myself for even accepting the invitation even now. He probably got the wrong idea.
He was a great person, someone I'd love to be a friend to; but I could not fan tom having a stronger relationship with anyone at all.
If you're out there and still like me, please move one. Don't wait for me. I'm still waiting for myself in an odd way, there's no-one else, from reading this you may realize there may never be anyone else in that sense. Thanks for letting me have the opportunity to try and be normal though. I'm really sorry.
To anybody not heterosexual (though still in every sense 'sexual')out there: if you think being gay or bi is difficult because of our society (and I appreciate that it still is); try walking in my shoes, try being the freak of nature who doesn't want to have ANY kind of sex in a sex crazed world. Can you imagine being like that? At least you desire sex, it just may be with a gender a few assholes don't approve of but that most people (at least from my circles if you ignore the church) accept.
In some cases I bet you've done what I've done- lying to the people around you saying some guy/girl is "hot" in a magazine/billboard/whatever in order to hide who you are! But at least you have felt that way towards someone.
And I'm about to leave my teen years in the dust in September.
It terrifies me. I don't want to be alone; I'm not a complete loner. I like my space but I still want companionship like others.
I want to have someone to share my life with.
I want to have children.
But I don't want sex.
For that reason I am a freak. Not really human. A paramecium, like an amoeba.
I am incomplete; I am defective.
If you're not like this, I envy you.