i swear i'm a masochist

i fell in love with a boy who had calloused hands
and an easy alligator smile
there was something i liked about the impending train wreck
and there was something he liked about living in the moment

the days stretched on like the road to salvation,
and when the moon rose we would meet to exchange words and souls
but most often,
kisses and cold hands
there was always a restlessness in his eyes when we finished,
and there was always that frantic desperation in my voice
when i asked him to stay
just a little

lying among jagged blades of grass
and burning questions,
i traced the outline of his fingers on my stomach,
felt something rising between us,
like love
or a wall

in his car, i left the windows open to feel the breeze on my face
and he left them open to push me out
i fell in love with a boy who fell in lust with everyone,
who left my knees bruised and my hands empty
and i swear i'm a masochist because i kept crawling back for more
and in the end
surrounded by flames
he only left me cold