It's tormenting. It's painful. I need to listen to her wisdom. But I don't want to. I know that it won't last. I know it's probably not real. But I want it to be. I want to believe him. But is she right? Or is it the devil? God spoke one way and she tells me another…But she might be right…Maybe I heard the devil when I thought I heard God. But this shouldn't be complicated. It is a simple relationship…A little child's. So why do I feel like this is major? Like God is leading me one way or another? Maybe because this could change my life. I mean, what if I make a mistake. Or what if I fall? Or fail? Or have to crawl? That could be painfully embarrassing. But if I make a mistake big enough, I'll have to deal with it forever. And eternity is a long time. A very long time. And what if I lose my friends? Would it be I that left or they? Maybe they; maybe not though. Maybe it was me. And then if my other eternity ended, who would I have to turn to? Then once again, I would live inside my books and my life would be on pages waiting for people to turn. Like now. Because I am allowing myself to vent. Write my fears. Plainly. Bluntly. Not able to write elegantly like I used to. No longer eloquent. But real. True. Honest. Again, I'm writing in fear. And confusion. Who do I trust? God or the devil? I am sure that the answer is clear…But which person is God and which is the devil? And how do I know?