I sat there staring at the room, it had everything I needed. Everything he will need. I stared at the blue sheets as I touched them, they were soft, and I just knew he'll love them. I touched the little elephants that moved in circles above him, I wonder if he'll like elephants. I turned away from the bed and walked to the closet everything was in place, not one thing was out of order. I looked around the room and sighed as I find that I had nothing else to do. That I had everything and in any moment he could come and I'll be ready. Was I really ready? I didn't know I didn't know if I would be a good mother, if he will even like me as his mother? I know for sure that he will be great, he will grow up and be someone, I just know he will be. I could just feel it by the way he kicks, he wants out. he wants to be out here doing things and I know that I'll be there watching him, taking care of he, helping him become the great person he will be.
I took one last glance at the room and shut the door; I walked down the newly painted hall. I entered my room and walked toward the bed where a box was sitting. I opened it and sighed; I didn't know why my mother made this, I had told her it was a waste of money I told her I could have just taken them. She didn't listen she said it was my big day I shouldn't be taking pictures. Sure she was right I couldn't take the pictures when I had to be in them, but we didn't even need pictures we hardly even look at them which makes them a waste of money. I took the photo album out and placed in the book self top self. I threw the box empty box on the floor and looked at my new room. There were loots of windows with white thin curtains, the walls were a light shade of gray and the king bed sat in the middle of the far side wall. Since the curtains were so thin the sun lit up the whole room which gave it this special thing to it. Once we walked in here we loved it, we loved the way the sun hit the walls, that's way we kept it the same, it was just so beautiful.
I rubbed my stomach and left the room, I heard the front door close and decide to go down stairs and greet my lovely husband. As I walked down stairs I heard foot steps by the living room. Even thought this house was new I knew where everything was. I took the last step and headed that way, as I entered the room I saw him looking at the wedding picture my mother enlarged for us as a gift. I watched him, he looked different, he wasn't wearing that when he left this morning, and I don't even think he has a jacket like that. I started at him confused, this wasn't him, and he didn't wear his pants that close to his legs. His hand raised and began to touch the picture frame, he began to trace my face, now I knew it wasn't him, those weren't his hands.
"Evan?" I whispered even though I knew it wasn't him, the strangers hand dropped and he just stood there not moving and inch.
"Emma" he didn't turn around, I held my breath I knew that voice.
"Edward?" I whispered in a lower voice then before. I felt him begin to move as I said that name. My hand immediately covered my mouth as I gasped. It was him; he was here in my house…
Since that day he left I never saw him again till this day. I went to school with Evan, Studied with Evan, partied with Evan, did everything with Evan. It was like we were always together and we never wanted to be apart. We were in love; we are truly in love with each other. But every now and then I would wonder about him. I would be in my room reading a novel and my mind would just wonder off. I would be folding laundry and I'll stop to think about what he was doing. I would be lying on my bed imaging be there with him, laughing and just living. Then Evan would come and everything would go back, I wouldn't image, I wouldn't think, I wouldn't wonder, because I was already happy. There were times when I wished he wouldn't have left. Times I wished we would have ended up as friends and just forget about ever being together, but I knew that we could never forget, that we couldn't be friends. Even though I didn't want it to be like it was. We never spoke never ever wrote letters to each other, it was like he was never alive. I knew he was since I couldn't get him off my mind, it was like I tried to forget, but part of me didn't want to. He was part of my life he was alive he just doesn't want to be acknowledge.
I didn't ever think much about him it would just come up when I was alone when I tried to forget about him. I lived the whole College life until I got pregnant. The day I found out I was filled with joy, I couldn't wait to tell Evan. I knew he was going to excited and he was. When I ran to his Apartment and banged on the door, when I jumped on him and yelled it out he grinned and kissed. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and I did.
Our wedding was not small but not big. It was a friend and family kind of thing. It was out side this big garden, Rose petals in between the chairs, I knew a lot of weddings did that, had it out side that whole thing, but I didn't care. I always pictured it like that, just like that. There was a soft piano song playing as my bridesmaid walked down the aisle, Ally winked at me before she began to walk, the music changed into that hear comes the bride melody and I took a deep breath and began to walk. I looked at the people I saw a lot of friends a lot of family member that I just met the day before from my father's side, My mother was there we invited her I didn't think she was going to show but she did. She looked at me and smile then I saw it the empty chair. He wasn't coming, we mailed, well his mother mailed an invitation, we even saved a chair for him and he wasn't even going to show. I looked at Evan and he looked at the chair then at me, I knew he was sad about that. Then he smiled I took his hand and he whispered in my ear "This is our day"
We always felt guilty about him leaving. We knew it was our fault and we couldn't live with that. We hurt him and we didn't mean to, he was one of us. He was our family and we couldn't bare the fact that it was us who caused him to leave.
He stared at me his blue green eyes looked at me with intensity. It was like he was trying to remember me or trying to see if it was really me. His eyes began to soften as he stared at my face, then he smiled, he looked down at my body and frowned, but it was quickly as if he didn't want me to see it but I did.
"Hey" he said as he looked back at my face
"Hi" I said softly
"You look…wow" he said as he scratched his head.
"You look wow too" I said with a smile and he did, he looked so god like. His head was less messy then before, his skin was still pale, his lips still full, he looked just like he did five years ago but he was different, it was like he had more wisdom or something. He looked so similar but so different.
"Sorry I couldn't go" he said, I looked away from his lips to his eyes he was staring at me his green blue eyes send shivers down my body.
"Its okay" I replied he turned away and looked at the picture
"You looked beautiful, who knew Blond hair suited you so well" he said as he turned back to me.
"Thanks, Why couldn't you come anyways" I said as I lend on the side of the door way.
"I was to far way"
"Could have taken a plane" he smiled and shrugged.
"Maybe I just didn't want to be there"
It just began to show, I was sitting on my bed looking down at it. When he flashed in my head. His smile, his soft white skin, I pictured that day in my room the say we were going to finally be together in a way I never was with him, it would have been perfect if we weren't doom to be apart. We were meant to be together not like that. If we weren't having a bad relationship if he didn't have those glasses it would have been perfect. I sometimes wondered if we could have ever been together longer if it would have changed things. Would he have still worn them would he have kept cheating on me? Would I be pregnant with Evan's child at this very moment? I think not. I shook my head he was gone and I was happy, I was happy that I was with Evan that I was going to have a baby but I couldn't help but miss him to wish that I never hurt him.
"Hmm, so Where have you been for five years" I asked he sit down on a sofa and began to talk
"Oh you know here there. After I left I went to Los Vegas I lost a bit money there but that was the point right, going there. Then after that I went to Kansas then from there I went to more states till I got to New York I stayed there for a while but then went to England. From there I went to France, there I got a job I became a photographer for this big paper over there. I thought I would be happy there that I could make money buy a house and finally settle down and move on. I couldn't I worked there for one year when I decided to leave. I went to Germany and there I met a couple of nice people they let me stay in there house I got a job and I was once again content. I was there for two year when I finally realized that one of the girls I was living with was in love with me. I left"
"I didn't want to fall in love with anyone else. I was already in love"
I didn't know what to say so I stayed silent…
"Well after Germany I deiced to go to Ireland, I had a lot of money saved up so I bought a little house in this isolated land. There I was alone and content once again. One day I woke up from a dream, it was really weird" he paused
"What was it about" I whispered
"It was about you. We were in my room lying down on the bed like we always did. I was looking at you waiting for you to look at me but you never did. I wanted you to look at me to touch me so I began to talk to you. I asked about your life and you simply answered that you were happy and fine. I asked about Evan and you said the same thing. You spoke like you weren't really there like you were in another plant like the day you changed. I was scared I didn't know what to do what to ask. So I touched you and once my hand reached your hand your head just turned and you looked at me, eyes blaring and a frown on your face. All I wanted was for you to hold me, to touch me so I can feel that everything was going to be fine. Then as I was going to touch your face you spoke. What you said, what the dream you told me it made my heart beat faster then ever. You told me you needed me. That's when I knew that I had to come."
He stared at me waiting for me to say something, but I didn't. I just stood there wondering if I really did need him…
That day he left repeated over and over in my head since it happen. The door opening hiding my body with a shirt, running after him, not giving him a kiss when I had the chance. It could have been the last time I ever see him and I didn't kiss him. I regret it, not kissing him, until this day. I saw him, I see him and I don't regret kissing him because I have him right here.
"How's school" he asked out of the blue.
"I dropped out" I whispered.
I stay in school when I found out, I didn't want to quit just because I was having a baby. I had already finished my freshmen year. I was never planning on just leaving school, but I had to. As I began to grow I had more appointments for the baby, the professors I had were really strict. They didn't care if I was having a baby they didn't care if I had a test on an appointment day, if I wasn't there then I failed it. The day I began to show every one of them stared at me as if I was a disgrace, I hated the feeling I got every time they looked my way. Just two months ago I decide that it was for the best if I just leave. The baby was coming and I wouldn't have time to come to class so there was no point.
"Because of that" he said looking at my stomach.
"Yup" I answered as I rubbed
"Emma, why did this happen" I looked up at him and he wasn't looking at me he was still looking at the stomach as if he could make it disappear.
"Because I was in love" I answered
"Did you guys get married because of that?"
"He asked me to when
I told him"
"Did you ever think that he just asked because of it" he looked up at me and I stared back at him as I answered.
"No, he loves me he would never leave me" he didn't say anything I couldn't read him I couldn't tell what he was thinking; I couldn't find anything in his eyes.
"I love you" he said after a while.
"I could never fall in love. I went from girl to girl from county to country. All that because of you, I made love to them but thought about you. I wanted to be with you, but I knew that you didn't. After being with a girl let me correct myself women I would leave. I didn't want to stay more then a minute or two, I couldn't. I told you about the girl in Germany, well I slept with her everyday for two years. She was the closes thing I got until she told me she loved me. I didn't love her I love you and I will always love you only you." He had walked toward me since he began this girl confession.
"I had to" he said as he closed the distance between us.
"You could have stayed we could have been friends"
"Cant you see that I didn't want to be your friend I wanted you"
"You had me Edward and you blew it." I hissed
"I know I did, I know I ruined everything"
"Then why, why did you keep doing that why did you keep ruining our life together."
"I told you every time I saw you with him it killed me"
"This isn't complicated Emma, I knew all long that you loved him. They way you always got happy when he came back the way you were always sad when he left, it said it all. You loved him since the day you were born. Since that day he first slept with him. I saw the pain and hurt in your eyes, you didn't come back until he was back in your life." he yelled into my face.
"But I loved you too, couldn't you see that."
"You didn't love me the way you loved him all I could see was the love for him"
"I did, I did love you" I whispered we stared into our eyes; I was an open book he wasn't. I couldn't see anything.
"I know you did, but you don't now" he said backing away from me.
"I don't even know you anymore" I whispered.
"I just told you what has been going on for the past five years"
"That isn't you; you never use to do that. You could never stand to break a girl's heart. The first one you ever broke was mine"
"And I can't forgive myself for that, you think I liked breaking your heart"
"Then why break the other girl's heart"
"Because they mean nothing to me" he yelled as he got closer to me. His face was inches away from mine. I didn't know what to do he was getting anger he never ever got this angry before.
We stood there inches away from each others face for a long time. I could hear the clock tick; I could hear his heavy breathing get lighter and lighter.
"Did I tell you I was a writer?"
"No" I answered slowly
"Well I am, in Ireland I began to write, I got it published."
"What's it about"
"Us" he answered
"I brought you a copy" he said as he turned away and walked to his bag to get it out. He walked back to me with a black book in his hand. He handed it to me and I read the title, my hand tracing the words. You're the one I want
"It's supposes to be in your point of view, I tired to think about it as if I was you. I'm sure that some of it isn't what you really thought, but I tried my best. I didn't want to write it in my point of view, I wanted to stay a mystery" he said with a smile.
"What happens in the book?"
"Well it's mostly about our childhood in the beginning then it's about how we got older and fell in love. I did add the part of Evan; I had to it been a big part of our life. Then the rest is about us, about how it should have been."
"How does it end?"
"You'll have to read it" he said with a smirk
I nodded and stared at the black book with the golden words written on top I couldn't believe he wrote this, a book about us. I felt his hand on my chin I felt him lift it up so I could look at him and I did I stared into those eyes. Then I stood still as his lips touched mine. It was brief but it happened. He kissed me and I dropped the book. My arms wrapped themselves around his neck his around my big belly. If this was the last time I ever saw him I wasn't going to regret not ever kissing him. He pulled away and my arms dropped to my side. He smiled and began to hold my hand as he started to speak.
"I knew it; I knew you still loved me. Come, come away with me Emma" I stood there stun what did he just say.
"Come with me Emma, we can live in my house in Ireland. Please say you'll come" I didn't say anything I stared at him has his eyes just grew with excitement.
"Emma says yes" he begged
"No" I said slowly
"What" his excitement vanished and I could finally see something in those beautiful eyes… hurt.
"I said No"
"Why not" I pulled away my arms and walked around him half laughing.
"Why not! I'm Married Edward. I can't just leave"
"Yes you can"
"No I cant, I'm married and I'm going to have his baby"
"You can, I'll pretend its mine" he said walking toward me and trying to grab my hands.
"No, I won't go"
"Because I don't want to go" I yelled, then it happened … it happened to fast I didn't even see it coming. I just felt the pain as I fell to the floor. I looked up at him and he stood there staring at his hand, he had hit me. I felt the hot tears falling down my cheeks he bent down and touched me I flinched.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean it, I'm sorry" he whispered I just cried I felt pain in my hip and my face. He hit me so hard that I had fallen.
"I'm sorry" he whispered again as he touched the cheek he hit.
"What's going on" Edward stood up and turned around, I looked up and saw him.
"Edward?" he said
"Evan" Edward said back
"What's going on?"
"Nothing, I just came to visit"
"How did you find out where we live" I lay there wondering why I never asked that. Like I expect him to know exactly where we lived.
"Mom told me"
"Why is Emma on the floor" he said as he walked to me and helped me up.
"What the fuck did you do" he yelled to Edward as he saw my face.
"I hit her"
"I didn't mean to, it just happened"
"I said get out, you don't fucking come to my house and hit my wife"
"It was a mistake I didn't mean it"
"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean it, you hit her. Look at her face" he pushed Edward and Edward moved back.
"Sorry isn't going to cut it. Why the fuck did you even come here." Evan yelled
"I had to see her" Edward yelled back.
"You could have seen her in the wedding"
"Oh yeah sure when she's with you"
"She's with me now, why'd you come today"
"Guys" I whispered feeling scared they both turned to look at me and then the floor
"My water broke"
After that everything was a blur it was moving to fast. Evan yelled at Edward to get the bags in the closet Evan dragged me to the car Edward ran with bags in each arm. In the car Evan held my hand while Edward drove. Once we entered the nurses and Doctors took over. Evan was with me when she came. The doctors were wrong it wasn't a boy. We sat there holding our new baby girl when everything went bad.
No one knew it was coming. They rushed Evan out of the room nurse took the baby away, doctors rushed in and then after an hour they came out with there heads down. Something had gone wrong. Evan fell to the ground as they told him she was gone. I stood there holding my breath holding back my tears. She couldn't be gone. She was just here alive and giving life to this precious thing and now she's gone. That can't be true she can't just be gone.
Evan and I sat there as they left I didn't know what he was thinking what was going threw his head. I placed my hand on his shoulder he pushed it away. I couldn't cry I couldn't help him I was hurting to. I stood up and went to look at the window into the room where they kept them. She was so perfect her little eyes closed, little blond hairs on top of her head, her skin white as snow, she was the perfect size healthy, beautiful. She had Evans lips and her nose. I couldn't wait for her to open her eyes so I can see them.
"You know, we didn't know it was going to be a girl" Evan stood next to me I didn't even hear him move.
"They told us it was going to be a boy I guess they were wrong." He sighed wiping the tears from his cheek.
"What were you guys going to name him" I asked as I stared at her.
"Eden. What am I going to do now? She chose that name, now she's a girl and she's dead" he broke down I turned to him and hugged him he didn't push away.
"What am I going to do Edward? She wasn't supposed to die; she's too young to just die." He cried into my shoulder, I held my brother tight as I felt the tears come down.
"She'll want you to take care of her" I whispered
"I can't do that by myself"
"Yes you can"
"I can't give her a boy name" he said out of nowhere.
"Then give her a girl's name."
"I can't take that away from her she gave him the name."
"Let's give her a name and put Eden as her middle name." I said he turned and looked at the girl, I looked at her also she was just so peaceful looking. She didn't know what was going on she didn't know that her mother just died. As we watched her, her eyes slowly opened and them we saw them. Her eyes were a dark shade of blue and green more like a hazel green. Her eyes were mixed, they had his and hers. But how was it possible for us to see them clearly. Baby's eyes are always dark and gray when their born, but hers weren't.
"She's beautiful" I heard him say
"Yeah she is"
"What should her name be" Evan asked me
"Easter" I said as I looked at her
"I like that name"
"Easter Eden McHale" I said
Easter Eden McHale will always have to live with the fact that her mother died the day she was born. This was suppose to be a day I would always remember it was the day that I would see life but it wasn't just that I saw death. A death that never should have happened. I'll always remember this day because of that I gained and lost love. I will never forget the way I felt when she died I will never forget the way I felt when she opened her eyes.
"Uncle Edward why do we always have to come here"
"Ask your daddy" I answer this sweet and innocent girl.
"Daddy wont tell me" she pout
"Well Eden you know where mom is right" she nodded her head.
"Well her body is in the ground and we have to go give it flowers and talk to her" I whispered so Evan wouldn't hear
"But it's my birthday" she whispered back
"I know, and you already know why we come here every year on your birthday. Why are you making such a fuse about it?"
"Because uncle Davie was going to come play with me" I smiled as I watched her little cheeks get rosy.
"Well you can play with him later"
"What if he doesn't want to play?"
"He will" I answered as I turned forward and looked at Evan who was staring straight ahead taking turns and stopping the car when we reached our distention. He got out of the car and I took Easter out of her seat and into the grass. She ran after her father and held his hand as they both went up to the tree.
The day we buried her she was just a baby, our mother held her in her arms while Evan cried his heart out in front of everyone. He wouldn't let her go. Hold be hear holding there daughter how she should be hear holding there daughter. He was right she shouldn't have been gone but she was. I pulled him a way as they began to lower the casket. I held my brother as he fell to the ground. Her father sat there holding her mother, they should have been dead before her, but they weren't and that's how life was. There could never be a perfect story. A story with a happy ending. I pushed away from my brother and walked toward her and took out the book. I kissed the cover and dropped it into the hole. It landed with a thump. That was our happy ending that was they way it should have been. We were suppose to be together happy as clams. We were spouse to be living in a small quite town with two kids and a dog. We were suppose to be in love and in the end we die together in each others arm wondering if it will always be like this.
"Daddy do you think she can hear us" she said as I reached them.
"Yes Eden I know she can"
"Do you think she can see how pretty I am" she said with a sweet smile.
"Yes, she can always see you" he answered as he looked down at his five year old daughter.
"Daddy can I talk to her alone" she whispered he nodded and turned to me. We walked to the tree to the spot where we craved four E's. He touched them and smiled.
"Thanks for staying" he said.
"You didn't have to stay and help me after she died"
"I know but I wanted to" I answered.
"You think she'll turn out okay, that we're doing a good job"
"Yes I know she'll be great." I said as I smiled at the little girl who was rubbing the grass softly as if it was her she was touching.
"Daddy" she yelled
"Mommy says hi" she said with a huge Grin. I thought this was going to break him. That he was going to cry but he didn't he smiled and yelled back
"Tell her I love her and miss her" she nodded and turned away.
"Uncle she told me to tell you that she's sorry for breaking your heart" I froze then I heard him talk.
"I'm sorry too, for taking her from you" I turned to him then to her she was waiting.
"Tell her I love her" she nodded then turned away.
"Isn't she funny, I love how she thinks she can talk to her? Maybe she can I hope she can. It makes me feel better that she can talk to her as if she really was there.
"Uncle Edward" I turned around
"She said she loved the book" I looked back at Evan and he looked at me.
"It's sort of creepy don't you think" he smiled and laugh. Eden came running toward us.
"You ready to go have fun" I asked
"Yeah, Can Davie come with us to Disneyland"
"He sure can" Evan answered
"Yay" she yelled as she ran to the car.
"So you leaving" he asked as we walked toward the car.
I had been afford a job in New York. I had told Evan about it. To see if he could help me but he told me I had to decide. I had to tell them by tomorrow which meant that I was going to leave. I can't do that, I can't just leave them I cant leave him or her and I can't be more then 10 miles away from her grave.
"No, I'm fine here" I said as I sat down inside the car next to Eden
It was silence while we drove to Davies's house. I started out the window until I felt her little cubby fingers touch my hands. I turned to her and she stared up at me with a smile.
"I Love you Uncle Edward" she whispered I stared into her green blue eyes and I could see her I could see so much of her in her.
That was the first time I felt that I didn't have to run. I didn't have to run from those words ever again. Because I loved her to and I wasn't going to leave her ever.
"I Love you to Easter Eden McHale" I said to her and she giggled as she held my hand and began to sing.
Matchbox Twenty - Bent & Rob Thomas - Little Wonders