She waited and waited until she didn't know what else to do. Her heart was telling her one thing while her mind another. She could feel her worry level rising, could feel her hands shake with fear. She knew fear all to well, she had been living with it all her life. She had learned to block out fear, to cast it aside and leave it for another day when its level would rise and she would use everything she could to back it down. Now she felt that fear, like she had so often before.
Her family was fairly large, a few uncles and aunts on her mothers side and one or two on her fathers. She wasn't close to her fathers side, her only relative she liked was her younger cousin. He seemed to always understand her. Her mothers side was her life, they were her everything. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't love them more than anything else. Se found it hard to leave them when they parted ways and always felt close to tears every time she thought of them.
It was that kind of family to her. Her friends were just as close. She would tell them from time to time of how much worse her worrying had gotten, how much pain she is secretly suffering inside. Her friends had helped, but only on the surface. She knew nothing would be able to fully erase all of her pain and worry. She was known to be a hypochondriac, a person who fears about everything medical related. A person who refused or accepted that everything medically possible was wrong with them.
Her mothers aunt had gotten breast cancer. It was a shock, a painful realization that it could be her next. She fought the fear and continued on with her life. It was not long after that terrible discovery that her mothers uncle had gotten cancer of the bone, and her fathers father died of lung cancer, and to make things worse, her piano teacher had been diagnosed with breast cancer. These things whiled in her mind, and she cried. She cried for them and for herself. For her fear and her grief and sorrow.
She always loved the line of a song she had heard, "We are all innocent. We are we are. And while she wishes she was a dancer, and that she never heard of cancer, she wished that god would give her some answers and make her feel beautiful." She had wished so much to never hear of cancer. Now she wonders if she herself has it and fears with every fiber of her being that she does. She knows that seeking medical attention would help her fears, would either give her justification and relief, wither it be cancer or not. She just fears for the outcome. She fears for everything that cannot be helped nor explained.
I write this paper in third person to you as if I knew this girl. I know this girl for she is me, trying to ease the fears I have growing into my mind like a poison much like the poison that attacks the peoples I love's body. It is hard for me to take a grip of my fear, to say to myself "I will get checked and I will fight for my life." I want to be that brave person so badly that it makes me want to cry. But I am afraid. I am afraid more than I can ever fathom. Life is a scary thing to lose, it is the most precious thing given to us. I cannot imagine losing it or losing someone I love. I can only hope I can concur my fear and face my reality.