It's not an easy thing, talking about how one person can change your life forever. I don't know how, but she did. She changed me, changed everything in me, and I'll never be the same. I don't ever want to be the same.
It's not easy trying to explain what it was about her that was so beautiful, and so special. It's impossible to put into words the way she smiled or the way she laughed. It's too hard to put into words the way she lit up the room.
To this day no one can ever convince me that she didn't glow.
But as beautiful as she was, she was so hard to love. She pushed people away when she needed them the most.
That's why the hardest part of talking about her now is remembering the times she hurt me, remembering the times she made me cry. And she did make me cry, don't think I'll deny it.
But I take that back.
The hardest part of all this is the selfishness. It's in hating her because she's gone. It's hating her because I'll never get the chance to say thank you. I'll never get the chance to say I'm sorry. It's being afraid that she won't be able to forgive me. It's hating her for never coming back.
And I do hate her. I hate her with every fiber of my being because she is never coming back.
And here I sit, trying to tell her story. Trying to tell her story… because maybe then I can learn to forgive her for leaving. Maybe then she'll learn to forgive me for letting her go.
Maybe I can even learn to forgive myself.