Crushing on you hurts
You treat me like I'm dirt
Everyone has feelings
You regard mine like they're nothing
In your eyes I'm a loser
To me you're desire tripled
To you I'm just entertainment
In my eyes you are perfect
I don't know why I like you
I know that you're not worth it
But for some reason I can't to stay away
Trying to explain this is fruitless
I wish I could make you see
Just how much you make me bleed
I fall apart inside emotions high
Unrequited love isn't easy to hide
I know you know I know
In fact everyone already knows
Just how deep I fell for you
Why is love unfair?
I miss you when you go
I die when you are near
You laugh and mock me
Enjoying my pain
If only I could make you care
I stare at the people around me, busy revising for the upcoming exam this afternoon. The poem I just crafted stares at me from the page, anguish reflected from my eyes. My mind keeps drifting to what happened this morning. The events played in my mind over and over, torturing me until I snap the pen in my hand from tension.
"He probably doesn't even remember what happened," my best friend Jenna cajoled me as we walked up the steps towards the front entrance of the school.
I nodded, knowing that what she was saying was extremely unlikely but desperately wanting to believe in her empty words.
"There he is! Look! He's not even glaring at you!" Jenna jumped up and down excitedly.
It's because he has a maniac grin on his face, I wanted to tell her, it's worse than his glares! To this day, I still don't know why I'm one of those stupid girls who are attracted to those bad boy rebels that smoke, swear too much, skip class and get into fights more often than they dump their latest flavour of the week. I get good grades, I get along with my parents, I condemn smoking, drugs and excess alcohol consumption but he's an exception to my every rule.
My mouth couldn't even form coherent words as he stalked toward me like a predator after bloodied prey.
"Hello Kendra," he smirked down at me from his bastardly tall height," hey Jenny," he acknowledged my best friend, his cold eyes slid off me for a moment to smile at her.
Grr. I wish I wore heels today. Unfortunately, guys do encounter puberty (pity) and outgrow (well most of them outgrow) the girls that loomed over them back in junior high. He was a prime example of a midget fed growth pills. Shit. Did I say that out loud? Judging by the murderous grin on his face… I did. Shoot me now!
"Ken's sorry for yesterday," naïve Jenna chirped at my soon-to-be-murderer, oblivious to the fact that the enemy would never let me get off the hook that easily. I forgot to mention that Jenna's his stepsister didn't I? In other words, he can't hurt me around her but –
"Oh, there's the bell, catch ya guys later, bye Leif, bye Ken!" And just like that, my best friend skipped off to homeroom leaving me with the guy I threw rocks at yesterday. The guy who I liked since sophomore year.
You heard me.
I bumped into Leif yesterday at the park accidentally. I'm a very un-co person. He scowled and I panicked, sprawled on the ground and as he bent towards me slowly, my panic increased and without even realizing that there was no way he could attack/rape/maim/hurt/gut/behead me broad daylight at a public park full of people and manage get away with it. Nooo. Not me! My logic didn't think of that! So I did what any other self-respecting teenage girl with a humongous crush on the guy standing in front of her scowling did. I threw a big rock at his head and fled the scene hoping my hair won't mess up.
Now I'm here, about to meet my doom.
"Come with me," he said.
I stared. He seized my hand. I followed meekly hoping he didn't have any knives hidden on him. Students milled around us, giving us weird looks. Me in my purple and orange paint speckled paints, hand-sown shirt, tie-dye wrap around skirt over the paint speckled jeans, frizzy ginger hair flying everywhere, untied shoelaces tripping frequently in haste to match his footsteps, scrawny little 5'3 frame trailing after the guy of my dreams.
Leif led me to the underbelly of a massive staircase next to the English department block. And pushed me against a corner, frowning. I trembled.
I opened my mouth to scream rape but apparently, he's a fucking mind reader.
Was he always this intimidating before? Sure, he's a rebel or whatever but I'd never been scared of him. I suppose I'd never encountered him after I threw rocks at his head either so I guess that kinda explains it, speaking of his head, there is a massive bruise on his forehead.
Haha. I think I did it.
"You find my pain amusing?" he growled.
Shit, speaking out loud again.
"Yes you are."
Double shit on a stick! This habit of me musing my thoughts out loud is really getting annoying.
"Why did you throw a rock at me yesterday?" he asked, his face shadowed by the lack of light.
I chewed my lip wondering how I should phrase my words.
"Because guys annoy girls they like and um," I trailed off, wondering if I could have another go trying to explain my reasoning without sounding like an idiot.
"So guys annoy girls they like and you throw rocks at guys you like? Or am I the only guy you give this special treatment to since I don't recall you hurling bounders at Joseph in middle school."
I flushed. Everyone knew that I liked Joseph McCann in middle school. I hung onto his every word and dyed my hair blonde because he liked girls with blonde hair.
"I don't like you!" Denial poured out of my ass as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
Oh God, I'm going to die by strangulation at the hands of the guy I want to marry under the English staircases!
"You like me," arrogance laced his sing-song words. What am I saying? He's always arrogant!
In stories, this is where the guy kissed the girl senseless after teasing her. In my life, this is where he leaned to whisper in my ear that the next time I threw a rock at him, I'd better book a bed in hospital beforehand.
He left me wistfully aching under the stairs. I stayed there until first period, not thinking of trying to explain how I was going to explain my class absence for homeroom, trying not to cry,
I saw him later in the hallways on my way to the library kissing a pretty brunette by the #230 to #260 locks. Tears stung my eyes as I walked with my chin up high, quivering beneath my messy crow's nest that hid my face past him and the girl.
Noticeably, everyone ignored me when I arrived at study period, a mess with bloodshot eyes and clenched fists. Everyone was used to my melodrama and jealousy every time he found another girl and I watched in the background, heart shattering. Sympathy denied me. Just another day in my life.
Crushing on your hurts, I wanted to whisper as an image of him smiling conjured in my head. He always smiled at Jenna but never me. I pretended he smiled at me like he did to Jenna. I wish he would.
Mechanically I got out my binder and placed my pencil case upon the desktop I wanted to work at.
There was no way I could pour over flash cards after what I'd just witnessed. I picked up a pen and began to stab at a spare piece of paper.
Crushing on you hurts, my hand started writing.
I let my emotions flow.
I'm the reason why he doesn't like her. I'm the reason why my stepbrother Leif rejected my best friend Kendra. If I tell Kendra this, it'll break her heart and I'm too much of a coward to confront her and tell her the truth.
I guess clichés are just irresistible. The forbidden relationships appeal to human nature. What is not allowed is a weakness to morality.
Sometimes, I wonder how I hide it so well. My urges to rip Leif's clothes off in public, bitch slap whichever slut is hanging off his arms giggling her stupid head off. Me, naïve, bubbly Jenna, the girl that no one would suspect could backstab her closest friend or sleep with the girl of her best friend's dreams. Often, I question myself on my acting skills. Maybe I should go to Hollywood. No one knows my dark side. Leif is the only one who sees me like this. Angry, catty, vicious, corrupted. Ken's too dumb for her own good.
I mean how can she not notice the smiles Leif gives me? How can she ignore the fact that Leif treats me better than his friends? How can Ken seriously neglect to realize that just because I'm Leif Thompson's stepsister doesn't mean he has to be nice to me?
'You stupid little girl', I want to snarl in Ken's face whenever I see her make gooey eyes at my Leif.
'He doesn't like you, get over it!' The words are dying to come out of my mouth.
But I bite my tongue and smile in kind, as I force myself to listen to her whining or gushing about Leif.
'You're ugly; he's out of your league, boo fucking hoo!' Sometimes I wonder if I have an evil twin residing in my body.
It's not that I hate Kendra. She's my best friend and we'd stuck together like glue since third grade.
But Leif, he's mine and when it comes to him, friendship won't save her from my wrath. Leif finally saved me and made me see the light, just how much Kendra has damaged what could've been my reputation. And Kendra's getting boring, she dresses in clothes that even losers know not to touch and she's still has the same personality she did twelve years ago. It's time for me to move on. With Leif at my side, I will rule this school and make new friends. Goodbye Kendra. Hello popularity.
I almost laughed my head off when Ken called me up yesterday, moping about the fact that Leif is going to kill her because she threw a rock at his head after she bumped into him at the park.
As soon as I hung up, I went to seek Leif out. He was lounging on the deck outside his room, music blasting and gloriously half-naked, baking in the sun.
I sunk my claws into his warm golden flesh and momentarily forgot what I had sought him out for in the first place.
As he pulled me onto his chest, I snuggled against him and sighed.
This is bliss, I told myself.
After a while, Leif started stroking my hair. Trailing circles on my back.
He told me that my best friend had thrown a rock at him and my temper flared when I saw the bruise forming upon his forehead.
We cuddled and kissed until the sun went down and hatched a plan to break Ken's heart.
As I sauntered away from him when we heard our parents come home, a grin etched upon my face.
I love my life, I thought to myself, later that night when Leif snuck into my room.
"I can't wait until tomorrow", I hissed him heatedly, between my swollen lips.
He rocked against me in reply and I muffled my screams into his neck.
Our parents sleep down the hall, clueless.
I got to school this morning, my façade firmly masked in place.
Bouncing around on my feet excitedly, my heart raced as I spotted Leif.
He was hard to miss, even in a crowd, golden hair, sharp and angular delectable masculine features with steel grey eyes accompanied by a Greek god's body.
He come upon us, Kendra nervous and me elated as can be.
"Hey Kendra," he said coolly, smirking, his eyes glacial before they turned to me. A smile graced his face as his eyes defrosted when he looked at me before hardening, turning attention back to Ken.
"Ken's sorry for yesterday," I piped up in my best valley girl voice. Anger simmered beneath Leif's eyes and delight laced through my veins.
Fate was on my side today as the bell rang and I skipped off with an innocent," Oh, there's the bell, catch ya guys later, bye Leif, bye Ken!" Disappointment stung me as I watched Kendra miss the stunning smile Leif sent me as I shimmered away.
Ken keeps sending me pathetic text messages from study period while I'm trying to sleep in maths. I click my phone on silent and Leif slides his set of notes he took just for me.
"Oh my God Jenna, I love your nails!" Emma exclaims, a brunette hag that Leif is dumping for me publicly at lunchtime.
Don't worry, everything will go according to plan, Leif brushes against me sneakily, his soothing gesture of reassurance calming me down.
"Thanks," I flicked my hair casually as I restrained myself from ripping Emma's throat out for leaning her head on Leif's shoulder.
Smart boy, I purred inwardly as Leif leaned toward me jarring Emma's head off his shoulder painfully without even apologizing as he plucked my cell phone, reading Ken's texts in sadistic glee.
We make such a good couple, I thought, as I stare up in adoration at Leif while Emma sulked next to him.
"She's such a dumb slut," Megan whispers to me, smiling as I nod and we bitch about Emma in undisguised whispers.
A visibly upset Emma paled at our comments and got up when Leif crushed me into a passionate kiss, running out of the room, yelling at me babyishly fifth grade tell-tale threats," I'm telling Kendra!" Like I care.
"Go ahead", I smirked as I blew her a kiss, leaning against Leif's shoulder in satisfaction.
This butterfly was coming out of her cocoon. No more miss nice girl. Meet the girl who has everything you've ever wanted. Me, the girl who has everything you can never be,
I finally got what I wanted. My sexy stepsister Jenna. As a bonus, I also convinced her to stop hanging out with that loser she called a 'best friend', that ginger haired freak Kendra.
It's sort of embarrassing. The whole school, including twerp freshmen, knows about Kendra's crush on me. Can she not see that I'd never fall for her? I don't know what those idiots in Hollywood think or those dumbass romantics writing books have to say, someone as cool as me will never go for a nerdy loser like Kendra Simpson.
Jenna is easily manipulated. She lets me be the man, she does everything I tell her do to and she never questions my decisions of judgment. She's like the perfect girlfriend. I know some dudes like those feisty bitches that have a sharp tongue and sarcastic wit but I like my girls dominated and Jenna, she's hot; she's incredible when it comes to forming plans and she's great in bed. Jenna doesn't bother with the stupid endearments or nicknames couples give each other, she's not clingy, and she seems innocent until you really get to know her. She's calculating, cruel and has an evil streak that I'm proud to bring out in her.
It was in maths with that fat cow Lugholes when Jenna nearly snapped at this girl I made out with in the hallways earlier and thinks is my girlfriend, Emma, that I officially announced to the world, and subsequently dumped Emma, that Jenna Simpson was my property.
Everyone instantly accepted her. Jenna was popular before, she was friends with everyone and nice to even the nerds and losers but now, she'd been crowned the princess of this place.
As I was getting ready to go to lunch, the brunette that Leif was kissing in the hallway earlier burst through the library doors and latched onto my arm in a vice grip.
She informed me in a broken voice," Jenna White. Leif Thompson. Kissing. He dumped me for her, kissed her in front of the entire maths class. She laughed and didn't seem to care when I ran out to find out."
Big fat tears started splashing down the girl's cheeks after that costly sentence and I stared, stunned, unable to feel as shock numbed my response. My arms awkwardly surrounded the girl, hugging her for it was in my nature to comfort anyone who's sad and down.
A minute later, my own salt tears joined hers as we sat, red nosed, and sobbing as our bodies shook with pain and grief.
It was so hard for me to believe that Jenna could do this to me; she knew how much I liked Leif…
But the stricken girl in front of me was proof that it was no lie, Jenna White, my best friend since forever, had stabbed me in the back. And the pieces began to fit.
Leif's attitude toward her, his patience, his smiles, and his tolerance for her. Only her.
'Why?' my mind whispered in anguish.
"Why?" the crying brunette in my arms screamed-whispered.
A memory came to me, one of Jenna, and me fifteen years old, scoffing at a movie about a girl ditching her true friend and the only person who cared about her, for popularity.
"I'd never do that!" Jenna swore adamantly," that girl is so stupid and such a cow!"
I nodded and we laughed, bitching about the stupid girl that backstabbed her best friend before Jenna and I promised each other we'd never do something that horrible to one another.
All the broken pieces of my heart that Leif had shattered earlier this morning broke into minute diamond dusted shards.
Did I want revenge? No.
Did I want payback? No.
Did I want to get even? Didn't I answer this question twice already?
I wanted my best friend back. I wanted Leif. Even after what they'd done, what she did to me, I still wanted her back as my friend.
Am I stupid? Probably.
Am I pathetic? More than likely.
Am I still crying? The question should be, how do I stop?
Q: Another new story?!!
A: Yes. My teachers tell me I have too much creativity without sustenance.
Q: Are you going to switch point of views often throughout this story?
A: Yes. I usually loathe point of view switches in a story, especially when more than two character's perspective are involved but I thought this one out and I'm quite confident most people who read this story will have no trouble connecting the dots or getting lost between each character perspective change.
Q: What is someone does get lost between the point of view changes?
A: Highly unlikely, but I'd be more than happy to help those who get confused.
Q: Are you not going to respond to your reviews separately?
A: I find that different people often ask me the same questions over and over again and replying to them individually is repetitive and boring. Now I can lump everything into an F&Q everyone can read and understand so no one has to ask me something that a dozen people have asked me prior. I'll thank my reviewers individually though, if that makes you feel better.
Q: Are you going to finish your other stories?
A: Hopefully. Like I said, I have too much creativity without sustenance so depending on my mood and my muse, I'll write accordingly. I have more than 70 stories on my desktop, some are novel lengths that are unpublished, and others, mere chapters that I refuse to delete.
Q: Will we ever see something from Emma's point of view written?
A: More than likely, although, for now, I'm content with switching between Leif, Jenna, and Kendra's perspectives.
Q: How did Jenna go from being nice to bitchy so fast?
A: You'll find out later and get hints but Jenna is actually based on a 'best friend' that I once had and she went from nice to bitchy overnight (at least that's what it seemed to me).
Q: Is Kendra based on you?
A: Personality wise, hell no! I hold onto petty grudges, I get even if someone hurts me I'm more likely to backstab someone first if I even detect a sign of someone about to betray me. Aesthetically, also no, although genetically, I have auburn hair, not ginger, I'm taller than 5'3 and her fashion sense is opposite of mine but its fun creating wacky descriptions of Kendra's outfits.
Q: Leif sounds like a bastard!
A: Yeah. But they're so fun to read about.
Q: How often will you update?
A: I place my social life and schoolwork above my desire to write otherwise my friends and parents will kill me so expect nothing but irregular updates. However, I will try to update often because I know how frustrating it is when you really want to read more of a story but the author takes months to update.
Q: Do you have a Beta reader?
A: Nope. I don't want one. If I'm paranoid or feeling like a perfectionist, I'll ask my friend Ry to proofread everything. She's a good Beta, she usually proofreads for other people but she always stays up at 3 AM for me if I ask. You're welcome to point out any grammatical mistakes or spelling typos/errors, I make in the story if you wish. I won't mind.
Q: Will you put up character pictures?
A: I would prefer it if you used your imagination since my personal delight from reading is conjuring images in my head but I can use Photoshop to make banners for the story later on. For now, I want to concentrate on the writing, not get sidetracked by pretty graphics and doodling with brushes and layers on Adobe.
Q: Can you shut up now and go write the next chapter?
A: Do I get a review? xD