Summary: Love is a confusing affair. It grips the heart and takes it into territories you wished you didn't have to venture into. But in order to feel it, you have to experience it and let it be.

A/N: So, I'm back with this. I've been on writer's block for God know's how long. I know this piece has some similar names to my previous story, but I didn't notice that till now. Haha. This piece, when I wrote it, had a mind of its own. It's quite confusing but I like it that way so the readers can fill in the blanks and connect the dots. I don't want to give alot away in this story, hence the confusion. Hopefully, this makes some sense. Constructive cristism is appreciated and questions are delightfully answered.

This is SLASH.

I wish Alex knew how I felt.

If he did, I would no longer have to hide. It's painful, almost excruciating to hold such depression inside. I feel like hot lava has been poured over me, burning my insides until they would sizzle and disintegrate.

Yet, it's an eerily pleasant feeling.

We were best friends. We were bound by the strings of friendship and family. He was there when my tears fell and rolled silently down my hot cheeks. I was there when he slammed his fist into the wall and hot fury seeped from his eyes. He was there when I laughed so hard I couldn't utter a sound, let alone breathe. I was there when he would smile so big I could see his poor lips trying to stretch too far for their own good. He was always there and I was there with him.

We had many days together, whether they were great or horribly bad, we would have them together. We'd talk for hours about everything and nothing, as if we were going to run out of breath and our eyes never rested.


One day, I was talking to him, basking in the surprisingly warm March sunshine streaming inside from a small window. I had turned to the left, where he always was, but he was asleep.


On Sundays, we woke up early before the birds would start singing and we would run. We'd run just to feel the hard cement against every pounding step we took. The freezing wind would cool the moisture that rested irritably on our skin, carrying it away and leaving a refreshing cold feeling.

We had a ritual of stopping by at the corner store and we would help Mrs. Stone load the carts of supplies she ordered. She would reward us with a free drink and a snack.

She often told us of weird things. Talking in riddles with her eyes sparkling and a knowing smile. She would look me in the eye and speak, then pointedly look over at Alex.

I always had a feeling she knew more then she let on.


I gripped his hand, rubbing my thumb against his damp skin. I blew onto his dry lips, touching them slightly, not wanting to wake him. I'll let him sleep for a little longer.


We've known each other forever, maybe even longer. It feels like eternity and I can't remember one moment that he wasn't living in the house right beside me.

When we were eight, we spent three months collecting money from under the bed, under the sofa and even our lunch money. We might have starved for a couple of days, but it was worth it. We had seen the coolest, most amazing walkie talkie set in the whole history of the world. Or at least it was when we were eight.

It was a headset and it ran on solar power if you ran out of battery power, but it never really worked that well under the sun. We thought it was worth everything and we could finally play mission without yelling obscenities at the top of our lungs.

After three painstaking months, we had finally got it. We had obtained the thing we desired for so long. And it was ours and no one else's.

That day we spent hours outside playing.


I didn't want to wake him. He looked so serene, so fragile and calm. A small smile spread on my lips and I closed my eyes, just listening to his slow breathing that matched mine.


Sarah was my first girlfriend. She was a small girl who I knew since we were little. She had a big heart. And I loved her eyes. Orange and grey mixed together in two pupils. It was so unique, so different and yet so familiar.

I didn't like her loud attitude. It went terribly with her short temper. Sometimes she gave me headaches, but I would go to the cabinet and gulp down two Tylenol pills.

When we kissed, it was messy. It wasn't smooth but I liked the feel of her hot mouth against mine. And I liked it when she would open her eyes and stare into mine because it was only then that I would relax and it was only then that the kiss would become deeper and more sensual.

I would hold her hand when we would walk to the mall and I'd buy her clothes if I had money. I didn't like that she wore low tank tops that showed off her breasts. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to have a headache.

Alex and Sarah got into a fight once. He yelled at her and made a hole in my kitchen wall, next to the one that he made when we were riding our bikes and I broke my arm. He blamed himself for my fall and was angry he couldn't save me. I pushed a reluctant Alex outside where he yelled at me and said very colourful words about Sarah who was inside crying.

I told him to calm down but he only shouted louder. Lights in neighbour's living rooms were turning on and I hoped we hadn't woken them up. I turned to him and pushed him back and shouted at him. Another headache was coming on so I told him to shut up and to get a hold of himself. The expression he gave tore me to pieces and I wished I hadn't done such a thing.

He was silent for a while and the quietness made me frown.

Alex said he didn't like Sarah. I looked at him and saw something that flickered past his eyes and left me feeling utterly confused, but with a strange sensation of excitement. He gasped and looked away, saying he hated Sarah for what she had done to him but he stopped himself before explaining why. Then Alex left, his head down and his feet dragging behind him. He turned around when the front door opened but only took a quick almost longing glance at me before running across the yard to his house.

Sarah stepped onto the porch, rested her head on my shoulder and took my fingers. I turned around and kissed her. She turned away. Her sight trailing Alex as he entered his house.

Her eyes reminded me of Alex's.


I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noon. He was still there beside me sleeping. I wanted to wake him up but I saw the tired rings under his eyes, so I let him be. I could wait.


My relationship with Sarah ended but she promised we'd still be friends. She said she was in love with someone else and I wondered how at the age of seventeen, you could fall in love.

Alex hadn't spoken to me since the night of the fight and I still couldn't understand what had happened. Sarah refused to talk about it no matter how much I kissed her and held her hand, pleading her to tell me. She would push me away, leaning against the other side of the couch and shake her head, murmuring a small apology.

Before she left, Sarah had gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, mumbling words in my ear as she held me. I didn't feel sad. I just felt disappointed.

Alex chose to walk by at that moment as Sarah patted my shoulder and turned the other way to go to class. His eyes never left Sarah, a strange sort of relief and anger in his eyes. My eyes were fixated on Alex.

The bell rang and I knew we were late for class but fortunately it was P.E. Mr. Greaves always came to class ten minutes late.

Alex swept his orange-grey eyes around the hall, somehow missing the fact that I was in it too. He turned around towards the direction of the gyms. He brushed past me, leaving a ghostly touch that made me shiver and Alex pause in his footsteps for a fraction of second.

That night I struggled not to cry. But I did anyways, not for Sarah, but for Alex.


I shook him, but he didn't stir. There was a high beeping sound around the room but I didn't see an alarm clock anywhere. I sighed, listening to him breathe and the constant and steady hum of the alarm clock.


I saw Sarah kissing Alex when I finally decided to talk to him.

I didn't understand what happened after that. I remember punching the wall as they fell apart; Sarah with a blissful smile and Alex staring at her blankly. I wasn't strong enough to make a hole like Alex had.

I remember Alex staring at me, eyes wide like a deer caught in bright headlights. I remember pushing Sarah to the ground and slamming Alex against the kitchen counter. I remember crying but I didn't realize the tears until I had punched him in the face.

I remember when I pressed against his lips hard, clutching his collar until my knuckles turned white.


It was getting dark and he was still asleep. I held his hand, feeling the cold skin. I frowned and wrapped the scratchy blanket around ourselves tighter.


I was never good at basketball. While all the boys were doing slam dunks and lay ups, I was tumbling and missing every shot I took.

Alex was fantastic in basketball. He never missed a shot and was a terribly good check.

With his tall stature and fast legs, it was near impossible to win against him. I would win from time to time, only if he let me.

The day after that night, the night when Sarah was pushed to the ground and went into the shock of her life, and the night I pushed Alex up against the counter and punched him, Mr. Greaves decided to put my team against Alex's.

Alex was appointed as my check and we played. He didn't try to touch me or even look at me. His face was full of his usual determination, an expression he wore every basketball game he played. It was like his mind and body was only focussed on the game, blocking all else out. Alex looked the same and played the same, but I knew he didn't feel the same.

Class ended and it was the end of the day. Our game ended hotly with a tie and without me ever shooting a successful shot. I was lucky to have Alex's rival in basketball on my team or we would've been creamed nice and clean.

I changed quickly, careful not to meddle with the bruises on my legs and not bothering to speak to anyone like I usually do. I didn't feel like talking about girls and who checked out who and if it was true or not. Girls didn't seem to be interesting anymore.

I was about to leave the change room when a voice stopped me, sending a cold sweat that chilled my body and stopped my heart.


I breathed again, soothing my troubled expression into a blank one. I turned around to face Alex who looked at me with his face of determination. I wasn't familiar with this face directed towards me.

"What?" I almost cringed, my voice sounded hot and sharp. I wasn't exactly aiming for that tone. "What is it?"

Alex didn't take his eyes off of me. I felt hot and sweaty, not from the previous activities, but from his piercing gaze that felt like he could see everything inside me. I felt like a open body, free for all to poke around with, move my organs and stick their heads inside my chest.

Someone called his name but he didn't look back. He only waved his hand dismissively. Alex wiped a drop of sweat off his neck and I didn't realize I was staring until he called my name again.

"We need to talk, Luke," he said, his eyes more vibrant than ever. That peculiar mix of orange and grey burned me alive, something Sarah's eyes had never been capable of.

I didn't want to talk. If we were to talk I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I would say. I would never be able to explain to him what happened that night. I can't comprehend it myself.

I kissed him last night.

"I don't want to talk."

"I don't either," Alex replied, going to the door and motioning for me to follow. "But we have to."


He was getting colder and colder. I didn't like that. I wanted to cry because he was still asleep and I missed him. He was there, but my chest still ached. I didn't know why I felt like that.


They're dating.

Sarah and Alex are dating.

The holes, black and cracked, stood so prominently against the perfection of the kitchen. I stared at it for the longest time, as if the wall wasn't the wall and that the hole was deeper, deep enough to reach the other room.

The wall was my heart and the holes were the holes Alex punched in, deep and scrutinizing, painful and mocking.

He said Sarah liked him. She liked him a lot. Sarah said she loved him. He said she's liked him for a long time now and they just weren't ready to tell me.

I asked him if he loved her and he shook his head. I asked, almost screamed if he liked her, but he only bowed his head and took a breath.

We didn't talk about the kiss.

He said he was sorry and he left. And I never felt so alone and so lost.


I sighed again as I watched the sunset in the horizon outside the window. The day was ending and he slept through it. The alarm's beeps were no longer in intervals. I was so use to it by now that it sounded like one long note. It was becoming irritating but I tried to ignore it, rubbing my fingers against his cold palm.


I was washing the dishes when I heard the kitchen door open and quiet footsteps approach behind me. I told my mom I had the dishes and she should go back to her T.V. show.

A deep voice called my name and I knew instantly it was Alex's. My plate almost slipped from my wet hands, but I held on tight frozen in spot. We hadn't talked in weeks.

He spoke and told me Sarah was history. He said he couldn't be with someone he didn't like in the first place. I didn't dare to look at him because my face would have looked like something between relief and anger.

And then hands gripped onto my shoulder, turning me around. The plate was still in my hands, dripping soap onto my bare feet. And then lips were pressed against mine along with fingers that brushed tentatively along my jaw, down to my sides and a hand placed on my hip.

I didn't move. I only closed my eyes and held my breath, letting some odd overwhelming emotion fill up my stomach and my chest, speeding my heart to accelerate at a rate that I thought was impossible.

We broke away slowly as he kissed me a final time and I finally opened my eyes. Alex's eyes sparkled, the burning fire present but it danced pleasantly. It warmed me.

"What are you doing?" I asked barely in a whisper, like I was winded by that kiss.

"I don't know," he replied, taking the plate that was pressed against our stomachs and dropped it in the foamy sink behind me. He smiled.


There was only a stream of honey gold left of the sunset. The light shone through the window, giving everything a soft shimmering glow. I stared at him and watched as the light caressed his small face lifting his tired expression away.

I heard a gasp and the sound of falling silverware. There was yelling and footsteps that slammed hard against linoleum floors. I felt myself being torn from him and I panicked, screamed at the top of my lungs and fought against the arms that held me back.


Alex turned eighteen early March and his parents bought him a car. It wasn't the best car but it wasn't the worst either.

We drove around with the windows down and Sarah in the back seat complaining that it was too cold. I laughed even though the side of my head was throbbing. I wished she would just shut up.

It was my turn to drive and I was ecstatic about gripping the handwheel and crushing the pedal beneath my foot. I passed my licence a year ago but I never really drove around save for the few trips to the market across town.

I drove down the highway with my ears near deaf from the booming sound of motors and the heavy gushes of wind that thawed my freezing cheeks. I looked to my right to see Alex laughing, his eyes dancing to the loud music that slammed my heart hard against my rib cage. Sarah looked fine but I knew she wasn't enjoying this to its full potential.

Alex sang loudly with the rock song, letting his hair play with the fierce wind. He drummed the dashboard with his hands and stomped the ground with his feet. I turned the music louder, loving the vibration inside my chest despite Sarah's loud whine and the painful attack of my migraine.

As we came to a stop at the end of the highway, Sarah had finally jumped to the front and almost punched the radio broken, turning it off. She sank back to her seat in relief.

She mumbled something about boys and obscure behaviours. Alex snickered and looked my way. He gave me a smile and I felt my head swirl.

Sarah crossed her arms across her chest as we came to another intersection. I couldn't make out whether the traffic light was green or red but I saw cars driving through my way so I kept going.

I felt another blow to my head as my migraine became a full throttle headache as my vision shook and my body racked from the overwhelming pain. I felt warm thick liquid seep out of my nose and mouth. I felt two hands grab my shoulders and a body thrown on top of me. My ears rung from a high pitch scream as my face felt like it was being ripped apart, skin broken, and my eyes cut open. The sound of shattering glass and tires screeching, silenced everything.


His heart stopped beating.

They tried to resuscitate him. They ripped open his shirt, pressed the two defibrillators on his chest that made him jump, but only thump dully back onto his bed. The monitor never stopped its agonizing long note.

I saw him as they tried and tried, almost breaking his lithe body. I saw the limpness in his arms and legs. I felt the hands that resisted me from throwing myself on him. And I felt the feeling of loss. A feeling that gripped my heart and desperately pulled at it, hoping that if it got it out, I could give it to him.

I saw the doctor retreat and glance at his watch. I saw the shake of his head and his mute lips saying the time. Finally, the arms let go and I was flying back to him as if the world was leaving me and my hands were all over his face as tears rolled hot down my cheeks.

Sarah squeezed my shoulder, sobbing through racked cries, but I didn't care.

She apologized, wishing the both of us had more time together and the luxury of being with each other like she had with him. Sarah cried, almost screamed as she kneeled down beside him, furiously shaking his leg which no fresh blood pulsed through. The nurses stood nearby, their heads hanging low and palms clasped together. I looked at him, expecting anytime now, for his eyes to open and show the full brilliance of them. I gripped his hand, hoping that he'd squeeze back. I closed my eyes and started to remember, unable to look at the person that lay breathless before me.

"I love you," I finally choked out, feeling like I've kept this in me for centuries, but it was too late now. My whole body shook as I leaned down and pressed my lips to his cold ones. "I've always loved you, Luke. Always."