Shivers ran down my spine

The devil's fingers traced my back

Outlined my bones

When he found the weak spot,

He pushed

And I fell into a heap

I'm still shivering

And shaking

And had a dream about you…

Or was it a nightmare

All I saw was your face

And I couldn't help but remember

It's breaking me

I heard your voice through the phone today

But not for me, not at all


I must have been wrong.

I prayed to God that I was getting too attached

That he needed to take me away

And if it was getting to the point that I couldn't obey him any longer

To take me from the boy


And he did…

So I may have committed idolatry.

And now I'm broken

No, shattered


Crying for hours on the bathroom floor

The devil scorned me

Threw some pills in my face.

Death will feel better, he told me

No, I can't try that again,

I won't go back to the old way

At least that's what I told myself

And my green cross across from me on the stool screamed back

Louder than Satan

But I obeyed Satan instead…

But not fully.

My situation described by another as trouble in paradise

Trouble in Paradise?

Only if paradise has become hell

Druggies bombed it

Crushed it

Broke it

Destroyed it…

All because one uncleanly thing attracted them

One thing

The love would have been perfect

If it hadn't been for rules

And fear

The lack of trust

And the love is still there

This is tearing me apart…

I heard his name and almost puked

Every reminder made me daze

I was lost in my world again

It was good

I had gone through a lot

Without an explanation from him


But that's always the way it is

They said it in the movies

Saying Good-Bye hurts too badly

And you only say that when you'll be back

I guess it's over.

I could run

And I did

To the devil

And into his hands

He's still rubbing my spine

He still holds my hand…

Or had hours ago

He left with the coming of light

And light has embraced me

But I can't lie

And I can't pretend

I won't run

And can't promise I won't cry

I'm hurt

And most of all

I still love him.