Author's Note: While you are reading, please note that the numbers next to certain words refer to a footnote at the end of the story (contained on the same Web page). Footnotes for Part I are also placed at the end of Part I. It is advisable for you to read the footnotes while you are reading the story, though do it after you finish a stanza. All German words are real German words. Seriously. All places are real places that are used fictitiously. And finally, I do not own Snow White, Xena, Gabrielle and Robin Hood. However, Heinbleet Wafer is all mine. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask, even if that's all you write in a review or something. Reviews are appreciated, of course. Enjoy!

Part I

Heinbleet Wafer came home one day
Only to find his parents in dismay
Over his atrocious report card
Five classes failed, and failed very hard.

"I got one A!" he solemnly cried
His parents glared and told no lies—
In fluent German1, they told their share:
"In Foods class—we don't care!"

Heinbleet Wafer felt quite mad
And left the room mighty glad
Their ugly faces, he'd never have to see2
And so he went for a walk beside the sea.

On the dark pathway in the forest—
That's behind his house, he stopped to rest
When a ball of light came floating by
An Irrlicht3, he whispered and wondered why
He felt curious and felt fascinated
He heard a giggle and he followed.

Over the hills and across the streams
For minutes, he followed the unnatural gleam
Until it stopped and faded away
And left him confused; he'd fallen astray.

Heinbleet turned to go back in woe
When suddenly, he felt water in his toes
"What the…" he whispered and bent down
Astonished he saw: reflected was his frown.
He was standing on water! What evil is this—
The Irrlicht conjured and then gone amiss
But he was wrong; there was a flash of light,
The Irrlicht was now back in sight.
Again it giggled and circled around
And once more, it was nowhere to be found.

But then Heinbleet Wafer had bigger worries
He began to sink into the depths of the sea!
Fading around him was the world he knew
Darkness approached fast like morning dew.

He tried to swim but to no avail
He sank and was taken by a black veil.
When he awoke, Heinbleet was confused
For he was in a bubble; he was not amused.

Panicking, he realized it was drifting to the top
The bubble was floating; the sun was hot.
The temperature rose by a great degree
Heinbleet Wafer longed to be free
Of those scorching sun's death rays
So he burst the bubble and sank in a daze.

Underneath the water, he was surprised to see
Scores of merpeople staring quite angrily
"Why'd you destroy the bubble?" they cried
"It was to save you from drowning last night!"
Though Heinbleet said it was night no longer
The merpeople listened not and pushed him farther.

"You're so stupid that you drown in the sea
Mr. Heinbleet Wafer, can you not see—
We welcome no humans in the land of Neptunod
You destroyed our bubble, our faith, our God4!"
"The fault was Irrlicht, not of mine!"
"If you knew what it was, why'd you follow it last night?"
"I lost my fez5! I do not know!"
"We do not care! We advise you to go!"

And so this was true, for when Heinbleet awoke
He was a baby, and no longer a bloke
A mermaid was staring like his mama
He said "Help me" but it came out "Waa Waa."

She merely laughed and swam closer
"You deserve this Heinbleet, you no-good poser!"
Heinbleet was furious but was literally helpless
He was trapped and all of out of fez.

For two weeks, he remained that dismal way
The merpeople had planned: forever he must stay—
As a baby, to reflect his intelligence
To them, he was a loser and incredibly dense.

During his imprisonment, he was surprised to find
That the merpeople were not of the same mind
A cold war raged on in the land of Neptunod6
Of whether he was genuine or whether he was fraud.

Some said Heinbleet was just a child
His stupidity, though present, was only mild.
While others condemn him for idiocy
For lack of intelligence was worse than deceit—
"Stupidity," they said, "is punishable by death!
We, however, were kind in giving him baby's breath
But if some believe we gave death's kiss
Then they know not what true justice is!"

And so was said by the maidens and lords
The emperor, in his plans, was pressured to fold,
And finally, the last paper was sealed
The magic of Heinbleet's transformation appealed
"Order of Execution!" the law read
"For destroying the sacred bubble and all we dreamt—
He showed asinine qualities, which we cannot bear
Gone with head! And gone with his hair!"

But destiny was changed one fateful day
When the Irrlicht appeared in the month of May
Heinbleet saw it and furiously glared
His baby hands clenched, his nostrils flared
But the Irrlicht was undaunted and not fazed,
It merely giggled and then floated away
There was a flash of light and to his surprise
Heinbleet was back on land as a normal guy.

Thinking his ordeal was over, he turned to leave
When the Irrlicht appeared and began to grieve
It spoke to him in a high-pitched voice
It thought of him as merely a toy:
"Hahaa, you can't go home!"
It cried; Heinbleet looked forlorn.
"What are you talking about?" he asked
But the Irrlicht's ideas remained masked.
"Hey, guess what?" It responded back.
Heinbleet was tired and the sky was turning black.
"What?" he asked; he was finished with this.
"FEZ7!" it shouted and again, went amiss.

But Heinbleet's original thought was a lie—
For he began to fall up…into the sky!

He panicked and tried to go back
To his beloved Earth (nothing did it lack.)
Heinbleet, however, failed miserably
He was still rising; he could not flee.
So finally, helplessness settled in
Heinbleet realized he could not win.
And so with his new resolution
He remained sane with strong determination
For hours he continued to float to the sky
He thought he was going to die.

Footnotes (for Part I):

1. Because the story only takes place in Germany, Heinbleet's parents speak only fluent German.
2. At least, until he came back home for food.
3. The German word for Will O' The Wisp -- a ball of light that seems to think on its own. It lingers in forests or murky bogs, where it lures travelers into the fog only to get lost and die.
4. The Merpeople worship the bubble. That's just the way it is.
5. 'Fez' is a common German slang term generally used by people between the ages of 16 and 18. It is not a curse word and is fully acceptable in society. To our modern day culture, 'fez' holds the same meaning as the word 'heck' in the saying, "What the heck?". However, the formal usage of 'fez' in the German language is similar to the usage of the common English word "mind" or intelligence". Thus, the phrase "I lose my mind" would be translated to "I lost my fez" in the German-English language, which is what Heinbleet Wafer speaks.
6. Neptunod is the land of the Merpeople. It is located 269 fathoms in the Baltic Sea, which is located next to the northwestern border of Germany.
7. "Fez" in this context doesn't make sense. However this is not surprising, because the Irrlict is often known to speak incoherently.


Part II

Finally the ascent stopped suddenly
Heinbleet realized he was higher than the trees
He was in a land of clouds and dreams
A beautiful land, or so it seemed.
For out emerged quite a cute little thing
A fluffy pink puppy, a strange tune it did sing
For the sounds of the song were not in the air,
But in Heinbleet's ears, confirming his worst fear.

Thousands of puppies surrounded him by
Heinbleet sighed and did not try to fly
For he knew from their dead silence in the night
Telepathic abilities they had, and he did not.

Their sinister grins, their hot pink coats
Haunted him; a scream rose from his throat—
For the puppies bound and gagged him…(he was cold)
And tied him sharply to a pink-colored pole.

Too late, Heinbleet dully realized,
When I was free, I should have flied
But now I'm stuck in this morbid place
Why, oh why, did I run out of fez?!?

The tribal songs echoed, the frightening dances began
Puppies performed the ritual they had so carefully planned
Not one bark issued, no whimpers, no whines
Not normal the puppies were in Thritenine8

No matter how crude or rude or evil they seemed to be
Heinbleet could not help but appreciate their excess of fez
(For with the help of the Irrlicht, him they captured
Slowly they reeled him until his strength had ruptured)

Heinbleet, sadly, was lost in thought
And therefore, he noticed not
The boiling hot water in the golden pot9
Being brought closer to him but finally he did spot.

Heinbleet screamed and yelled in dismay
But he could not undo their telepathic ways
He could hear them, but them not him
So they carried on; the world then went dim.

"What the fez is going on?!?" Heinbleet yelled.
The Irrlicht appeared before him and dwelled.
"Your life, I will spare, for I like you—
More amusement you bring than ever I knew."

The world came back, the puppies reappeared
But the boiling pot of water magically disappeared
Instead a swirling black hole of clouds
Lay in the center of the ritualistic crowds
His pole began to move, Heinbleet began to fear
While the puppies stopped dancing and started to cheer.

Slowly and carefully, his pole began to descend
Oh by now, how Heinbleet longed to see a friend!
The darkness surrounded him in a black daze
Nothing but nothingness filled his gaze—
Until a tiny stream of light shone through
And Heinbleet could see the morning dew.
He was going back to Earth! It seemed
Heinbleet wept and Heinbleet dreamed.

The pole was eventually lowered into a wood
Darker and denser; put him in a bad mood.
This was not the asylum behind his home
For in the background, visible was a marble dome.

Heart beating—but again helpless—he heard a noise
Twigs breaking: a creature of small poise.
And out came Grumpy the Famed
From Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, he came.

Muttering "Call this a sacrifice!
Why, the land of Thritenine deserves to die!"
But Grumpy took the pole nonetheless,
(Heinbleet had fainted, I must confess).

For in the solemn land of Germany
While children played and mothers drank tea
There was a maiden so evil and so bold
That merely her gaze would turn blood cold.

She corrupted the innocent minds of the young
With her tales of murder and twists of the tongue—
For she was the darkness that killed the light:
She was a Dirne10 called Snow White.

To her, Heinbleet was going now
He was the sacrifice for Pow Wow11
Grumpy carried him like a potato sack
Heinbleet's death seemed inevitable fact.

Snow White appeared like a dark goddess
She asked Heinbleet to then confess:
"Who are you and your business in mine
Dark, desolate and humble land of Thritenine?"
Heinbleet told all he knew
But he knew he could not be fooled
She will corrupt his mind with thoughts
Of blood, of shame and with goodness fought.

Snow White noticed Heinbleet's fear
To soothe him, she gave him a treat
A bright red apple to undo fright
But Heinbleet refused with all his might.

"Why do you fear me, oh little one
When the Americans love me as their sun?"
"You are evil! You are sick
Your nasty habits are too hard to kick!"

Snow White merely laughed at his words
Her laughter scared away all the birds"You believe me to be a Dirne, no?
A liar, a wicked girl and your foe?
I will tell the truth little boy
And to your heart, may it bring joy
Ich bin lezbich!"12Heinbleet was stunned.
No wonder Snow White had been shunned.
But one thing still had no fez
A tiny fact, a little detail but he still cared
"If evil, you are not,
Why do the puppies sacrifice a lot?"

A shadow passed through Snow White's face
A sinister smile and a steady gaze
"The poison my stepmother gave me to drink
Had one side-effect: I need blood or I shrink."

Heinbleet's amazement turned to horror
As Snow White bared her fangs, came closer
But a battle cry was heard, full of aliveness
For then came Xena: the warrior princess!

With magic and sorcery, Snow White fought
While Xena's sword and chakram failed her not
Snow White fell unconscious on the ground
Suddenly the dwarfs were nowhere to be found.

"Are you all right?" she asked hurriedly.
Heinbleet struggled to answer coherently
For here was his hero, his goddess, his love
She as beautiful as Snow White's dove.
But in the end, he nodded his head
And when Gabrielle13 came, his legs were lead.

Together they traveled through light and day
Facing whatever evils came their way
Slowly but surely, Xena trained him
To fight, to believe, to try and win
He learned archery, he learned the sword
He learned kindness from Gabrielle's words

And so one day, his 18th year,
Heinbleet became a man and lost all fear,
He became a savior to the poor of the wood,
And then changed his name to Robin Hood.

As for the Irrlicht, he did not meet
For his survival was its defeat
His parents, his school was a life long dead
Helping others was now in fate's trend.

Footnotes (con.)
1. Because the story only takes place in Germany, Heinbleet's parents speak only fluent German.
2. At least, until he came back home for food.
3. The German word for Will O' The Wisp -- a ball of light that seems to think on its own. It lingers in forests or murky bogs, where it lures travelers into the fog only to get lost and die.
4. The Merpeople worship the bubble. That's just the way it is.
5. 'Fez' is a common German slang term generally used by people between the ages of 16 and 18. It is not a curse word and is fully acceptable in society. To our modern day culture, 'fez' holds the same meaning as the word 'heck' in the saying, "What the heck?". However, the formal usage of 'fez' in the German language is similar to the usage of the common English word "mind" or intelligence". Thus, the phrase "I lose my mind" would be translated to "I lost my fez" in the German-English language, which is what Heinbleet Wafer speaks.
6. Neptunod is the land of the Merpeople. It is located 269 fathoms in the Baltic Sea, which is located next to the northwestern border of Germany.
7. "Fez" in this context doesn't make sense. However this is not surprising, because the Irrlict is often known to speak incoherently.
8. Thritenine is a magical land that is set in the clouds hundreds of miles above the Earth. It is mainly populated by fluffy pink puppies with telepathic abilities, though it is not uncommon to see pink kittens, who remain there for breeding purposes.
9. The puppies' diet mainly consists of eating their own kind but they are always hungry for new meat.
10. This is the German word for 'harlot'. Snow White is described so because she has spent several months living with seven strange men she did not know and in Heinbleet's world, this act is serious enough to label Snow White as "evil". Merely her presence is corrupting.
11. Pow Wow is the most sacred and auspicious month for the Thritenine puppies.
12. This is German for "I am a lesbian". It is shocking, I know.
13. Gabrielle is Xena's best friend. Duh.