Warning: Absurd.

This came out of no where really; just a night-time mixture of david attenborough and cutthroat island. Not to be taken seriously or with alcoholic beverages.

The Pirate Documentary

Narrator: (voice over) since the dawn of time, man has been captivated and intrigued by one special element of our unique nature; one singular attribute which itself has bestowed such great fortune that all other accomplishments pale in comparison. I am of course talking about 'Awesomeness'. But there has been much debate as to how awesomeness can be reached and maintained. Many have dedicated their lives to reach this fabled high level of awesome. Many have come close as well including, but not limited to, Evel Knievel, Hulk Hogan, The Fonz, Wayne Gretzky and Gregory Peck. Nevertheless none of these humans have come as close to awesome as a particular small minority group, growing ever steadily in popularity in our modern society, who believe that they are exactly what defines 'Awesomeness'. And tonight, we shall be looking at this group and asking ourselves the question whether or not the claims are true; whether or not the epitome of awesome are indeed pirates.

(Title screen appears reading "Pirates: Frontier of Awesomeness" Cuts to narrator)

Narrator: The name 'Pirate' originally comes from the word 'piracy' or to commit robbery at sea and sometimes at shore. Those who commit piracy are therefore branded as pirates. This is about the broadest description of the term and probably the one that the government would most like to enforce. However there is so much more to pirates than what meets the eye. In fact there is an entire subculture concerning pirates that has existed for thousands of years, starting around the 13th century B.C.E and continuing up to the present day. Pirates essentially have their own society. The have their own laws, their own fashions, their own language and, most importantly, their own special brand of 'Awesomeness' that meticulously over the centuries has cemented them as a serious contender for defining the word awesome itself. But what exactly is a pirate you might ask. It is a hard question and one not easily answered. We shall do our best though to give a fair and unbiased response so that you may decide for yourself whether or not pirates themselves represent awesome or are just another close candidate for this prestigious position.

(Cuts to a pirate)

Pirate 1- Being a pirate isn't just a phase; it's a way of life. You're born a pirate, you live a pirate and you die a pirate at age 25.

(Cuts to another pirate)

Pirate 2- To me being a pirate is like being a member of a family. It's like a religion, you know? A society of men, and some women I must grant, who share the same beliefs, ideologies and dreams of raping and pillaging.

(Cuts to another pirate)

Pirate 3- Being a pirate, you're setting yourself up for a hard life sure. But really, the ends justify the means. I have never doubted my existence as a pirate.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- It is commonly believed that to be a pirate, one must be born a pirate. 'Awesomeness' is a quality that is usually attributed to ones birth as it is near impossible to obtain awesomeness through any other means bar the occasional fluke full court shot in a basketball match. Some pirates realize their calling at ages usually around six to seven weeks after birth. However, for those growing up in surroundings predominately absent of pirates, they may not fully become pirates till well into their twenties or thirties, although they would have still possessed all the characteristics of a pirate during their youth only to have no actually way of understanding what it meant. The youngest ever recorded pirate was a foetus which has now been nicknamed 'Captain Stillborn' which cut it's way out of its mothers womb before it's gender had even been biologically decided. Of course, having no operational organs, Captain Stillborn died almost instantly, not before taking seven lives with it. Surprisingly, early criminal records are not a rarity in the pirating world and are actually praised rather then frowned upon.

(Cuts to another pirate)

Narrator- So what age were you when you first realised you were a pirate?

Pirate 4- Well to tell you the truth I don't exactly remember myself because it happened when I still had undeveloped short term memory but my parents tell me I strangled our cat to death at the age of just nine weeks so I guess it was about then. I was a late bloomer really.

Narrator- Being a pirate is an exclusive status to hold and one that numerous members of the public envy. Because of this there are now thousands of cases worldwide of people imitating pirates in an attempt to be one. What do actual pirates think about this?

Pirate 4- Well first of we were flattered as over the past thousand years we were persecuted for being what we are rather than being worshipped. But it just steadily grew out of hand. I mean now they're everywhere. You see someone dressed like a pirate and you go up to them and give them a playful stab in the back with your cutlass only to find them slumping to the ground in death. See if they were a real pirate they would have turned around and shot me and then we would have yar'd for a bit and then gone and got drunk. Unfortunately with all these imitation pirates it's getting much harder to find real ones and the only real way to distinguish them is to either stab them or request that they strangle a passing bird with their chest hair, which is a favourite pirate pastime.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- The question many liberals ask is why so many people want to become pirates. It's all about the chase for awesomeness. Those born normal desire to be awesome and therefore dress up as pirates in an attempt to live their dream.

(Cuts to three pirates)

Narrator- The reason so many people want to become pirates is because your kind is so awesome. What is it exactly that makes you awesome?

Pirate 1- That's a hard question to answer in a short period of time.

Pirate 2- Yeah, I mean we could go on for days and days describing all the assets that make us pirates so awesome.

Narrator- Well if you had to condense your answer, what would it be?

Pirate 1- I guess what makes us so awesome is human nature. You see it is human nature to want to be big and tough and violent and rich with booty and have ridiculous amounts of facial hair and to be able to pretty much survive anything and that is why we're awesome; because we're all of that.

Pirate 3- Yeah, we tick all the boxes really.

Narrator- The pirate persona has become rather stereotypical of late. Has this upset you slightly?

Pirate 3- Not in the slightest, no. To us our characteristics are more 'common' rather then stereotypical. You may look at our beards and our large pirate hats and our wooden legs and think of it as stereotypical but a real pirate sees that appearance as being perfection and therefore every pirate assumes the look.

Narrator- If you happen to stumble across a person in the street who has no idea of what a pirate is what do you say to them?

Pirate 2- Nothing much really I don't think.

Pirate 3- No if they say they don't know what a pirate is we poke one of their eyes out.

Pirate 2- Its like killing two birds with one stone. Firstly they'll never forget what a pirate is and secondly they'll even get to experience a bit of what being a pirate is like as they'll get to wear an eye patch.

Pirate 1- In truth we're doing them a favour by educating them and granting them a small piece of our awesomeness.

Pirate 2- Yeah, eye patches are very hot amongst the pirating world and the close followers of said world.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- Pirates are very noticeable in any public setting often wearing elaborate clothing and operating in a rowdy and obnoxious manner. It is believed that this is because they are awesome and wish for everyone to see how awesome they are. It is also believed that they do this because they are not afraid of anything and in conclusion do not need to hide from anything or act subtly in any way.

(Cuts to another pirate)

Pirate 5- Pirates are very fearless. We are scared of nothing while everyone is scared of us. There those who act like they're not scared of us but we know they are.

Narrator- Like whom for example?

Pirate 5- Okay take ninjas for instance. Sure we share a couple of similarities with their kind but in the end we're not scared of them while they are terrified of us. They act all cool on the outside but then they spend all their time hiding amongst the shadows. That's because they're too scared for open competition while us pirates thrive on it.

Narrator- Amongst doing my research I was astounded to find that pirates had their own caste system. Could you shed some more light on that for us?

Pirate 5- Yes, well pirating is a lot like a country. Not everyone can be in charge. I mean what's the point of having a pirate ship where everyone tells everyone else what to do? It's not possible so that is why we have official pirates elected into higher pirating positions based purely upon their levels of awesomeness. These higher or upper pirates are the captains of the pirate ships and order the lower or lesser pirates around. Sometimes the lesser pirates revolt on their captain over small matters which may seem insignificant to you but to a pirate they mean everything. Mutiny is quite common put pirate captains don't mind because mutiny itself is awesome as they get to spend months on a desert island doing all sorts of manly things.

Narrator- Like what?

Pirate 5- Well like smashing their heads against large rocks to crack them open and reach the fresh water hidden within or setting themselves on fire just because the sun can't burn pirate skin and we enjoy feeling pain which is also a rarity for us as we have such a high pain tolerance.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- Because the name pirate derives from a word meaning robbery at sea, it is obvious that pirates spend most of their time out in the ocean. They do so aboard pirate ships which are the centre of nearly all pirate life. Out at sea pirates partake in battles amongst government ships as well as against their own and every now and then they land at a coastal settlement where they refuel in the means of raping the entire population of local woman (and local men if there are women pirates onboard) and looting all valuable property.

(Cuts to pirate 1)

Narrator- Why don't you tell us a bit about your experience with pirate ships?

Pirate 1- I will tell you only because I want to not because you asked. See that's what being a pirate is all about; doing what you want to do and ignoring everyone else's wishes, unless they too are pirates of course. Anyway pirate ships are really the best thing in pirating. It is a basis built on un-cleanliness and violence which involves us beating up a lot of people while catching scurvy and typhoid doing so. We only catch these diseases because we want to of course; pirates are naturally immune to all illness. I am lucky enough to be a crew member of a ship entitled 'The Disemboweler'. That's actually a rule of pirating right there; all pirate ships have to have awesome names to meet with the awesomeness onboard them. Just last week The Disemboweler travelled to the coastal town of Bermagui where we killed every single member of the population and devoured all their food supplies.

Narrator- And why do pirates do this? Why do pirates base all their work around acts of senseless violence rather then just loving everyone?

Pirate 1- …I beg your pardon?

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- Unlike such creatures as monkeys, pirates are fully aware of their awesomeness and often use it to full effect. But there is still debate over whether or not pirates are in fact the most awesome thing in all existence; a title they hold very dear to them. Many other races have claimed that they too are equal or even greater than pirates when awesomeness is compared.

(Cuts to pirate 3)

Pirate 3- Yes it is true that many other minorities are claiming to be more awesome than we are but that is nothing new really. We've had 'competition', if you could call it that, right from the get go. Vikings were pain for a while. Their awesome status seemed to double overnight at one stage but I think it's possibly because many people might have mistaken them as actually being pirates. You know, we both have lots of hair and operate on sea faring vessels and have a keen sense of pillaging but really Vikings just didn't have enough heart to contend for supreme awesomeness. All us pirates strutted onto our pirate ships and sailed north and put an end to all the debating the good old fashion way.

Narrator- So you think pirates are the most awesome thing on earth?

Pirate 3- Yes, without a doubt. In fact I believe that we are the most awesome thing in the entire universe, assuming that there are in fact extraterrestrial life forms populating liveable planets somewhere in deep space in which we can compare ourselves to. I really don't know as I'm no astronaut; I'm a pirate. But if I wanted to I could also be a space pirate because they're pretty awesome as well. Whether they're as awesome as full-blooded sailing pirates I can't say. It's an entire subgenre of pirating and a rather complex issue in short. But I can tell you that space pirates are more awesome then any aliens, unless they are of course alien pirates. Again that's a subgenre and something which cannot be discussed in brief. However, assuming that there are no other life forms apart from the ones that occupy planet earth then pirates are still the most awesome thing in the universe. All we would really be up against are red giants, supernovas and black holes. They're pretty awesome but no where near as awesome as pirates who like black holes can also operate as portals between dimensions. Like yesterday, I teleported to a dimension where pirates do not exist and the whole place just imploded cause of the sheer unbalanced levels of awesomeness. Yeah so to answer your question, pirates are just the most awesome thing. Ever.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- Races such as robots, cowboys, Nazis, zombies, lumberjacks and, most of all, ninjas have all claimed to be more awesome than pirates. Similarities between all these groups have been recognised over the years and greatly influenced awesomology or the study of awesomeness. Professors of awesomology, such as the great Sir Ivan Kellick, have dedicated their lives to understanding the mysterious ways in which awesomeness operates. Field work amongst pirates has been carried out by years, proving to be a deadly but rewarding process. Last years global first of an actually fight between a pirate, a ninja, a Nazi and a dinosaur caught on footage caused front page headlines and was the result of this field work that many awesomologists have devoted themselves to.

(Cuts to pirate 2)

Pirate 2- The thought of pirates being test subjects enrages me slightly as most things do to a pirate. There has been much discussion over the matter but the general thought is that those studying us are only doing so because they are so captivated by our awesomeness and who can blame them really. I know if I wasn't a pirate I would want to be pirate so every time I spot an awesomologists aboard my pirate ship I just pretend he's not there; better that one person pesters us as opposed to a whole population doing so.

Narrator- Obviously you would know about the famous four way fight between the pirate, the ninja, the Nazi and the dinosaur that was captured on video. Have you ever been experienced in a battle of similar circumstances?

Pirate 2- No, which shames me really. Pirates foremost fight themselves as we prefer opponents of equal ability because we are awesome. But fighting something like a Nazi for instance would be great as Nazi's are awesome themselves, clearly not as awesome as pirates but close, and there would be great satisfaction from defeating the Nazi because it would be proving the dominance of pirates to a group that wishes to challenge their position. I did fight a kraken once while out at sea. It kept throwing killer whales or orcas at me like aquatic missiles but I killed it easily enough. I didn't get much satisfaction out of it though because a krakens mind is only self concerning. Crustaceans tend to act out of threat of survival rather than conscious efforts to achieve awesomeness.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- Ninja's are also on the rise in popularity as a result of awesomeness. Ninja's originated in a secret lair in Ancient China thousands of years ago and have been assassinating things ever since. They awesomeness functions in an underground styled fashion with only those in the know-how actually able to experience the awesomeness of ninja's first hand as they are an extremely secretive group; tending to approach situation silently which separates them from their pirate counterparts whose presence is always well known. It cost me a co-worker or to but I was lucky enough to track down a ninja to interview about the tension mounting between the ninjas and the pirates.

(Cuts to ninja)

Narrator- So what are your personal thoughts about pirates in general?

Ninja- I personal believe that pirates of any kind are very over rated. Their awesomeness is based purely on an illusions or shroud that has been pulled over the public to influence them into thinking that the ways of the pirate is what awesomeness is all about when simply that is not true.

Narrator- So what is the definition of awesome?

Ninja- Ninja's of course. Take me for instance. I have all the qualities of a pirate plus more to boot. Unlike pirates who are rowdy and obnoxious I am mostly imperturbable yet I can flip out at any time and kill countless amounts of people without them ever knowing. Anything as self-promoting and boastful as a pirate can never really claim true awesomeness overall.

Narrator- So pirates are not the most awesome thing.

Ninja- Of course they aren't and even if they were they could not maintain it. You see, pirates are very simple once you get to know them. Normal people like you may never see it but others possessing awesomeness can see it clear as day; I mean even the lumberjacks agree on this one. Pirates are one dimensional despite their abilities to travel through different dimensions. They are one trick ponies while on the other hand we ninjas are ever increasing our range of awesomeness. Our advancements in the field of awesomeness are second to none. We've got this new inter-species breeding project that is coming along very nicely. I mean we've now got monkey ninjas, crab ninjas, used-car salesmen ninjas, midget ninjas, dragon ninjas, space ninjas you name it we've got it. The pirates have their subgenres but we can see through these subtle differences and know that it's just a pirate wearing a different hat or just a pirate with an elongated object pasted onto their forehead.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- A bitter rivalry has arisen specifically between pirates and ninjas over the past few years with no real end in sight. Fighting here cannot be used as a solution as if, predicted correctly, a fight was to break out between all pirates and ninjas, all life as we know it would be destroyed in the crossfire. Both groups are well aware of this and limit their fights due to knowledge that awesomeness would lose all value if life was to be wiped out. However there is possibility of a truce, a possibility that falls upon the shoulders of one man; a pirate-ninja by the name of Chuck Norris.

(Cuts to pirate 1)

Pirate 1- Chuck Norris is awesome.

(Cuts to pirate 3)

Pirate 3- Now there's someone who I would love to pillage with.

(Cuts to pirate 4)

Pirate 4- Man Chuck Norris is the shizzle, and I can say shizzle because I'm a pirate.

(Cuts to ninja)

Ninja- I F-ing love Chuck Norris.

(Cuts to narrator)

Narrator- As you can most likely see there are numerous similarities between pirates and ninjas. If these two groups were to combine then a nirvana-like state of awesomeness would rein throughout the heavens, or so the bible tells us. Until then we can only dream of what could be and continue to debate over whether or not pirates or ninjas are indeed the most awesome thing in existence.

The End