Chapter 3

You Don't Have To Go It Alone!

A characteristic many heroes share is a fierce spirit of independence and self-reliance. While this is all well and good, it is not particularly wise to embark upon journeys of unimaginable peril and hardship all by one's lonesome, because while you by now fully capable of making a foray into the unknown on your own, eventually others may become uninterested in solely hearing about your incredible skill, talent, and beauty. It's imperative that you not look at companionship as "sharing the glory," but merely providing a foil to your scintillating personality while making you look all the more fascinating by comparison.

A quest is not a quest without a proper Questing Band ™. Now, putting together a good Questing Band ™ is like brewing a very important potion. The ingredients must all be mixed in just the right combination for best affect, or consequences can be dire (unless, of course, your name is Mary Sue, in which case the way you do it is inevitably the right way regardless of the directions.) But, despite how it sometimes seems, each hero is different! Only you know what combination of companions is Right For You!

Provided you aren't currently suffering from amnesia, take some time to recall some of your past relationships: dear friends, bitter rivals, and affectionate sweethearts. Are you a sociable person? A people person? Do you get along well with others, forming mutual, long lasting friendships? Then it's time for a change, aspiring adventurer! While one would think that aligning yourself with the morally immaculate and socially adept will provide for a tightly-knit, loyal fighting squad, the laws of heroism once again defy all logic and reason!

Expect to constantly be at the throats of at least some of your adventuring party. If you really can't get yourself to take a scathing, spiteful tone against your allies (not that your humility or strong moral character stopped you from butchering thousands of monstrous humanoids with your incredible swordsmanship and deadly magic), fret not. Chances are, your more reprehensible companions will utterly loathe you without any assistance. Feel free to smile weakly or pity them for their ignorance. After all, they're only jealous of your boundless accomplishments and impeccable character.

For your convenience, the makers of this textbook have included a comprehensive list of the most popular Companion Types for you to choose from. Feel free to peruse the list and choose whichever combination suits your fancy!

Companion Types

Bookish Spellcaster

Possibly the rarest of the companion types, Bookish Spellcasters are elusive creatures who prefer dingy, dank, and dark towers to the open field and brutal elements. Refined and dignified in their own humble opinions, the Bookish Spellcaster is a formidable ally to have whenever you require archaic lore, scholarly wisdom, or something set on fire.

Pros: Bookish Spellcasters are, above all else, intelligent. This enables them to contribute exposition of the world on the once-in-a-blue-moon event that you haven't already. If nothing else, Spellcasters can be worked with to aid in making your magic sword even more mysterious by providing cryptic hints at its origin and latent powers.

Spellcasters also have control over the powerful but vague cosmic source that is magic. Whether they harness these powers through their hands, wands, or staves is irrelevant, as all magic ultimately amounts to the same effects: lightning bolts and fireballs(H). On the off chance that your Bookish Spellcaster can cast spells other than the elemental sort, you have on your hands a living, breathing plot device that can potentially get you out of any situation, provided the explanation is just convoluted enough to fool the observational bards without confusing them.

Cons: While Spellcasters are immensely book smart, they lack the critical street smarts that defines the adventurer. While in reality any truly intelligent individual is more than aware of mankind's inherent depravity, expect to have to pull these scholars out of a bind when they get in over their head and tangle with the wrong crowd.

Don't expect combat to become any easier when you recruit a Bookish Spellcaster. While they can cause the sturdiest of men to implode with the merest gesture or rain down fiery death on a vast scale, their death count will unexplainably fall short of what you can accomplish by swinging your sword. Furthermore, if you yourself are versed in the arcane arts, expect to be noticeably superior to your companion after a few weeks of training despite his or her lifelong dedication to the science.

If their relative weakness were not enough, Bookish Spellcasters are terribly, almost comically physically weak. The slightest breeze is usually more than enough to topple your master of the elements, let alone a lone henchman with a mace. Expect to come to their rescue almost as much as you would your female love interest.

Finally, Bookish Spellcasters are often aloof and conceited, which is most probably your niche. For the sake of avoiding redundancy you may want to dismiss any offers from Spellcasters should you be of the anti-hero persuasion.

(Heroine Note: If your Spellcaster is incurably female, expect their offensive abilities to be replaced by minor healing and generic force field spells. Be polite and refrain from inquiring as to how she expected to make a career on adventuring without any means of subduing hostilities)

Token Royalty

You're traveling along the outskirts of some kingdom and you're suddenly beset by a well dressed, noble, probably effeminately attractive prince or princess fleeing from a corrupt, kingly father or an insidious regicide movement bent on taking the throne. This sort of thing happens. Rather, this sort of thing happens to you, so why not take advantage of the situation? There's a good chance that the Token Royalty is, in fact, you, so be wary should you be of unknown lineage and pedigree (which, if you're doing this by the book, you should be).

Pro: If you're dealing with a prince count yourself blessed, as it's extremely likely that you have on your hands a skilled warrior and scholar who is significantly learned on multiple subjects you will probably never need insight on. If the member of the royal family happens to be unfortunately female, even better, as you've an experienced damsel in distress on your hands. Expect to run to her rescue multiple times throughout your adventure and use the tame, passionless kisses she awards you with afterwards as a springboard into a healthy, star-crossed romance! Relationships with royalty are classically the only kind that are worth having, as generations of careful inbreeding have probably made a gorgeous, brilliant, and all around perfect representation of the human race out of the prince or princess. When dealing with a princess make sure she sees the rugged, rustic side of your country upbringing which will undoubtedly enamor you to her eternally. While much rarer, it is not beyond the scope of your immense talents to attract a prince should you be gay (or a woman). By doing so you'll save future slash bards the trouble of rewriting your love story to include such a kinky affair.

Cons: While one would think an errant prince will lack the two things they commonly have that you could make use of (wealth and manpower), bear in mind that you, as an adventurer; mysteriously have just enough gold to purchase all the supplies you need and cannon fodder never does your dark lord any good, what would you use it for? What you should really be worried about is his snobbish disposition, which you will be at the point of throughout your merry quest. Rest easy knowing that he won't embarrass you around peasants and villagers, as while token royals are always condescending to you, they're also very enlightened and progressive and will treat such riffraff like equals, if only significantly inferior equals.

Dwarven Comic Relief

Most people claim to have never seen a dwarf because most people never bother to look down. If you don't know what a dwarf looks like just scan a tavern for a knee-high chap with spiked helmets and long beards and you've probably found yourself a dwarf or, failing that, a sick inside-joke of some of the more malevolent gods. Either way he'll suit your needs nicely.

Pros: Dwarves are universally male. Whether this means that dwarven women don't exist or merely don't show themselves is a question of debate but it benefits you in that you're guaranteed a combat savvy ally who won't quake under pressure. In this way their short size and stature will prove advantageous as everyone will misjudge their strength for being proportional to their size when in fact they can exert the same amount of force as a fully grown man. Unlike most logical inconsistencies that we justify with magic this one really doesn't make any sense and we ask you to just go with it.

The main reason you'd want to quest with a dwarf is that you have a source for fat, short, stupid, alcoholic, and ugly jokes all in one neat, tidy, stubby package. There's nothing more relieving minutes before an epic clash between good and evil than poking fun at a small hairy man too inebriated by his own fumes to walk in a straight line, let alone find which end of the charging orc his ax should go into. If anyone accuses you of being callous and cynical for treating another human being like dirt you can always politely point out that they are, in fact, merely dwarves.(A)

Cons: Dwarves do occasionally get kidnapped and it's a bit difficult to work up the motivation to enact a rescue. Dwarves usually have one glandular problem too many to fit into the "rosy cheeked maiden" category of damsel in distress and if your glorified footstool embodies any of those three characteristics you'll probably leave him to rot, thankful that his horrible visage isn't there to give you a deadly case of the willies.

Dwarves are good for laughs and not much else. If you expect a jolly, foul-mouthed, midget with a beard you can build a nest in to add any meaningful drama to your group dynamic you'll be sorely disappointed. Dwarves are moderately intelligent, though, and the diligent owner can train one to weep gruffly when a comrade passes or protest at villainous actions on command. If your dwarf is less obedient than most give one a bottle of ale and send him to a corner whenever a sentimental touch is required.

(Anti-hero note: Since your claim to fame relies on your being callous and cynical feel free to tell any critics to sod off while you backhand the wretchedness out of your stout sidekick)

Smoking Hot Elf Sidekick

Elves are a race of long eared, long haired, stick thin humanoids whose fashion senses never wanders far away from greens and browns. You'll likely meet one while wandering the forest, but if you're the classical adventure who swears by taverns, don't fret; elves go civilization-ing in the same way that nobles go slumming.

Pros: Elves are ALWAYS archers and are extremely good at it, so if you want to be able to turn all your various foes into living pincushions, it's nice to have one on your side. Failing that they're bound to at least know enough magic to toss a few fireballs around. No matter what their preferred method of enemy displacement is you can rely on them doing it in the prettiest, most agile way. In fact for what a pacifistic and merciful race they're supposed to be they've really gotten gory murder down to an art form which comes in handy as it'll distract every would be cynic from your less reputable actions while still allowing you to revel in their praise.

Elves live from hundreds of years to nigh on infinity, so to befriend one is to receive all the benefits of having an old person on your team, with none of the drawbacks. Elves will commonly insist that to earn the friendship of one is a long and arduous task given the innate distrust that comes when you've had plenty of time to walk up and down the block a few times. Don't let this discourage you, though, as any elf will likely align him or herself with you immediately when it becomes apparent that you're fighting for truth, honor, and justice and gods know you've learned to fake those qualities ages ago.

If your elf is of the opposite gender, it is widely agreed that Elves make the best love interests EVER on account of the aforementioned smoking hotness. Consider them to be the highbrow's alternative to the tavern wench and a good alternative to the kidnapped princess if you can't really be bothered to do any rescuing.(A)(H)

Cons: Elves are infinitely superior to all other races and don't like you to forget it. In their great age and wisdom, they will probably find you childish. They are relentlessly oppressed and thus often mistrust humans, and they are racist against dwarves (but then, so is everyone.) If the elf is your love interest, be forewarned that Society will disapprove and will cruelly marginalize all of your delightfully angsty half-breed children. And if your elf buddy is the same gender as you, you can kiss your fangirls goodbye; you'll be lucky if they find you worthy of being slashed with him.

Elves have an innate affinity with nature. While the green (no pun intended) hero would assume that this means that the very elements will side with them, that grizzly bears and mountain lions will rush to the aid of their stalwart defender, this is sadly not the case. You may think that their knowledge of local flora and their applications might at least prevent you from ingesting something poisonous, but you'd still be wrong. All your elf sidekick's eco-friendliness really amounts to is a bickering tirade whenever examples of industrialization or deforestation are presented to the party. If you visit a dwarven or human town that makes any use of steam power whatsoever be prepared to hear about it at length. Expect a single tear to be shed every time you cross a lumberyard if you're lucky; if you've gotten on the bad side of any gods you'll likely have the flaws of your simian heritage rubbed in your face until you're quite literally apologizing for being human.

(Anti-hero note: Elves are pretty interchangeable with vampires when it comes to love interests, so consider substituting your resident tree-hugger for a blood sucker. If nothing else it helps avoid the awkward conversation you have with father after your request to bring your elf lover over for supper gets misinterpreted (this is assuming, of course, that you haven't gotten around to killing him for whatever reason). Of course, if you have a vampire companion it raises some questions: Namely, where were you when they were passing out fangs? You're supposed to be the epitome of badass here, kid, so unless you're holding out for lycanthropy go and get yourself infected.

(Heroine Note: Human/elven relationships tend not to last when the human is female, due to the inevitable realization that your boyfriend is much, much prettier than you are and no amount of backwater medicine or high sorcery is going to get your hair that silken or your eyelashes that long.)

Really Obvious Traitor

The more complication you encounter on your Epic Quest™, the more interesting of a story your quest will be. One quick and easy way to throw a properly theatrical but – as always – easily removed wrench into your own operation is to befriend a Really Obvious Traitor who will sell you out to your Arch Nemesis at a crucial time.

Pros: Really Obvious Traitor is, well, really obvious, and comes in two easily recognizable patterns, Pathetic and Unabashedly Sleazy.

Really Obvious Traitors of the Pathetic variety will be long-standing members of the Questing Band™ serving the function of Cook's proverbial Guy Nobody Likes and will exhibit warning signs such as sulkiness, inability to cope with rejection, overall physical and spiritual weakness, a penchant for petty insults, jealousy towards you and your companions, and a tendency to fail at everything. He will be constantly at your throat and will probably serve the function of The Token Doubter, constantly whining that your brilliant plan won't work without offering any alternatives and refusing to recant when he is inevitably proven wrong ad infinitum.

Really Obvious Traitors of the Unabashedly Sleazy variety will usually show up as trusted friends of another member of the party, offering to "help out." They will be perfectly nonchalant and charming, and infuriatingly good with women .(H)(A) Unabashedly Sleazy traitors are also good ways to prove your infallibility – you will inexplicably be the only member of the party to distrust them and in the end will be able to tell everyone that you told them so. (They love it when you do that. Really.) But ultimately, rest assured knowing that your Really Obvious Traitor will be detectable as such from miles away (if your adventure is taking place within the context of a 1970s film, consider yourself all the more blessed, as your Really Obvious Traitor will be even more conspicuous for being the only black man who exists anywhere (see: Star Wars, Jesus Christ Superstar) and that you will not need to go through the emotional upheaval of being betrayed by someone you actually liked.

Cons: Really Obvious Traitors of the Pathetic variety are very annoying, and you will tire of them quickly. Their acts of treason generally will not occur until shortly before the final struggle, so you will be forced to be patient with them (though by all means attempt to speed them up by flaunting your superiority in front of them as often as possible.) This brand of traitor will also be totally useless in battle. On the contrary, Unabashedly Sleazy traitors will sometimes be a little too helpful, even to the point of showing you up. Ultimately, though, the primary caveat to Really Obvious Traitors is that their treachery sometimes results in the death of another companion, usually the most innocent, purest of heart or generally most beloved. This loss is a detriment to your strength in numbers, and angsting is a waste of time you may or may not be able to afford. Angst anyways. The Hero's List of Privileges made your angsting privileges unlimited.*

(Heroine Note: Should you come across an Unabashedly Sleazy traitor, do not expect to be able to see his game; your feminine weakness is still a factor, as always. Expect to be swept off your feet by his charm and gallantry while the good-judge-of-character niche is filled by your love interest. Consider this a prime opportunity to confirm said love interest's official narrative claim on you by intentionally provoking the aforementioned irrational jealousy and hostility!)

(Anti-Hero Note: Remember to make sure your love interest feels as much of your snarky, wounded man-ego's ire as her temporary flame. Being a jerk is part of your charm, and it gives you something else to bicker about.)

(* Additional Note: If you feel the cons outweigh the pros, do yourself a favor and avoid any short, overweight, or greasy fellows, swashbucklers, and rats with an irregular number of digits.)

Sneaky Thief

Be wary of this classification, for not every thief falls into this category. Impoverished street urchins who steal for a living are usually not Sneaky Thieves, and Rob-The-Rich-Feed-The-Poor Thieves (also known as Communists) are only sometimes Sneaky Thieves.

Pros: Your thief is all the things that ought to go along with a thief: clever, a quick thinker, good at hiding in the shadows (if you need someone to spy for you, here's your guy), witty, and all in all very useful. Sneaky Thieves are often well-endowed in the street smarts department, and among other things are quick to detect a trap. Sneaky Thieves also rarely get kidnapped.

Sneaky Thieves also have the dubious advantage of "knowing a guy." His ties with the criminal underworld and mob families are usually extensive and hopefully genial. He probably isn't charismatic enough to score you any help in the way of manpower, but if there's a sewer system or secret passage that needs to be accessed to sneak into the local castle/dungeon/tower expect your Sneaky Thief to have the connections to make this happen.

Cons: Sneaky Thieves are snarky bastards and their sarcasm will grow old quickly, especially as most of it will be directed at you. Unless he's a Steals For The Thrill Thief, he will probably be monetarily motivated and want to know what in it for him – don't try to recruit him unless you've got a good answer. Sneaky Thieves are often morally ambiguous, so do take care that yours does not sell you out to the highest bidder (should he do so, the appropriate course of action is to bellow pitifully at his retreating back until he is out of sight, console your other companions with elaborate lamenting for your having been so trusting, and wait for him to have a miraculous change of heart and rescue you at the nick of time). And unless you can get your enemy's backs turned long enough for your dashing rogue to plunge a knife into it, he's going to be as efficient in combat as a damsel with a butter knife.

Telepathic Animal Sidekick

It can take some time before you can scrounge together some humanoid companions, so you may require a talking animal that's human enough to hold a conversation with but animal enough to be shoved into the background when you find someone with more depth.

Like many of your traveling companions, Telepathic Animal Sidekicks come in two basic flavors: Comic Relief and Lifelong Companion. The former will likely take the form of a small animal, such as a rodent or cat. The latter can take any number of shapes, from dragon to shape-shifting spiritual manifestation. Don't be overly concerned about acquiring one, yourself, as Telepathic Animal Sidekicks will always find their way to you through destiny, fraternity, or boredom.

Pros: Lifelong Companion Animal Sidekicks will often end up becoming quite useful in combat and have a myriad of useful but poorly established magical abilities that they possess "just because."

Outside of combat Lifelong Companions will provide you with the often overlooked ability to talk to yourself without actually talking to yourself. As these brand of Animal Companions are essentially a smaller piece of your quintessential self you will find they will frequently chance upon astute insight into your immense and complicated identity should you prove to be too lazy or not introspective enough to do your own soul searching.

Sadly, Comic Relief animal companions seriously lack in individual benefits. They do, however, share the boons common to both varieties of Telepathic Animal Sidekicks. Both are completely loyal to your cause and will follow you to the ends of the world no matter how tantalizing your nemesis (who's undoubtedly jealous that he doesn't have one of his/her own) makes the alternative. Also, as an Animal Sidekick's livelihood is often linked to your own mortality, they are immortal by proxy barring your own demise. But let's face it, if you're dead there's hardly going to be any hard feelings for your silly animal companion.*

(* Additional Note: Owls are, for whatever reason, exempt from this durability.)

Token Tough Chick(H)

If you don't want to appear sexist, but are, Token Tough Chick is a great way to make it appear as if women on your adventure are actually accomplishing something!

Pros: Though she talks a great game, Token Tough Chick does not actually pose a threat to your comfortable chauvinism: although her entire character revolves around the fact of her being As Good As The Guys, all of the important accomplishments will still inexplicably be made by you and your other male companions. Token Tough Chicks are always, ALWAYS drop-dead gorgeous (without trying, natch, as maintaining one's appearance through actual effort is clearly the mark of a weak woman: read, all women but her) and make great Bickering Love Interests. If being yelled at is your kink, this is the girl for you. Token Tough Chicks have an ever-so-slightly lower rate of being kidnapped than most female companions and almost never die angsty deaths. Token Tough Chicks also, and very notably, wear pants, which gives them several advantages over most female companions when things get dangerous, and while they are useful in battle, they will never show you up.

Cons: Token Tough Chicks are really pretty annoying. They are known to talk a great deal, and at top volume, all the time. Their egos are enormous and they are easily insulted. Token Tough Chicks are hot-tempered and prone to fly into a rage when extended common courtesy. They often operate under the principal of "I'm allowed to say it, but you aren't" (they will never miss an opportunity to draw attention to their woman-in-a-man's-role status, but will try to cut your head off if you mention it), which makes it difficult to avoid offending them. Token Tough Chicks are very contrary and will run off to do whatever you told them not to do simply to prove that they're capable of doing it (but always with disastrous results – she is a woman, after all. This is both a caveat and a silver lining: it will prove an annoying setback to your operation, but you will always be proven right. Naturally, when you defy advice or orders and do something astonishingly bold/stupid, everything goes splendidly.)

(Herione Note: It is extremely possible that this is you; if this is the case, DO NOT under any circumstances adopt a second one into your party of adventurers. In fact, heroines ought to be wary of this archetype no matter what. As fierce crusaders for women's liberation, you would expect Token Tough Chicks to have a strong sense of sisterhood and female camaraderie, but in fact the reverse is true. Token Tough Chicks scorn not only dresses, but all who wear them, and no matter what the circumstances she will find an excuse to pride herself on being more Grrl Power-y than you and, really, women everywhere. Avoid Token Tough Chicks for your own sake; if you are one, avoid other women for their sakes.)

Wise Old Mentor

Heroes are known, among other things, for their ability to master extremely difficult skills in a suspiciously short period of time. This is all very good, of course – but remember that part of your charismatic appeal is that, in spite of being talented, good-looking and incredibly important, you're just a regular guy. People will want to see that you have earned your abilities fair and square. But never fear! We have come a long way since the days when an aspiring hero had to train for years to attain proficiency, let alone greatness, in swordsmanship or spellcasting. Due to the increasing demand for quick fixes in today's convenience culture, most elite warriors now offer week-long crash-courses in the ass-kicking strategy of your choice. The teacher of yours will immediately recognize your great importance and take you under his or her wing, becoming your Wise Old Mentor.

Pros: The Wise Old Mentor fulfills two primary functions – to serve as an explanation for where your unlikely fighting prowess came from, and to reinforce your greatness by means of comparison. Your Wise Old Mentor, back in the day, was the best of the best at what s/he did; if you can best him/her at it upon completion of a week-long training period, your greatness must be beyond measure (or so the assumption goes, even though your mentor is always old and feeble by the time you compete with him or her; rest assured that no one will think to question whether you could have bested your mentor while s/he was in his/her prime.) Your Wise Old Mentor will be connected in some way to your past or present struggle (usually through some lifelong friendship and/or intrigue involving your parents/nemesis/both) or very knowledgeable about current events, and so will undoubtedly have useful information for you far beyond the scope of your instruction in combat. Also, it is acceptable for Wise Old Mentors to be women, and we encourage you to take advantage of this fact, as it gives you automatic ammunition against those pesky sexism charges, without the pain of dealing with a Token Tough Chick.

Cons: The statement that your Wise Old Mentor will take you under his or her wing does not imply that s/he will be nice to you. Although some are known to be grandfather/motherly types, most Wise Old Mentors run the gamut from gruffly civil to verbally abusive. Wise Old Mentors are also the only Companion Type currently known to have a 100% mortality rate, and they have a nasty habit of withholding important secrets until moments before they croak. If possible choose a straight-talking one so you get the entire secret instead of just some inane hint. Feel free to use this impending death sentence to your advantage, as while Wise Old Mentors will infallibly fall to an enemy blade or arrow, they will only ever do so when said blade or arrow is set on a course to your vital bits. If you're the resourceful type consider viewing your teacher as a Get Out of Death Free card that serves the additional function of allowing you to angst over his or her demise, thus building character depth. Furthermore, if your particular mentor is proving to be much more old than wise, you may want to intentionally place yourself in jeopardy to free yourself of the burden and get a useful sword in the process.

Ultimately it is only a formality to include the Wise Old Mentor with your other companion options – far from optional, Wise Old Mentors are actually a Questing Band™ requirement, much like Love Interests.

These are only some of the more unique party members. If you're worried that having such a diverse Questing Band will detract attention away from the main attraction (read: you) feel free to pad it with generic townsfolk, such as random pedestrians, tavern brawlers, or a friend from your home town (provided, of course, that it wasn't burnt down).

It is imperative for you to realize that you by no means have to get along with your motley band of misfits and rapscallions, just that they're a means to an end. Somehow, no matter how much infighting there was in your questing band, you will all emerge from the ordeal convinced that your lives have been woven together by the forces of destiny and you all share an unbreakable bond forged in the flames of adversity, and you will all reunite happily for the sequel, at which point some of you will be married and the others will be given hasty, mildly nonsensical subplot romances to compensate for how uninteresting protagonists and their love interests are once they've tied the knot.