Wow! ok I know it took me forever to get this last chapter out. But I have eventually gotten there, it's here. It took me forever to egt around to writing it, I just wasn't sure with what I was doing. And well a million other things, anyway hope you enjoy.
In my own time- Delta Goodrem
I wasn't quite sure how long I had stayed on the swing, but it was extremely late when I finally decided to make my way back home. My mind had cleared only slightly, but now I was in a daze, as the initial shock kind of eased, and I began to numb out of the thoughts.
I don't even remember actually getting home; I just know that I did. It wasn't my mind that got home, just my body, a part of me was still in the park, on that swing. I guess a part of me wanted to stay there. The part of me, that didn't want to face anything, that was still on the run.
This state of mind leaves you feeling as if you're an observer, rather than a participant. Kind of like I was outside of my life looking in, and in a way it helped. A part of me just needed to feel unattached to all the mess surrounding me. Then I could just for awhile not be surrounded by guilt, and about a bazillion other emotions, I didn't want to deal with.
It was only through this state that I was finally able to fall asleep. It was this state which helped me to find some semblance of peace, if only for the night. If only for a little while I could finally rest my body and soul, let go for just the time being, as temporary as that might be.
I don't know what I dreamt that night, I only know that I woke feeling happier then I had in a very long time. I remembered how peaceful it all was, and the harmonic feeling the carried through to the next morning.
No matter how peaceful that was; it didn't seem to be meant to last. As the minute I was up, it all came back into reality. And my numbness evaporated completely.
I could distinctly hear whispered two voices, and I knew exactly who they were, I didn't even have to think about it. It was my parents, and from the sounds of it, they weren't looking to be over heard. I sighed knowing I had to get up, I had to face them, it was essentially now or never. Though I did hope it would be never.
With a sigh, I let my legs fall over the side of the bed, and pushed myself into a sitting position. I rubbed the sleep out my eyes, and made my way very slowly toward the kitchen. I could hear noises coming from that direction, so I figured that someone was in there. It was just a question of who?
When I finally reached the kitchen, I was pleased to see that it was Haley.
When I entered she looked up and smiled, though I could tell from the glassiness of her eyes that she had been crying. I knew she was trying to hide it, but really wasn't doing a very good job. Her emotions were pretty much always out there, open for the world to see.
So without any words I walked over to her, and pulled her into a hug. She hugged me back, letting her head fall onto my shoulder. And that was when the tears began to fall. I felt them along with the shaking of her shoulders, and instinctively held on tighter.
The crying continued for another ten minutes or so, and Haley pulled back, her skin blotchy, and her eyes slightly red. I didn't ask what it was, because from the look on her face, I knew she was about to tell me anyway.
"I'm sorry about that." She said eventually, taking a deep breath. "It's just it all hit me, you know. Mum and dad getting together, everything that has happened over the years." She paused for a moment, before looking at me. "The way they hurt you Sum... you're the most important thing in my life, and I don't want anyone hurting you."
I was speechless for the longest of moments; it was hard to really take in her words. After everything we had been through, she still care that much about me, she still wanted to protect me. It was the sweetest thing I had ever heard, the most loved I had ever felt. And in that moment, I knew that the most important thing in my world was my sister. She was really the only person I needed, and that was what it should be, at least for now anyway.
"Haley... what on earth would I do without you." I said, hugging her again.
"I love you Summer" she said back, kissing my cheek.
I smiled, because there was nothing else I could do. So I smiled and said "I love you too". And it was one of those times in your life, which you will never forget. When all wrong is forgotten and forgiven.
This was something that needed to happen. We had each other, so no matter what happened with our parents we wouldn't have to deal alone. We would support each other just like we used to, except Haley would no longer be my mother, just a sister. Which is exactly what she should have been all along.
When I finally let go of her, it was like all the tension had dissipated. We were just like we always were, and so much more. And that was really great, because it meant at least something in my life wasn't completely screwed up, something was back on track.
Now the only real problems were: My parents and my love life, and neither seemed to be going anywhere near being fixed.
I kept thinking about everything what had happened, and it just didn't make sense to me. I mean the problem was, I didn't know what I wanted, and so I couldn't make a real decision.
This was what found me sometime later, just lying on the couch, lost in my own thoughts. Well that was until the doorbell rang, and scared the hell out of me.
I jumped, and landed on the ground. I got up, rubbing the part of my butt which had hit the ground, and made my way to the door.
I don't know exactly who I was expecting, but let's just say, I wasn't expecting him.
I opened the door, coming face to face with Jesse. I was shocked, to say the least, so my reaction was merely my mouth hanging open, with the rest of me, completely frozen.
From the look of him, I could tell he was nervous about being here.
"Hi Jesse" Was what came out eventually, after the first initial shock had worn off.
"Hi" He replied, somewhat shuffling his feet.
"Is there a reason you're here?" I asked in a small but cautious voice.
"Yeah there is."
I didn't wait for him to say more, Instead I moved aside so that he could enter the house. He seeming to be building up courage to say whatever it was that he came to say
At first it was just an awkward silence, and I didn't know what to do. There really was nothing that I could say, that would make it less awkward. Jesse was here for a reason, so I just had to let him get it out on his own.
Which eventually he did. Though he was rubbing his palms over his jeans indicated he was nervous.
"I know your probably wondering why I'm here." He said taking a deep breath. "Well the thing is, I've been thinking. Mainly about everything that has happened, and well... I just kept coming to the same conclusion, that I love you."
I looked up at him startled, not quite sure where he was going.
"What exactly does that mean?" I asked needing to get it out in the open.
"Well, I really want to ask you if you want to forget about it, and we can move on."
My heart stopped. I didn't know whether I should be happy or what, my heart had no idea how to react, and neither did my body. Jesse was giving me a chance, but the problem was, I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted, or what I needed.
"I don't know" I replied truthfully. "My life is so messed up, and I really love you...but I just need to think."
"I understand." Jesse said, putting his hands into his pockets. "I just want you to have that to think about" He said then kissed my cheek and left.
For the next half an hour, I did just sit there. I was thinking about everything that had happened, about my relationship with Jesse. I knew I loved him, there was no doubt about that, but I didn't know if I could live with what had happened just yet. I needed to find my own peace with it, to move on before I could properly make that choice.
I guess I needed to find a reason for why I did it. If I didn't know what made me cheat, then how could I trust myself, I had to find that something within me. That was just something that no one else could possibly help me with, that was my own little journey.
Searching my entirety was not exactly something that's easy to do. Most people went their whole lives without actually ever knowing who themselves, without actually ever knowing and being comfortable who they really are.
I really didn't actually know what I wanted with my life; I didn't know what I was doing with myself. The point was I wasn't entirely positive that right now was the time to find me. There were a bazillion things I had to do first, so much that had to be figured out.
The whole thing with my parents was just a starting point. I had to figure out how I was meant to deal with that, how I could look at them. It hurt more than anything; it almost hurt more than I thought that it could, almost more than when they had broken up. I felt rejected back then, now I felt betrayed. And I wasn't really sure which one of those emotions was worse, which one caused me the most pain.
Then Jesse drops an impromptu bomb on my head, and drains whatever's left over of my sanity. Every problem is leaning on each other, all in its own little circle. None coming with an answer or a solution, without all the others being fixed first, but that never happens, which is slightly ironic.
Groaning with frustration, I dropped my head into my hands. It was just all too much to deal with, the guilt out weighing everything else. I could feel a headache coming on, and it did not really feel like a good one. In fact it was going to be the worst one yet.
The thing that I needed most right now, was sleep. Maybe if I went to sleep than I could finally find myself some semblance of peace, without going numb.
A few hours later I woke, feeling a chill pass through my room. I looked up from where my head rested on the pillow, and noticed that my bedroom window was still open. I walked over to the other side of my room, instinctively wrapping my arms around my body, as a protection from the cold air surrounding me.
I put my hands up on the window to get ready to pull it down. Instead of closing it however, I stopped short. Standing just outside, I saw what I beyond anything had not been expecting. Brendon was there, a sheepish smile on his face and looking as good as ever.
"Can I come in?" he said. "It's absolutely freezing out here."
Getting over my shock rather quickly, I nodded. Unable at that point to actually form cognitive sentences. Stepping back from the window, to give Brendon enough room to step inside. Though once inside, I crossed my arms straight back over my chest.
Taking in a deep breath, I had to ask. "Brendon, what are you doing here?"
"I figured it was best to talk to you, I mean after everything. I couldn't stop thinking about you."
I stopped and really looked at him. "So then, why not the front door?" I replied, a somewhat honest smile gracing my lips.
"Hmm, well it was a kind of I didn't really want to see Haley. Especially after you know she found out about us."
"How did you know I told her?" I asked, taking a seat on the edge of my bed.
"Well she kind of called me, and gave me a massive serve about the whole thing. She really cares about you, you know?" I smiled.
"Yeah I do. She would hate me right now, if we weren't really close." I looked up at him, and then motioned for him to sit down. "I probably would be a mental head case if we hadn't of been."
Brendon laughed. "Yeah, well you are lucky to have that tie with her. I left my family, and well none of them really care about my whereabouts."
I saw a flash of something in Brendon's eyes, which did more than soften my heart. His words hit close to home, and made me realise something. I cared about him in more ways than I thought. Truth it hadn't really developed in to love, I mean it doesn't exactly happen like that. It takes time; it takes so much more than a lot of physical encounter. Well and a few nights together, ok well and days.
"Well, Haley is all I have. I can't imagine what it would be like, not to have anyone."
Brendon sighed. "Yeah well, it's not exactly like I liked them much anyway. Besides, my fucked up past is not why I came here."
"Well, yeah I kind of figured about that much." I stated, smiling at him. "But I don't know what to say about all that other stuff, too much is going on for me to even think."
"I don't want to burden you." He stated turning his eyes to mine. "But Summer, I think I feel more for you than I thought."
I didn't even see it happen, it came so quickly. But Brendon kissed me; he kissed me like I never thought he would. It was like Jesse's kisses, only Brendon had a fire in him, that Jesse could never possess. It drew me in, and I had no way out of it.
Before I knew it, I was kissing him back. It had happened so many times it was like a second nature, the way our bodies instinctively went together. It was almost as if we there was no control over the actions, a primal instinct beyond any form of control.
I could feel his lips, his body on mine. It was nothing like anything I had ever experienced with anyone else. In that instant it was clear in my mind why I had done what I had done.
I had spent so much of my life being responsible. I had the perfect boyfriend, never really went wild or rebellious. Brendon was that one thing I had never done, he was my chance at finally letting go, and then it ended up being so much more than that. He was greater than anything, in the end it had ended up being more than just my rebellion, or just another good girl gone bad.
Brendon's hands on my skin interrupted my thoughts, and sent my body into convulsions at the sensation. It was amazing, the way his touch could make me feel, no one else could make me feel it.
"I can't believe how much I want you." He said kissing down my neck, and pulling my shirt over my head.
"You took the words right out of my mouth." I replied, kissing him harder.
The next part was lost in clothes flying across the room, and the sounds of heavy breathing. Then everything was simply meshed into one memory which would stay with me, until the very day that I died.
The best part of it all I suppose, was the fact that this time there didn't have to be guilt. We were both single, we were free to do whatever it was we wanted. I don't think you need me to tell you what we apparently wanted to do. If you haven't really caught on, then you seem to be just a little slow, and past all hope.
The rest of the night went by quite well. It was the next morning which was slightly more awkward.
I think there is something about nights which seem to make your brain lose a little something. In the morning you realise that you shouldn't have maybe gone nearly that far. All of a sudden you open your eyes, and just think 'shit'.
That was exactly how my morning turned out like, It was strange to say the least.
I didn't feel bad when I opened my eyes, but when I looked over I noticed him there. It was a weird sensation, I felt like I'd maybe done something wrong, but not in the same sense that I already had done before.
Brendon opened his eyes at about this point, and the expression on his face was unreadable. I knew that it was something I didn't need to see, something that wouldn't mean any good.
"That shouldn't have happened." I said before Brendon could get a word in.
"I don't see why not." He replied, looking slightly annoyed.
I sighed not really wanting to deal with this right now. I got up and started to get dressed, before I turned back to him.
"Brendon, I can't do it. Right now is not the right time for me. And before you start, I know how cliché that sounds, but there is no other way of putting it." I stopped for a second to take a breath. "My life is a mess, I don't know what to do, there are so many choices, and I'm completely confused. Jesse tells me he still loves me, you come here, my parents get back together. Then to top it all off I'm leaving.
"I'm going off to school, and I won't be able to sort this all out there. I just want this to be over, but I know it won't be. So here's what I'm thinking, I'm thinking that maybe what I need is me time. I need to figure myself out before I get into all this weird mumbo jumbo."
Brendon looked up startled for a second, but then what I saw. Well, it made me know that deep down inside it was all ok, he understood. It was just telling Jesse I had to worry about, that was the hard part.
I made my revelation somewhere during the night, I finally found part of my answer. It was in no way a conclusion, but I was getting there. One way or another it was settling into something somewhat normal, or as normal as I could expect. And I suppose, that was as good as I was going to get.
Brendon got up and sat on the end of the bed, and I sat next to him. "I think you just need to be happy." Brendon said, than sighed. "Even though I would love to be the one you want."
I smiled. "Well maybe one day, when I figure all this stuff out. Till then, I don't think I can deal with the emotional stress."
Brendon gave me a genuine smile. "Well hopefully I'll be around when that happens. But right now, I should probably get out here. You're sister would kick my arse."
I smiled at him, and stood up. "Well yeah! That might be the smart thing to do."
Brendon kissed me on the cheek, then got up, put the rest of his clothes on, and crawled back out the window. I waved goodbye, and then fell back onto my bed. My brain frizzled into a state of nothing for a second, before a loud knock came at my door.
I didn't bother getting up, I really couldn't be arsed getting up. The fact of the matter was, it was only probably someone who meant nothing to me at this moment. I didn't want to deal with this close after Brendon left, which was a good thing her did.
However, that didn't seem to be a problem for them, and the next thing I know my father is standing inside my room.
"Can I talk to you?" he asked, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Sure I spose." I said sitting up.
"This thing that's happening, well I didn't want to hurt you." He said, almost bordering on sincerity. I snorted.
"Cause you both care so much about my emotions." I said, feeling my temper start to kick in again.
My father came and sat on the end of my bed. "I don't want to fight with you Summer; I don't want it to be like this. I never really planned on any of this!" he said with a sigh.
"Did you think, that I wanted any of this? As if my life needed any more drama." My father put a hand on my shoulder.
"You couldn't imagine the guilt I felt over you Sum, but I just had no idea what to say or do." I sighed.
"I just wanted you to try. I don't think that I will ever completely forgive you for everything that has happened." I rubbed my temples, and tried to get my thoughts right. "Haley was all I had for a long time, and you can't expect me to forgive that woman."
"That woman is your mother." He replied, almost snapping.
"I know that." I snapped back. "But she hasn't exactly ever been a mother to me. She never cared, that was part of the reason you left, or have you forgotten about that."
"No I haven't" he replied, looking at me with a sigh, as if he knew it was futile.
Than before I knew he had left the room. With a sigh I dropped back on my pillows, wondering what on earth else could happen. If this day went any better, than my mother would barge in, and god I would need to be restrained, or risk strangling her.
Ignoring the guilty feelings in the back of my mind, I let myself doze off, not really asleep, but somewhere in between. During this time I had decided however, that tomorrow I was going to tell Jesse that whole finding myself speech. It would be a really good idea to get it over and done with, considering I was leaving very soon. But first I was going to spend some quality time with myself, have the rest of the day, be a me day. I really needed it.
The next day was daunting, but not quite as daunting as the other time I had gone to see him. I could also only imagine what kind of reception I would get from his family. I spent like ten minutes in the car, just merely practising what I was going to say.
A final decision had me on my feet, and walking up the steps.
Taking a deep breath I knocked on the door, knowing that this would be easier than the other things I had faced. And a part of me knew, that Jesse would understand, that he could accept it. Well at least a part of me was optimistic about it.
The door opened, on the startled face of Jesse. Obviously I wasn't expected to just show up out of nowhere.
"Can't saying that I was expecting you." He said, a nervous smile on his face.
'Yeah, well I have some things that I need to tell you." I replied, trying to force a genuine smile on my face, but I felt that it faltered just slightly.
"Ok well, we should talk about this outside." I nodded, and Jesse led to the side of his house, which led onto a garden of sorts. It was really beautiful, and something I always loved being around.
"I don't know how you're going to take, but it's about what you said to me yesterday." I said, looking up at Jesse's face.
"So I'm guessing it's not entirely good then." He replied, letting out a long breath.
I nodded. "It's going to sound pathetic, but I just I need to say it anyway." I paused for a second to get my bearings. "Jesse I love you more than anyone, you are my first love and I'll always remember that. But I learnt something out of all of this, and that's that I need to find myself. I don't know me; I have spent too much time on everything else. I need time to figure all that out, before I'm ready to figure this out."
I stopped and look up again, to notice that Jesse had an uncertain look on his a face.
"Can't say that I'm not disappointed Sum, but there isn't really anything I can do. I understand, well as much as I can understand anyway."
I smiled up at him, there brought him into a hug, which startled him. He returned it, and kissed my temple.
"I hope it all turns out for you. Oh and I love you too."
I smiled and let go of him, taking a few steps back. "I hope you find all the happiness that you can have." I replied, turning to leave. "Bye Jesse."
I walked out to the car; the strange thing was it hurt my heart to leave. I could feel some part of me slowly break, I guess it might be just hard to say goodbye. I guess it doesn't matter really what it was, but I felt something inside me break. The tears began slowly, but they came. It felt like I was saying goodbye to the first love of my life, and that is not exactly something that is easy to do.
A week was passing, and I was about o leave. It felt sad in a way to be leaving it all behind, even if all the memories were not exactly happy. It was my home; it had been my home for a very long time. Even bigger than that, I was now leaving Haley behind.
This was the biggest change in my life, the biggest thing that would ever happen. Leaving would be scary, but somehow I knew that it would be ok.
I picked up my last bag, and took a look around the room. Taking in one last moment before I went out to the car. Haley was standing at my door, with a hand on her hip and a smile on her face.
"Hey Sum, we leaving sometime today." She said laughing.
"Just taking in one final moment." I said, giving her a big smile.
"Ok well, I think we should get going, I don't like driving in the dark."
"Yeah yeah, I'm ready to go." I said, hauling my backpack over my shoulder. "Let's get this show on the road."
I was about to walk out, when Haley stopped me. "Are you going to say goodbye to mom?" she asked, in all seriousness. I sighed.
"Well I wasn't really planning on it." Haley sighed.
"I think you should." She replied, then turned and headed out to the car.
I walked into the living room where I noticed my mother sitting on the couch. I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I sat down next to her.
"I just wanted to say goodbye." I said, sounding slightly unsure.
"I'm sorry." She blurted out. I shook my head, and for the first time in a long time gave her a hug.
"How about we save that for the holidays." I replied, getting up and walking out the door.
When I got into the car I smiled over at Haley, and she smiled back. One last time I took a look back at the house, and sighed. I was saying goodbye to all my problems, and I was leaving this behind. And well as corny as it sounds, I was getting a new start. It was the start of something new, and I couldn't have been happier.
It had been a weird time in my life, started out as the biggest mistake I had ever made. And well I still wish that maybe it had gone differently, but I couldn't change it. I had to except it, and I suppose I was learning, and I guess it was all going to be ok. And one day I might just find the perfect man for me.
So that was the last chapter, I hope you all enjoyed, I'm not sure how I feel. It deffinitley could be better, but I'm too sick to care, I have a horrible cold and can barely breathe right now. Anyway please give me feed back.
Oh and I am thinking about doing a sequal, but I want to know what others think first. I don't want to start unless I know people will read.
kbelle 1- Here is a chapter for you.
tanya2byour21- I hope that this final chapter did not disapoint, and there was some brendon, Summer time.
Nerdette- Short and sweet, hope you like this.
Whitney92- Hope this live sup to your expectations lol.
Thank you, and please drop me a line. Oh and I'm writing a few stories rigth now that I need help with, so if anyone would like to please send me a message. over and out.