A/N: Here it is, folks! The new, hopefully improved, version of To Find Yourself. Maybe I'll get even more reviews this time? (Hint, hint!)

Warnings: Slash, rape, self-harm, language, and drug abuse. Reader, beware!

Prologue

I couldn't take it. The feeling of suffocation, the fear. I would feel as if I were running from something in a nightmare and couldn't escape it. I knew, in some deep recess of my mind, that I was heading nowhere, that I was just sitting there, and nothing was coming for me, but the feeling, it was too fucking real.

All I needed to do was take one, measly little pill, pop it in my mouth, and happiness would be back again. Sanity would return. So I did what I thought I had to do; I would take the pill. I realized, even then, that what I was doing was wrong, but it made me feel so much better…the world was easier to take when I was high.

Why was the world so bad without the pill? Because, quite frankly, I'd always been an outcast. My parents were religious fanatics who could care less about me, unless I got in trouble. As for friends? I had my Aunt Lori, and my little brother Elijah. I also had Adam Harkniss and Steve Warner. It was Steve who introduced me to Ecstasy, which soon became my life.

That is, until I met him. Who was he, you ask? He was the most complicated, difficult son-of-a-bitch I had ever known. And the best thing that ever happened to me. He waltzed into my life, and flipped it upside down, and in its place, he created a new life, one that was much more satisfying.

But it wasn't easy getting that new life. We've had a lot of rough places where it seemed that things would be ending sooner than we thought. And now, we're in one of those rough places again. I don't know what to do, and I'm starting to lose it again. The only way I can get anyone to understand this situation is to tell the story, from the beginning up to this point.

So, here we go…