Goal, goal, goal, goal ...

I'm back! Oh yes, I'm writing and I'm back. I'm back and I'm writing. Either way, I'm back, I'm writing and you're reading … right? Right?

And finally, my name is actually Sammy :D it's not short for Samantha, though. Call me Samantha and I will instantly hate you. Imean it.

Moving on.

I swear I want to KILL my English teacher.

Okay, this isn't hatred because I got a bad grade. Surprisingly, I'm actually GOOD at English. But anyway, having just moved back from CA (American land was lovely, but oh, the relief of seeing cars that aren't bigger than my kitchen), I hand in my essay and this cunt, for lack of a better word, decides that my essay was too good and that that I had plagiarised it.

Okay, look, moron. You've never taught me. I handed in five essays to you that were exactly the same in quality. You even entered my essay into a program and got nothing because guess what, I didn't copy it! And then he's like "yes, but we do this with anyone we think has talent, just to check …" Even when it proved that I could not have cheated on the essay because I wrote on a topic that did not come up on google, he refused to apologise. It was all "yes, but we had to check … I'm watching you now … it because it seems that you're too talented."

So, if you have talent, you're accused of cheating, but left alone if you're mundane? Jesus, no wonder they accuse schools of failing us.

Speaking of, there was this article I read in the paper the other day by some prat named Lindsay – who, by the way, was a man – that was basically a plea along the lines of "please black people, read. Black people don't read. Black kids need to read too."

What a piece of racist, biased shit!

For starters, I'm white and guess what? I don't have a copy of Jane Austen or Wordsworth tucked in my bag to read on the bus. I defy you to find me any kid, white or black that enjoys reading classics now. Stereotypes like this are utterly ridiculous, and they also alienate people of different colours from each other. So, you assume black kids don't read because … what? You're a pompous, racist shit who thinks that you're better than everyone else … ooh, because you enjoy reading books and assume that nobody else does? Because you're just so intellectual like that?

Kids don't really read any more, unless it's a gossip mag or the best magazine in the world, 4-4-2 (kudos to anyone who actually knows what it is. Double kudos to those who read it). Guess what? TV is addictive. Internet is addictive. Even if there are those who enjoy reading, like me, it doesn't automatically mean that I can't be black … even though I'm not, but that's beside the point. How can you assume that someone is smart just because of his or her appearance? That's like saying all athletes are black and all intellectuals are white. Last time I checked, that wasn't the case.

This is just a ridiculously stupid stereotype written by someone who's still living in the 50s and convinced that they're always right. People don't read anymore, regardless of skin colour. It has never, ever, been 'cool' to read books, and most teenagers are too busy worrying about being 'cool' and the size of their boobs/dicks to actually care about reading.

I mean, which sounds more likely?

Hi! I'm Sammy and I'm 15. In my spare time, I like to read books, especially classics. I have a soft spot for Dickens, and I also like reading poetry.

sami. reppin norf west. 15. Luv bare ma girlss. clubbin is sickk, espesh wen da boyz come. redin is for poofs. i have 34DD tits.

(Also, I think I am suffering some form of bra-envy. My goal is to fill an A cup by the summer. Moronic perceptions of beauty.)

Can anyonestand this new trend for these chavvy girls to pose ludicrously with pouts and bottles of booze in pictures? I mean, most of them are from posh, rich kid schools and they aren't even real drinkers. What does posing like that say? Oh, look at me; I can pose with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice! I get 'smashed' every night, I'm so 'cool' … look, and I even have the token fag in my hand!

No. Just … no.

I mean, this type of person is obviously a chav who only cares about showing people she's so "smashedd" and "bare rebeliouss bbs" ... but if you actually suggest to her that she do something as nasty as not do her coursework or smoke properly (not just for show in pictures to prove how chavvy she is) ... then wow, what do you think will happen? I can't possibly guess.

Anyone posing like that is just ASKING to have his or her picture put up online. Face it; they probably already HAVE it on facebook just to prove how "hardcore" and "buff tings" and "REBELLIOUS" they are, so why not take the piss out of it? It's fitting, anyway.

If you must take pictures of yourselves looking like 6-year-olds trying on mummy's heels for the first time, and if you must post them up despite saying you look "butters" so everyone sees how 'secretly rebellious you are, then you're ASKING for the world to tell you the truth about yourself. These silly sluts need to stop acting like they're 'awesome' because they can down a bottle of WKD. Guess what? So can I. do I post pictures everywhere of it? No.

If you must take a picture of yourself with booze, take it with properbooze, like vodka or (the ultimate god of drinks) gin. Then actually, take a picture of yourselfdrinking it, not pouting with a bottle like some prostitute who's insecure about their status as a member of the female race. Then, try to out drink Sammy. Which is something that few can do.

This post has been temporarily hijacked by a drunk Arsenal fan who is … erm … supposedly your author. You shall now observe a minute's cheering for the mighty, mighty Arsenal beating the scum AC Milan by two goals to nil. You shall then marvel at the Arsenal and acknowledge that they are truly the best team in the world and much better than the Sp-rest that emerged from a swamp and the chavvy Mancs and the fat Scousers on benefits and that dirty Russian team in Fulham. Up the Gunners! Bwaha! Yeeeay!
Can't possibly guess what that was about.

See you next time.