Just something I knocked up in English instead of doing an essay about King Lear. Enjoy...if you can.


Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable was a pretentious knob.

He enjoyed labelling everything he possessed with capital letters. Be it his Fortress Of Excellence or his Princely Haircut, everything he owned was given this treatment. He was in charge of a large portion of territory which had no name. Instead, when people wanted to refer to the territory they had to blink very quickly and make a small whistling noise. Originally the territory was called Smithton but Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable was a pretentious knob and changed this.

Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable had a set of Glorious Battle Armour and a Sword Of Ineffable Slaughter which he wielded quite frequently. He was a very able soldier and enjoyed killing things a lot. The only thing he liked more than killing things was killing things for a noble cause. In the past fortnight alone he had managed to capture the infamous Fiddle-Playing Thieves Of Blurgh, decapitate the Indecapitatable Troll Of Mickeynine and rid the village of Pancreas of the Swamp Witch Trfglws, which bore the ungodly curse of having absolutely no vowels in its name.

The other princes in the land thought Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable was a pretentious knob. They were often forced to stay inside their castles, shuffling cards or staring out the window in boredom due to the fact that Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable was performing every noble deed that needed to be performed. Barely any sorcerers were being evil anymore because of Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable and most of the dragons had retreated north to the lands of the Hippies where they could frolic, free from danger, amongst the cute woodland animals beneath rainbows and shooting stars.

However, one day an evil king known as Evil King decided to amass an army for no particular reason. He was evil so it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The Evil King's army grew quickly as he accumulated all sorts of evil things such as goblins, things that shoot fire and the few dragons that still had some balls. They hadn't decided to do anything in particular but because they were evil they captured a random princess who held the secret to granting some magical wish which would save the world from a dark curse.

All the princes of the land knew that this was their chance to show up Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable and quickly made their was to the Evil King's lair which was a tall, dark and pointy tower that was heavily guarded by his evil hoards and surrounded by a never ending lightning storm and impassable tract of vast wasteland inhabited only by mutant lizard-men and blackened trees. There was a volcano somewhere nearby as well.

"Did everyone make sure not to tell Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable about Evil King and his hoards of equal evil?" asked one of the princes (called Bob), who had a British accent even though there was no such place as Britain, as they stood outside the foreboding walls of the Evil King's lair.

"Yes," came the general reply from the other princes.

"Good," said the prince with the British accent. "Now let's kill this Evil King, save the princess and party!"

"Woot!" came the general reply from the other princes.

They all prepared to assault lair but before they could bravely charge into a wall of arrows they heard the sound of someone riding up to them.

"Hey guys! What's happening?" said Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable as he rode up on his Mighty Stallion Of Destiny.

"Bloody hell Brefa'niian'trelut! How did you find this place?" asked the prince with the British accent in annoyance.

"I guess I'm just good at finding things; and at most things," replied Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable ostentatiously as he climbed off his Mighty Stallion Of Destiny. "Wow! What an awesome lair! Clearly not as awesome as my Fortress Of Excellence, but still alright. There must be heaps of evil things to kill in there."

"Yes there is," said the prince with the British accent. "But we've called dibs on it so you can just go home and name your kettle or something."

"Oh, I've named it already. Come on, now that I'm here I might as well help you kill whatever evil ruler lives inside," said Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable.

"No you pretentious knob! We hate you!" said the prince with the British accent but Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable took this as playful banter and laughed obnoxiously.

"I hate you too," he sniggered as he drew his Sword Of Effable Slaughter from its Scabbard Of Everlasting Vengeance. "Well come along on now! Let us go rescue the princess! And when I say 'us' I mean 'me'!"

"He even knows about the bloody princess!" cried out the prince with the British accent in disbelief as Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable began to run at the foreboding walls of the Evil King's lair.

"Cha'mone!" bellowed Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable as he charged forward. Suddenly thousands of arrows shot up into the sky; fired by the many archers that lined the outer walls of the lair. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable easily side stepped these despite their numerical superiority. He continued to run until he made it to the gate of the lair which had been conveniently left open by the janitor. Rushing into the Evil King's inner courtyard of doom, Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable was met with the sight of one hundred and thirty three highly armed barbarian warriors. He proceeded to cut through them as wave after wave crashed upon him like some kind of lethargic ocean. Soon all one hundred of the barbarian warriors were dead or just pretending to be. The archers on the walls began to fire down at him once again. He reacted quickly, dodging the arrows as he pompously made his way to the top of the walls where he began to unceremoniously end each of their lives. Some of the archers chose to throw themselves off the walls just so the agony of impending death was not prolonged. After the archers had been dealt with Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable jumped off the walls, landing safely in a pile of pillows and made his way across the inner courtyard of doom to the entrance of the Evil King's black tower of peril.

Within lay an entire legion of goblins which gave an enraged shriek similar to the one a woman makes when she's told she's obese. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable gave a showy grin as he started to cut off each goblins arms just so he could laugh at them as they ran around looking down at their dismembered limbs which they could not pick up. In five minutes, roughly five hundred goblins had lost their arms and roughly one thousand arms lay discarded on the floor. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable laughed and performed a small moonwalk before making his way through the mess of body parts to a staircase which he climbed imperturbably, disposing of any unfortunate being of evil that chanced to cross his path. Halfway up the tower three dragons, black as some blind guy's vision, appeared. Their stereotypical appearance did little to startle Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable who attacked as though it was as simple as smacking a child in the face with a fish. The dragons spat archetypal fire at him which he managed to ward off by giving a self-confident look. Thrusting his sword forward he cut open the belly of one of the dragons which consequentially died. Out, from the exposed stomach of the dragon, came a man who was missing an eyebrow.

"Thankyou kind stranger!" he said happily. "That dragon ate me whole!"

Suddenly the man was snapped up by one of the two remaining dragons which made sure to chew before swallowing. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable went about avenging the man jumping onto one of the dragons backs which spread its wings in surprise and took off into the lightening filled sky with the other dragon not too far behind. They flew up higher and higher till they were at the very top of the Evil King's black tower of peril. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable quickly killed the dragon he was riding on before jumping across to the one flying not too far behind. Stabbing it through the head with his Sword Of Effable Slaughter, he jumped off it before it plummeted back to the ground, swan-dived elegantly forwards and through the window of the room at the very top of the tower which of course was where the Evil King and the princess were. He landed gracefully, quickly smoked a cigarette and turned to face his enemy.

The Evil King was huge; as tall as a six-foot five-inch tree, and had two legs that enabled him to stand. He grinned evilly as Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable made his entrance. Behind the Evil King was a princess, dressed in a pink fluffy dress and tall conical hat with a flowing ribbon at its top. She stared at him nonchalantly, as though she was sick of this scenario occurring over and over.

"Well if it isn't Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable," said Evil King evilly, seemingly having knowledge of Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable's existence. Probably evil knowledge.

"And if it isn't an Evil King," responded Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable. "Prepare to meet thy doom evil-doer!"

Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable raised his Sword Of Effable Slaughter and charged at Evil King who raised his own sword evilly. With a quick movement the Evil King jabbed forward, piercing Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable's Glorious Battle Armour and stabbing him in the stomach. Prince Brefa'niian'trelut The Unpronounceable fell forward and died, most likely from the stab wound.

A few minutes later, the prince with the British accent made it to the top of the tower and killed the Evil King. He then married the princess and they had two hundred babies.

The moral of this story: don't be a pretentious knob.