Dear Nathaniel Hawthorne,

You are a sexy, sexy man.
It's a shame you lived so long ago-
Before the time of fangirls,
And fanboys,
Driven wild by your prose.
How could anyone have resisted you:
Taut sentence structure,
Perfect grammar,
Chiseled details,
And carelessly cruel symbolism?
Oh, Nathaniel!
Can I call you Nate?