The Rabbit

A Short Story

Once upon a time, there was this cute, little, fuzzy, white rabbit.

And he had a dream, a dream that, one day, all of his multiple offspring would live in a world where they were judged, not by the color of their fur, but by the content of their nests.

This cute, little, fuzzy, white rabbit's name was Sesom.

One day, as Sesom was wandering around, minding his own business, a good friend of his, Bocaj, came hopping up, panting heavily.

"Why, Bocaj, what brings you here, so out of breath?" Sesom asked, ears moving to listen for danger.

"Our people are being captured to harvest LUCKY RABBIT'S FEET!" Bocaj exclaimed.

"Well, if they're getting captured, then they aren't very lucky, are they!" Sesom joked, before he realized the implications of Bocaj's statement. Suddenly, Sesom's eyes grew wide. "O no!" He exclaimed, and scurried quickly away, to avoid being captured himself.

Bocaj shook his head. "The coward!" And then bounded after Sesom.

The End

"Wait, wait, wait!" My editor screamed. "That can't be the whole thing! Where's the lesson? The finale? The action?!"

I just shrugged. "I had a word limit?" I offer lamely as an excuse.

"I can't market this! No one wants to read a story about cowardly rabbits!"

"What if I made them bunnies?"

"What if I ripped up your paycheck?!"

"That's not even related."

"No story, no money!"

"Grrr…"

"GO!!"

So, here I am: back at square one.

The Rabbit: Take Two

A Longer Short Story

Previously:

Suddenly, Sesom's eyes grew wide. "O no!" He exclaimed, and scurried quickly away, to avoid being captured himself.

Bocaj shook his head. "The coward!" And then bounded after Sesom.

When Bocaj finally caught up with Sesom, they were in a small cave with a lone bush. (How does a cave form around a bush? It's simple, really- the cave men wanted to celebrate Christmas, but they found that, come winter, all of the trees disappeared, so they found a bush that they liked, and started throwing rocks at each other. I guess to get their attention, or something. Anyway, after they were done throwing rocks at each other, they started throwing rocks at the bush. I guess because they didn't like his foreign policy or ideas about fences. After the bush recited "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" a couple of times, confusing the cave men, because the only knew the word "oil," the cave men decided that they needed to protect this specimen of confusion, for a later date when they might have the technology to understand it. Thus, a cave was formed around a bush. See? Simple.)

"You coward!" Bocaj admonished. "Our kindred are losing their feet, and all you can do is run!"

"Well," Sesom began, "All I ever wanted was for my children to be able to grow up in a world where they were judged, not by the color of their fur, but the content of their nest. I don't want to be the rabbit that saves everyone from being footless!"

Bocaj sighed.

Suddenly, there was a flash, and the bush in the cave was on fire! Startled, Bocaj and Sesom began running around in circles.

"Oh no! What do we do? What do we do-oo?!" They wailed.

"Shh… it's okay." The bush said.

"AAH! A TALKING BUSH!" Bocaj exclaimed, and increased the fervor in which he was running around in circles.

"Well…" The bush mused, "I suppose that a talking bush would seem abnormal to a rabbit… But that's neither here nor there… Anyway! I am God, and I need to speak with Sesom!"

"Uh…" Sesom stopped running. "Why?"

"I need you to save your people!" The bush exclaimed.

"Oh no! I've seen those bible story specials on PBS! I'm not going to go argue with someone bigger than me, just to walk around a desert for forty years without food or water! I am not a camel!" Sesom replied.

"I never said you were a camel." God corrected.

"And what about that whole 'forty year' thing?" Sesom asked, "Whatcha gonna do about that?"

"You're a rather uppity rabbit…" God reflected.

"I'm not uppity!" Sesom protested. "I just value my life!"

"Stupid rabbit… always has a come back for everything…" God grumbled. "Look, the bottom line is, you have to save your fellow rabbits' feet!"

"I have to, or you want me to? Because, I'm pretty sure all I have to do is eat, drink and sleep." Sesom retorted.

"AAARGH!" God yelled, and suddenly the bush was extinguished.

The End

"…" My editor stared at me.

"What? It's longer, it has a moral!" I exclaimed.

"And what moral is that? That you can defy God's will?" My editor questioned.

"No! Not that you can defy God's will… just that God can be, you know, reasoned with." I replied, with yet another very lame answer.

"And what was the thing about the cave men?!"

"Comic relief?"

"COMIC RELIEF?! I'LL SHOW YOU COMIC RELIEF!"

"Oh, so you're going to magically dispose of David Spade?"

"… your humor is not amusing…"

"Maybe not to you- but there's this whole untapped market of people with a strange sense of humor!"

"Oh? Really? What do you call 'The Onion' or 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart' or 'The Colbert Report'?"

"Satirical."

"…"

"What?"

My editor sighed. "Why don't you write an uplifting story? You know, one with a happy ending."

"But happy endings are so cliché!"

"But they sell."

"So do cigarettes. What's your point?"

"Bring me back a story that sells, or else…"

"Or else…?"

"NO PAYCHECK!!"

And thus, here I am: back at square one.

The Rabbit: Take Three

A longer short story with a happy ending

Previously:

"AAARGH!" God yelled, and suddenly the bush was extinguished.

Sesom sighed, relieved that he had managed to avoid something that would most likely be unpleasant.

"You know…" Bocaj began, as he stopped running around in circles, "Maybe that God guy has a point…"

Sesom stared at him. "If he has a point, why don't you listen to him?"

"Because I value my feet." Bocaj replied.

Sesom rolled his eyes. "Hypocrite." He muttered.

Suddenly, the bush began burning even more intensely than it had the first time.

"All right, you listen to me you rabbit you!" God exclaimed. "Somebody needs to save all of the rabbit's feet. And I have determined, through a careful analysis of all of the available data, as well as a very long Session meeting, which got no where except to say that we needed more committees, that you are the only rabbit for this very important task."

"If I am the only rabbit for this 'very important task'…" Sesom began, but was interrupted by God:

"Did you just air quote?! Are you telling me that a rabbit used an air quote?! Why oh why did someone invent the air quote?! I hate air quotes!!"

Sesom cleared his throat. "Ahem. As I was saying… If I am the only rabbit for this 'very important task', then how come you're just now coming to me, trying to solve the problem after it's reached its worst, as opposed to doing something about it before it happened? It seems to me that, if you really are a 'master planner', then you would have had me do something about the problem before it was actually a problem!"

"I can't do that." God replied.

"Because…"

"Because it would mess up the delicate balance that is the cosmos, that's why."

"…"

"What?"

"That's a pretty lame excuse."

God sighed. "If anyone was meant to understand me, then I wouldn't be an enigma."

"Are you a big fan of circular logic?"

"When it keeps me mysterious, yes."

"…"

"Anyway, as I was saying, you need to save your kindred!"

"And how do you propose that I do that?"

"Well…"

A few moments later…

"Earth!"

"Fire!"

"Wind!"

"Water!"

"Heart!"

All five: "Go Planet!"

Random chorus: "Captain Planet, he's our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero…"

"AAAH! ENOUGH!" Sesom exclaimed. "If I wanted stereotyped teenagers with special abilities, I would have contacted the Power Rangers!"

"Ninja Storm?" Captain Planet asked.

"Any of them!" Sesom replied. "And besides, how are you six supposed to help?"

"Well…" Captain Planet began. "Rabbits are good for the environment. Captain Planet is good for the environment. Thus, if we work together, then we will be great for the environment!"

"Riiiiiiiiiight…" Sesom replied.

God sighed. "This isn't going to work…"

"Tell you what, how about we take Mr. Fire and Ms. Wind over there and have them create some lightening or something, and then attack the poacher's headquarters." Sesom suggested. "That way, I'll still live!"

Captain Planet mused over Sesom's proposition for a few moments. "Nope, sorry, can't. Lightening would be bad for the environment."

Sesom stared at him.

"I can't do anything that would harm the environment." Captain Planet shrugged. "Sorry."

Sesom just hopped away, back to the cave, where Bocaj was sleeping.

"Look…" God began. "All you have to do is sneak up on the camp, and open up the latch on the pen."

"With what? My teeth?" Sesom asked.

"No, with your- oh, right." God nervously chuckled. "Rabbit's don't have opposable thumbs…"

"Not my fault…" Sesom muttered.

"Look, so there are a few tiny flaws in my plan. But I have human qualities, right?" God asked.

"Yes, you have human qualities." Sesom agreed. "Except for that whole infallible thing."

"Well if you're such a brilliant head, why don't you come up with a plan then?" God indignantly asked.

"I will!" Sesom exclaimed, and then proceeded to pace. "Now… it has to be simple, yet complicated… effective, yet not too complex… good, but not… well, bad… Hmm… I know! I'll dig a tunnel!"

"That might take awhile…" God interjected.

"Not if I have Bocaj helping. Plus, maybe, if the other rabbits see what I'm doing, they'll start helping themselves and dig from the other side!" Sesom exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down.

"Actually…" God mused. "That might work…"

And so, Sesom and Bocaj headed to the poacher's camp and began digging a tunnel right outside of the holding pen. A few of the rabbits inside noticed what they were doing, and began to dig themselves. Soon, after a half hour or so of hard work, the two sides met, and all of the rabbits in the pen were set free, able to hop away into the night, with their feet still attached.

The End (Finally!)

"So what's the moral of the story?" My editor asked, clueless as usual.

"That, through hard work, you can make your situation better, and that you aren't alone." I replied.

"Huh…"

"Huh?! You mean I toil away, minute after minute, fingers typing furiously, to produce a finished product that you'll accept, and all you can say is 'Huh'?!"

"Well, I am a man of few words."

"And few brain cells…" I muttered.

"Well, I think that this should be good enough for chapter one…"

"Chapter one?!"

"Yes- short stories don't sell. The publisher wants a novella."

"Use big print. And pictures."

"Won't do."

"Based on what?!"

"Look, I don't make the rules- I just enforce them."

"This isn't a rule… this is tyranny!"

fin