(a/n: excuse me for the spew of word-vomit that you're about to read)
The Art Of Breaking Up
I, Eric Grey (Captain of the soccer team, Apple of every girl's eye, Valley High's Salutarian - class of '06, Future American President and/or Future cover of Playgirl, Future father to many babies scattered across the fifty contiguous states - maybe even a few in Europe or Asia or Africa or Antarctica… are there females in Antarctica?) am about to break up with my girlfriend, Lillian… uh…
It doesn't matter.
What's important is that I - yes, I, Eric Grey, etc. etc. etc. - am going to teach you the art of breaking it off with a girl you've been dating for approximately one week, give or take a few days.
First of all, the most important thing you must know is that the female heart is very fragile. They're really such delicate objects and must be treated with the utmost care. Observe.
I dial Lillian's phone number.
"Hello?" she picks up.
"Hey, love," I say happily as to give her the impression that I'm happy and still very much care for her. Which… I do. I'd just care more if she weren't such a prude. It's been an entire week and she still wont have sex with me!
Do you know how many girls would want to have sex with me?!
Well first, there's Jenna, head cheerleader, then there's Gabriella, she's got the leading role in this spring's school play, then there's the rest of the female population in the school - the town, no, the world - given that they're not of the gay … All in all, Lillian should feel very honored that I would give her the time of day. But no! She's all into the shy, "Oh, I'm not ready yet, Eric." And being the absolute gentleman I am, I've given her time. I would wait an hour for her to get ready, then go for it again only to be pushed back!
A man can only take so much.
"Hey, what's up?" she asks.
It is time to do the buttering up. Look very carefully.
"Listen, darling" I start - it is imperative to call your girlfriend pet names. Girls dig it. Lillian makes this sound from the other end - it sounds like a scratchy burp mixed into a cough. See? She's already tongue-tied.
Unfortunately, she cuts me off with a "Wait, before you go on - " and I sigh. Now, I must be subjected to hours of boring girl-ramble. They really can go on so long and -
"We need to talk - " she says.
Oh no! See, most males know those four words as 'Famous Last Words.' I've come to know them as 'Famous Last Words Before Confessions of Undying Love.' I must abort this operation! Quick! I must avert her from the horrible "I love you" proclamations! What should I say?
"The weather!" I exclaim. See, it is smart to immediately direct the conversation to something much more neutral when trying to distract. "It's lovely!"
"Huh?" she sounds flustered. Poor girl. She must really be nervous. Finally, she responds tentatively, "Yeah, I suppose it's … nice."
Well, maybe it wasn't such a great idea to use the weather. It seems that it's burnt out quickly which can only mean -
"Anyways, this is kind of important - " she continues right back onto her previous track. No!
See, once a girl has admitted her love for you, you have two options: you can say those horrid words back or you can… not. The thing of it is - if you not, the girl in question will oftentimes start getting rather emotional and may even start crying which is never a good thing.
"I think we should break up," she says.
"Yes," I mutter, not really listening as I continue to ponder the intrigues of the female's mind. Wait, what? "Wait, what?"
That bitch stole my line!
Author's Note: So... yeah. I have no clue why I wrote this - I just found it in the old file of crap I've written and was like "haha, oh!" I have a feeling I was planning to go on, but I thought the last line clipped it short rather nicely - I mean, if it did go on, it would just be more... spews of word-vomit from the narration of a character that I (myself) don't really like all that much. So let's leave it at that.
Now, on to see what other trash I have saved on my computer.