March 9, 2007
Jamie broke up with me today.
Well, first he invited me over after school. Which, I guess I should have thought of as strange. He never invited me over his house. I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't want his parents to meet me. Because that would just be too 'complicated'.
I guess I just kind of..threw it off as boyfriend stuff. Plus, they were out of town so..maybe he really DID just want to hang out. So, nothing to worry about, right?
He told me I was too obsessed with my weight.
Because I wouldn't eat the stupid cookie.
He was TESTING me.
("Just eat it!" "No!")
Did I really NEVER eat in front of him..?
Not even once?
Maybe that's not SO outlandish a thought. It's not like I was going to throw up with him around. That'd be gross. Such a turn off, you know?
But even if it's not him around, I really usually won't eat unless I know I can get away with..getting rid of it all.
He wasn't worth getting upset over. If he couldn't even introduce me to his family, like I was some kind of embarrassment?!, he wasn't even worth dating.
I do kinda feel bad about getting overly upset and throwing up in his sink, though.
(but not that bad.)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I just need to write this. Not for anyone to see, just to get it out.
I'm so scared after this conversation just now. Are my views that unhealthy? Am I really hurting myself? Is it that distorted?
I don't know.
I'm just..I'm so obsessed. I can hardly even watch TV anymore. I almost cry when I see these tiny people on the screen and oh my god..I just want to be them so bad.
I make myself throw up.
But I'm not bulimic.
It's okay because I don't do it that bad. Only when I see those people. Or when I see myself. Or when I see someone overweight.
And then I just get
and I have to throw up.
But it's okay because I don't do it ALL the time, and I'm good about it.
What I mostly worry about is the bruises I give myself when I get so upset and just..pinch where it's wrong. Where it needs to change. I hope to god nobody ever sees them. I'm so happy I don't have swimming anymore.
But I'm terrified of gym.
Yesterday after dinner I went upstairs to make myself feel better
I always play music pretty loud so that they won't hear anything. I'm scared of being found out most of all. Which is why I rarely do it in public places. Never at school. Except for that one time, but that was a day when I was just really out of it and stuff.
It was only about two songs when there was a huge knock on my door.
And just before I'd gone up my mom was like, "What're you going upstairs for?" and I was like, "Nothing."
And she looked so..suspicious. Smirking and everything.
I'm scared to death.
I don't want to get sent away.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
God, I hate myself sometimes.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Oh my god.
They caught me.
They really caught me.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Oh my god.
They're in the other room now. They sent me to my room.
Like I'm some kind of child that did wrong.
I hate them all.
Why can't I live MY life me way?
What's going to happen to me now..?
They decided that I need to be sent to 'counseling' and 'rehab'
IT'S MY LIFE.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH ANYTHING.
I don't have to stop.
It's not hurting me.
(please believe me.)
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Woah. Long time no update, huh? Not like anyone actually reads this stupid blog anyways. Half of them were 'diary' anyways.
I guess I kinda owe you guys an explanation.
But I feel a little like I should do it in person, maybe.
if you really care to know why I've been too busy for you all for the past like..month;
Talk to me.
(I guess IM would work, too.)
3: 22 PM – 2 comments – View – Add Comment
Uh, okay. Your cell is turned off..
I'll just IM you then.
Posted by James (Is Much Cooler Than You) on Saturday, April 21, 2007 at 4:56 PM
OMG. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU HXC. Totally talking to you about this in lunch tomorrow!! Wtfff now you've got me all worried. ): ): ):
Posted by Kay-Lee 3333333 on Saturday, April 21, 2007 at 6: 19 PM
Hi Im James (11:10:11 PM): hey
DigitalEnsalada (11:10:05 PM): Hi..
Hi Im James (11:10:11 PM): I read your blog. Uh..what's going on??
DigitalEnsalada (11:10:54 PM): You kind of already know. Kind of.
Hi Im James (11:10:53 PM): ...???? What??
DigitalEnsalada (11:11:30 PM): Well, it's kinda why we broek up.
DigitalEnsalada (11:11:32 PM): broke
Hi Im James (11:11:45 PM): O.
Hi Im James (11:12:06 PM): So..you're annorexic?
DigitalEnsalada (11:12:30 PM): No!!
DigitalEnsalada (11:12:31 PM): Well
DigitalEnsalada (11:12:34 PM): not really.
DigitalEnsalada (11:12:42 PM): Bulimic..I guess...
Hi Im James (11:12:41 PM): You guess??
DigitalEnsalada (11:13:11 PM): You know what I mean.
Hi Im James (11:13:09 PM): So..your seeing someone about it?
Hi Im James (11:13:45 PM): ...???
DigitalEnsalada (11:14:12 PM): Sorry, got distracted.
DigitalEnsalada (11:14:15 PM): Yeah.
DigitalEnsalada (11:14:23 PM): Most days after school.
DigitalEnsalada (11:14:40 PM): And I has to stay a weekend with them so they could 'check me out'.
Hi Im James (11:14:29 PM): O.
Hi Im James (11:14:31 PM): So
Hi Im James (11:14:41 PM): Your better now,r ite..?
DigitalEnsalada (11:15:32 PM): Well, I'm getting there.
DigitalEnsalada (11:15:35 PM): I don't do it any more.
DigitalEnsalada (11:15:48 PM): Not like I could..my parents are like hawks..
Hi Im James (11:15:45 PM): lol. You cant blame them.
DigitalEnsalada (11:16:13 PM): I guess not.
Hi Im James (11:16:33 PM): Well, w/e.. i g2g. see you at school or something.
DigitalEnsalada (11:17:01 PM): Bye!
Hi Im James signed off at 11:17:07 PM.
Hi Im James has signed off and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Okay, nothing. Guilty! I was running late and couldn't grab
Lunch- Half a sandwich and most of the bag of carrots from Kayleigh. Hey, she didn't want them!!
Dinner- Friend chicken. Ew. Double ew. I know.
I'm keeping my food down better. Well, it's settling better. I don't want to throw up (even without the use of my handy-dandy finger ((and/or toothbrush))!!) everything I eat anymore. This is even twice as much as I used to eat a MONTH ago. Well, unless I was ready to 'purge'. That's the super cool word I learned in therapy today. It's a better way to say 'throw up', 'puke', or 'retch'.
A month ago…
That seems so..far away.
But it's really not. I'm making great progress, apparently. That's what my councilor said, anyways.
I'm actually surprised by myself.
I don't think even a normal person can keep down this fried shit.
You'd think they'd pity the recovering bulimic and make something edible, maybe?
7: 42 PM – 1 comments – View – Add Comment
Lol. Dillian, you're SUCH a qt 3.14! (cutiepie, get it??)
ILUILUILU and if you ever need anything (uhm..new dinner??) you KNOW my number!!
Posted by Kay-Lee 3333333 on Monday, April 23, 2007 at 8: 04 PM
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:40:10 PM): DILLYYYY!!!
DigitalEnsalada (10:40:50 PM): (: Hey Kay.
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:40:53 PM): OMG WHATS UP??
DigitalEnsalada (10:41:23 PM): Not much. Cleaning from dinner. You?
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:41:33 PM): Saaame. ): ): )+ homework after. Gag me with a spoooon.
DigitalEnsalada (10:42:03 PM): Lol. (:
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:41:53 PM): so
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:41:59 PM): you're okay right??
DigitalEnsalada (10:42:26 PM): ..?
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:42:18 PM): YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:42:20 PM): about the whole
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:42:22 PM): thing.
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:42:24 PM): and stuff
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:42:26 PM): ):
DigitalEnsalada (10:43:21 PM): Oh, yeah! Lol, (: I'm getting better, anyways.
DigitalEnsalada (10:43:23 PM): like
DigitalEnsalada (10:43:27 PM): the lady said
DigitalEnsalada (10:43:30 PM): i'm losing my
DigitalEnsalada (10:43:34 PM): "urge to purge"
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:43:23 PM): lol, that's cATCHY
DigitalEnsalada (10:45:08 PM): lol, guess so. (:
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:12 PM): ok well
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:22 PM): stupid english essay due t-morrow
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:22 PM): well
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:26 PM): today (:
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:35 PM): so i gotta jet
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:45:36 PM): BYEBYEEE
DigitalEnsalada (10:46:04 PM): Haha, bye!!!
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:47:04 PM): OH
xxColourMeEmoxx (10:47:20 PM): i'm bringing you something nice in lunch tomorrow (: K BYE!!!
DigitalEnsalada (10:47:58 PM): BYE!
Auto Response from xxColourMeEmoxx (11:47:40 PM): ew homework
DigitalEnsalada (10:48:22 PM): Now I'll be wondering what it is all night ):
Auto Response from xxColourMeEmoxx (11:48:04 PM): ew homework
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Perhaps my very last 'diary' entry for a long time. I'm just so EXCITED!!
Jamie came and talked to me today
For the first time since we broke up.
Like actually in school.
He SMILED (!!) and everything.
What if because I changed he asks me out again??
What if I get to meet his family again?
WE COULD GO OUT TO DINNER AND STUFF.
That would be really fun.
And no fears this time.
If he does, I think..I just might die.
(In the good way.)