Bob wandered around aimlessly. Sure, he'd been sent on a quest but he had absolutely no idea where he was going! It wasn't like there was a quest guide or something and he had no idea how to get to the dragon's lair.
Sighing dejectedly Bob sat down with his back against a tree. He saw that there was a sign nailed into the ground next to him.
Beware! This is an enchanted tree! You will fall asleep for a hundred minutes if you sit here!
"Ahh poo!" Bob exclaimed before dropping off.
"Gah!" The King ran around the battlements flapping his hands in consternation and generally getting in the way. "Gah! Gah!" The stress had finally gotten to him and now he could only speak in gah language. Native to the country of GahGah and spoken by the Gahjalonians – of which he was one.
"Gah gah gah!" That meant 'He's trying to break down the door. Do something!'
"We're on it Sire," came the immediate response from the Captain of the Guard. Well almost immediate. The captain had to actually run around after the King and catch him before he could tell him.
"Gah." 'Good' "Gah gah" 'Man the catapults'
The captain gave him a funny look. "Are you sure Sire?"
"Gah ha." 'Yes! Stupid!'
The Captain shrugged and walked away. The next thing the King knew was that the catapults had been released and there were several men flying through the air screaming at the top of their lungs as they flew over the wall.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" 'What the hell just happened?'
"You told us to put men in the catapults Sire!"
"Gah gah ah gah gah gah ha!" 'Man the catapults! Man the catapults! That means allocate people to fire them! Not actually put the men in! Idiot!'
"Gah gah," the king said with resignation. 'Just fire the damn bows at them'
"Fire the bows!" the captain yelled and the air was filled with curved pieces of wood.
"WHAT THE…?" the King exclaimed in horror, breaking out of the GahGah language.
"You said to fire the bows, so we fired them at the enemy."
"No! That's not what I meant! When you fire a bow it means shoot the arrow. THE ARROW NUMBSKULL!!!!!!!"
"You really should stop insulting me Sire," the Captain said in a hurt tone.
The King put his head in his hands. "I really don't care at the moment whether your feelings are hurt or not!"
The Captain looked very upset and mumbled 'fine' then stalked off.
The next thing the King knew was that the drawbridge was down and the enemy was swarming into the castle, which just goes to show that you never insult your Captain.
Bob was awoken by the moonlight, and by that I mean he needed a pee, but the other way sounds by far nicer and more romantic. Sleepily he got up and walked away from the enchanted tree, stumbling as he did so into a randomly placed forest that hadn't been there when he'd gone to sleep, but that is completely irrelevant.
Anyway it was no longer dark within the forest because it was all lit with conveniently placed streetlamps. I do love it when such easy modern conveniences are around, don't you? It's no wonder that night never seems to fall in those old fairytales because if it did then nothing would ever get done because the hero's wouldn't be able to see what they were doing! The first thing that the Knights had to do when going on a quest was make a contract with the sun that he wouldn't set for however many days as was required, which was where the time limits for the quests actually came from. If I'm not very much mistaken, the first time that there was a scene when night time was needed the sun was so shocked that it went on strike and refused to give any light for several hours (the government tried to cover this up, calling it a natural phenomenon known as an eclipse. It was however unfortunate for the government that some bragging young scientist who was in on the scheme started making up facts about the solar eclipses which means that the government has to hire the sun every so many years to do exactly the same thing as it had the first time it had gone on strike. Needless to say no one ever spoke to the young scientist again).
So Bob went looking for somewhere to go to the loo and after using the conveniently placed port-a-cabin (that's another thing with quests. The Knights never seem to go to the bathroom – they hold it for the entire duration because it gives them a look of long suffering patience and a little extra boost of speed to get the quest over and done with). As soon as he'd finished he looked around the area and saw trees. A lot of trees. And a lot of signs. Signs nailed to the trees. There were a lot of signs nailed to a lot of trees. Each and every one of those signs announced that the tree was enchanted and that travellers should beware of it. At this point Bob cursed the witches because when a witch is born its very first spell is to enchant a tree and consequently there were very few trees that weren't enchanted. Of course it did give the sign makers something to do as they all had to go around and check if a tree was enchanted or not and then make a sign for the tree accordingly.
"Oh! I'm sorry!" Bob whined after bumping into a small Goblin like creature, which turned out to be a Squirrel.
"Never mind," the Squirrel said, looking rather rabid. "Take this potion."
"I'd rather not," replied Bob, backing away.
"Why are you backing away?" the Squirrel said in a hurt tone of voice. "It's because I look rabid isn't it? It's not my fault. I was born like it!"
Bob apologised profusely (still scared that if he didn't it'd attack him) and took the potion.
"It's a wishes potion. When you drink it what you wish for will come true. I decided to give it to you because you're so weedy that you'll probably need to drink it in order to win your quest and live happily ever after."
Bob tucked it into his belt where it wobbled precariously and asked the helpful Squirrel one final question, "How do I find the Dragon's Lair?"
The Squirrel gave him a scathing look. "You follow the signs imbecile."
Bob looked down at the path, which was indeed marked with signs directing him to the Dragon's lair.
"Oh right. Thanks."
"Whatever idiot," the Squirrel replied, rolling its eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go kill and eat some children."
Bob blinked in confusion as the Squirrel scampered happily off.
"You'll never take me alive!" The King screamed at Flower.
Flower raised his eyebrows at him and indicated the two guards holding the King's arms. "I believe I just did."
"Gah," the King muttered.
"Bring down your eldest, and therefore by Fairy Tale rules prettiest, daughter, so that I can force her into marriage with me, which she will have to go through because nobody ever seems to realise that they don't actually have to say 'I do' at the ceremony."
The King stared at him. "You do understand which kingdom you're taking over don't you? My eldest daughter isn't the prettiest of the two."
Flower waved his hand airily, "That's neither here nor there, though it is a vast disappointment that I can't inherit the throne and have the prettiest. This must be one of those annoying stories where it's the youngest daughter that's the most beautiful."
"Yes, but you can't marry her either," the King said slowly, "because she has recently been kidnapped by a Dragon."
Flower glared at him. "I must say that I think this a great slight on my honour sir! She must have known I was coming and to book a Dragon Kidnapping at the very same time is a gross unfairness."
"Very well. Send for the other daughter then."
The King flinched, "Are you…sure?"
"Of course I'm sure."
With a great deal of muttering the King asked one of the palace guards – who had been relieved of all his weaponry – to go and fetch Princess Ug-Lee. The soldier shuddered in horror and walked from the room like a man condemned (it would be prudent to note here that most men tend to walk like this when facing anything remotely related to Ug-Lee and seeing her face).
It wasn't long before Ug-Lee tripped down the stairs, literally, and landed with a bump on the floor.
"Where's the guard?" the King asked with barely suppressed nausea.
"He passed out on my floor." She smiled at the guests and did a little twirl. "Do you wish to marry me?" she asked unabashedly. "I've recently become a widow and am in mourning for my dear husband who you killed."
"He wasn't your husband," the King corrected her.
Flower was staring at her in open-mouthed horror. "What…is…that?" he finally said, finding his voice.
"That…is my daughter," the King replied in exactly the same manner.
Flower gave him a sympathetic look, "I feel your pain. I really do."
"Really?" the King asked hopefully. "Do you feel so sorry for me that you'll leave and never come back?"
"I'm human but I'm still a villain." Flower snapped his fingers. "Throw the King in the dungeon and lock…that…thing back into her tower."
"Why?" Princess Ug-Lee protested as she was dragged off.
"For goodness sake," Flower yelled after the guards and Princess, "someone give her a mirror!"
A few moments later there was an agonised scream as the Princess saw her reflection for the first time.
Meanwhile Bob was shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other outside the giant cave labelled DRAGON'S LAIR in huge block capitals.
Taking a deep breath he put one hand over his eyes and ran into the entrance blind, smashing into something and tumbling onto the floor in a daze.
"Good morning Sir and how can I help you this fine day?"
Where was that voice coming from? And why was he lying on carpet? And why was everything black?
"I can't see!" he screamed, jumping to his feet. "I'm blind! I'm blind!"
"Sir, your hand is still over your eyes."
Bob removed his hand sheepishly and looked around the well-lit and carpeted reception area. "I'm…erm…here to fight the dragon and rescue the princess," he mumbled.
"Very well. Please take a seat," the receptionist typed something into a computer from behind her mahogany desk. "Do you have an appointment?"
She shook her head, "Then I'm afraid you're out of luck. Mr Pippin Honeybunch is fully booked." There was a sudden crash from a room beyond and a door flew open in a smash of splinters.
Bob cowered into the floor as a giant flaming red dragon strode forcefully into the room on his hind legs and grabbed Bob in one clawed fist.
"Eep," Bob squeaked.
The Dragon drew him slowly up to his mouth then dropped his voice to a whisper. "You've got to save me!" he hissed urgently.
"Wha?" Bob gurgled.
"I'm being kidnapped," Mr Pippin Honeybunch gasped rolling his eyes nervously. "An evil Princess…"
A shudder went straight through the dragon.
"She tricked me," he explained, "and everyone thinks I kidnapped her so no one will help me!"
"HONEYBUNCH!" she shrieked.
Bob managed to wriggle his way out of the hand and dropped to the floor.
"Princess," he choked out.
Princess Princess emerged from the dragon's inner sanctum and ran her eye distastefully over Bob. "You're the one they sent to save me?" She pulled a face. "I'm insulted."
"I'm all there was," Bob explained. "An evil Knight has taken over the castle in my absence."
"How'd you know that?" she asked.
"Newspaper," Bob shrugged.
"Very well," Princess sighed. "I shall go back." She snapped her fingers and Pippin reluctantly lay down so they could sit on his back.
"Tally ho!" and off they flew.
"I demand to know what's going on!" Princess barged into the throne room.
Flower bolted upright on the throne. "How the hell did you get in here?" He paused a moment. "And who the hell are you?"
"I am Princess Princess."
"Wonderful!" Flower announced sarcastically. "Now you can marry me."
"Wait," Bob cried, skidding into the room, "I have a…whoops!" He slipped over and dropped the wish potion he had been carrying so that it smashed on the floor. "Ah poo."
Flower snapped his fingers and Bob dropped through a hidden trap door.
"Nicely done," Princess said admiringly. "I think we should get married and take over the kingdom and then the world!"
"What about your sister?"
"What sister?" Princess grinned evilly.
And so Flower and Princess got married and spent their lives making each other miserable. Pippin was kept as the family dog (and nobody ever realised that he'd been kidnapped). The King lived out his remaining days in the dungeon ordering the rats about. Ug-Lee spent the rest of her life in the Tower crying about her absent good looks and Bob dropped into a black hole and ended up coming out in the story of 'Snow white' where he lost his voice from the shock so was called Dopey and joined the ranks of the Seven Dwarves.
And so no one lived happily ever after.