The Oldest Story


To think that Adam and Eve were the first humans is to agree with most of the educated world.

To think this would also be incorrect.

Before the gods made the rather serious blunder of creating the somewhat domineering Adam (perhaps giving rise to the machismo that seems to be an integral part of any modern man's mindset) and the insipid woman Eve, they had fashioned an altogether more entertaining sort of humanity. In a move that was destined to be never again matched in coolness, the gods, after several centuries of tedious meetings and lively coffee breaks, created two races that would be forever ingrained in the memories of mankind.

The first of these two worthy races were the ninjas. The ninjas, created from the very fabric of darkness, were stealth embodied. Created naked, of course, and without any sense of propriety at all, they ran amok until they collectively realized that trying to execute karate moves in the buff was a somewhat daunting task. Having found out through some shady means that the gods seemed mighty proud of their own robes, the ninjas launched an attack on the divine laundromat and made off with what turned out to be the Goddess of Night's formal dress.

After they successfully made it out of the general area intact, the ninjas set about to solidifying a common code between the lot of them. They convened and quickly agreed that the coolest thing they could possibly do was to try out the stoicism thing: strong and silent and gifted with the ability to leap over whole forests in a single bound. Not all of the ninjas were convinced of the convenience of this code, at first, but as time went on their laws became more complex and the renegade ninjas felt themselves fall into the alluring net that was the ninja way of life.

And so things were peaceful for a while, as the gods plotted and as the ninjas played on mountains and in dark caves. This serenity, however, was not to last, for in only a matter of years the gods proudly unveiled their most recent creation: the pirates.

The ninjas were enraged. This smelly, crass, and raucous lot was to be considered on par with them? Them: the silent, steady, and strong? The disgrace! The shame! The humiliation! They called another convention to discuss the possible ramifications of the presence of the pirates as the pirates themselves set about to setting down their own set of rules.

The pirates did not get about to this for several days, as the first five and a half were spent carousing and stealing nuts from squirrels. After sustaining severe headaches from both endeavors, they skulked towards what they assumed to be their general meeting spot. Once there, they spent several more hours lying to each other and trying to cheat the dumbest of them out of his food. To the delight of the pirates, this was an extraordinary diversion, and so they spent several more days enjoying themselves and making the largest mess they possibly could.

This is why when the ninjas attacked, the pirates were relatively unprepared.

Imagine the poor, poor pirates' surprise when the ninjas leapt from the trees, brandishing their cleverly carved sticks and all screaming in different dialects of unintelligible gibberish. Stunned into frantic and disorganized action, the pirates set about doing the only thing they knew how to do: carousing (violently) and robbing the bodies.

This resulted in casualties on both sides. After the gods intervened and separated the two groups, the pirates picked morosely through their dead, looking for valuables, and the ninjas fell into their first civil war.

The larger group of ninjas thought that they should honor the gods' wills by treating the pirates—dirty, ragged, ruffians they were—with the respect they deserved as fellow members of their limited humanity. A smaller, more volatile sect felt that the gods had left the pirates here with free will, just like everyone else—and so they were free game, and that it was their duty to uphold the purity of ninja-kind by exterminating the pirates.

They agreed, after several nights of sitting in deep meditation, that they would agree to disagree and so split into two separate ninja nations.

This would have been a lovely, peaceful solution, except for the fact that the second sect was violently opposed to any negotiations regarding the pirates, and the additional fact that the pirates were hell bent on the destruction of the entire ninja community.

Ever diplomatic, the gods chose to view this slight disagreement as something vaguely akin to a sibling "squabble".

This "sibling squabble" carried on and escalated until one fateful morning when, several thousand years later, a pirate suddenly realized that contrary to whatever nature may say, she had managed to fall in love with a ninja. This bothered her quite a lot, and her natural reaction was to think up every possible reason to dislike this ninja, which would have worked if it hadn't been for the fact that, as a pirate, she was prone to bouts of wildly irrational behavior, and, as a ninja, he was certainly sneaky about worming his way under her skin. He had given her a present, after all, and it wasn't like she didn't know what that meant.

Pirates rational.

So, to her, it seemed like the only reasonable thing to do was to make this ninja a present and deliver it to him in person.

The gods, seeing this, snickered to themselves and sat back to enjoy the show.

With her present clutched tightly in her hands, she marched bravely (stupidly) up to the ninja's forest and asked politely (rudely) to see the ninja that she had come for. This, naturally, did nothing to assuage the rather tricky situation, and so she instead received the wrath of the ninjas upon her head.

Being a pirate, running away was an option that did not occur to her, and so she stared at the line of ninjas in front of her as if she had never seen anything of the kind. She swallowed and said, bravely (rudely), that she was only here to deliver a present and what the hell was their problem anyway?

This made no substantial philosophical impact on the ninjas, and so it didn't really bother them when they killed her for her impertinence. Wanting to see what kind of foolish pirate trickery she had been up to, they opened up the present and were horrified to see a lovely red piece of cloth with a rather crudely drawn ninja as decoration. They immediately felt horribly contrite, and went to the pirates to apologize for their wrongdoing.

The pirates were not particularly moved by their speech and murdered the ninja they sent to represent the community.

This action sparked another extensive battle, until the gods finally got tired of their fighting and decreed the day Talk Like Your Enemy Day (later evolving into Talk Like a Pirate day, as the pirates had a much more entertaining dialect), officially a day to at least consider the fact that fighting might not be the only option. A brave few actually took the holiday to its extreme and found a pirate or a ninja to exchange a gift with, but that didn't happen often as more often than not these exchanges ended up a bit on the bloody side.

A few years of this rocky holiday and slowly the tension eased between the pirates and ninjas.

Alarmed by the fact that their entertainment was softening up, the gods immediately took advantage of the opportunity and erased both races from the face of the Earth, and began anew with Adam and Eve, whom they had decided was a more long-term investment than the short-termed benefit of watching the pirates and ninjas fight themselves silly.

As time passed, however, the gods began to miss their one-time companions, but they knew that it would be too dangerous to simply place the pirates and the ninjas back into the world as they left it. The only thing they could think of to do was to slowly shift circumstances to a suitable position for the re-entry of the two races into the world.

This time the pirates and the ninjas did not battle it out quite as horribly as they had when they were the only two groups of people in existence, but their time was also over much earlier than it was the first time. Relegated to the history texts, romance novels, and blockbuster movies, pirates and ninjas sat and gathered dust—and so do they still.

Sometimes, however, in the dark of night, boys and girls across the globe are still stirred by an impulse so ancient that they cannot recognize it as what it truly is. The only thing they can think of to do, later, is to find a person— and offer up a present and hope in some distant part of the subconscious that one isn't cut down in an untimely fit of tradition.

The End.