I guess when you lose someone so dear to you, you never realise what you've lost until those hurtful emotions come in. you keep thinking its all your fault whereas different variable could've just added to the situation at hand. I never got to really say a proper goodbye to one of my best friends. You could say we went out separate ways for the better, whereas I got off on the wrong path for the first few weeks of our separation. It was hard to believe that someone I loved so much, someone who was my little brother, could leave as quickly as he came. What surprised me the most was that, I was already calling him my little brother, and he was calling me his older sister and best friend one or two weeks after we had just met. Call me crazy but we came on strongly at first. Having the usual mischief and having a good time in each other's company. We had our tough times and I always felt bad burdening him with the problems I seem to have created or happen to be stuck in. It's not everyday you meet someone who is a tad younger than you yet have the wisdom of a boy your age. It's always hard to find those kind of people who are willing to stay with you till the end, everything was great. As I thought but little did I know we were slowly slipping further and further away from each other.
To be honest I blame myself for this situation. He never really deserved to have been exposed to such problems at such a tender age and I frankly blame myself for all this happening. Maybe if I didn't depend on him as much, things wouldn't have changed and I still would have him around to talk to about the most random things whenever I needed cheering up. Everything and I mean everything has a reason for happening. Whether we like it or not, we all have a reason.
Its not easy for me to pass this off I must admit. I miss him dearly but I've decided to just leave him alone, let him find his own bliss, his own happiness within the other people around him. Not to be bombarded with problems he can't really handle at this very moment. It's just the point of realising that not everyone is up to your level and not everyone can follow your pace. It's a point of slowly down slightly and being able to breathe for a couple of seconds before going crazy at someone or crying yourself to sleep. Every variable can expose you to a negative outcome or a positive outcome. In my end, I received the negative outcome. Not only had I been blind and in doing so, failed to realise that he's only a kid, but I had lost him in the process when I had clearly stated to everyone I know in the world that I've lost enough people already, I didn't need to lose any more. Whereas now I see the reason why I keep losing people is my expectations of them are too high and hard to keep to. It's the matter of trying to understand, not everyone can think like me, and not everyone can live up to my high expectations. I shouldn't have that many expectations anyway but I guess not everyone is perfect.
I no longer exist in his eyes, no matter how many times I've said sorry and no matter how many letters I've written and given to him explaining my behaviours. I guess some things should be left in the past but he is one thing I can't give to the past. I can't give him and his memory away, it's too hard plus it hurts a damn lot. I told him I'll stop calling him, sending him text messages and basically making any form of communication with him. I figure he'll be fine without me since he never really needed me in the first place. He's got a lot of others he can rely on who are pretty much to his level and I know they all love him dearly. I guess he really never knew how much I cared for him as a close friend or as a little brother. You can't buy happiness and with the way our friendship was, I feel like I've been buying his happiness throughout our entire close friendship. I offered to pay for him in various things, gave him lifts everywhere so that he could attend the youth group he loves so much, but there are some things I gave to him that I know had nothing to do with money whatsoever. For instance, care, protection and most of all love. But I guess I never really showed that sort since he's gone now. I guess I protected him way too much, telling him various hints of information for him to be able to have a clean slate and have a good teen hood.
Everyday I look at the necklace he gave me, and I remember the exact words he said to me when he gave it to me.
"Here… Don't take notice of what it says. I didn't know what it said till after I bought it,"
When I looked at what it said, at the time I knew what he meant, but I didn't think in the long run he'd mean that for real throughout the time we've known each other. I loved him very much and now he's gone. Man I regret so many things in life and causing him to suddenly disappear is one of them. It hurts way too much and I can't stand to think I'll be living life by pretending I don't know him but also pretending that we never had anything with each other. We were just people, just people who knew each other but took no notice of each other's existence. Harsh I know but I seriously don't want push it the limits. If I said that I couldn't have it any other way, I would be lying and I'd be shameful of myself for doing so. I really can't cope without him but I guess its God's way of telling me I shouldn't be relying on one person for my entire life especially with the age gap of 4 years, him being the younger one. I guess it's my longing for someone to stick around for the entire show, not leave halfway through. But I'll say it again I blame myself, because he doesn't need these sort of themes in his life and plus it's not fair on him for a soon to be 18-yr-old to be relying on him so much that he alone can't handle. It's like what his best friend at the moment told me.
"He's still young and he can only take so much, Cat,"
When she told me this, I knew she was right. As much as I would have loved to deny it, you can't deny the truth and truth had finally decide to surface at that very time. He's been hanging with her a lot more now; I can't help but envy her in many ways too. She's like one of my best friends from primary school, I've known her for longer, well that's what I think anyway but no body really cares what I think. I envy her so much because she's happy with her life, she's bonded so closely with everyone without a hint of losing any of them. She's always the positive rather than the negative; she's been through struggles yet still stands strong.
It's only a matter of time before I crack, I'm praying for a miracle. That last time I prayed for a miracle was when I was asking God to bless me with a person or a group of people who would help me through the bad times and walking alongside me in my journey to life. That was when I was given my household oneFaith, which was also the same time I met him.
I should've known not everything was built to last. Take me now before I cause more harm unto others I always tell myself when no one is really listening.
"Take me to a place where there is no need for tears, only laughter.
Take me to where everyone is happy to be around each other instead of grudges and verbal war.
Take me to a place where all I need is to be me instead of pretending to be someone else.
Take me now before I cause more harm unto others as well as myself."
Endless nights I just look at my necklace, the one he gave. Hard to believe he was the same person who gave me this necklace. From brother to stranger, it's hard to adjust but I guess I could manage. It's only a matter of time before I do get my wish; to reach the stars, to visit heaven and stay there for good. Because then I know I would have served my time and I know I had a purpose for living. Because then I would be able to watch over my loved ones, guide them spiritually and protect them when they need protecting. But some are reluctant to let me do so, so I guess I just have to wait, until my time is through. I'll just have to protect my loved ones whenever I can whilst I'm down here with them. I won't be doing much of a good job but hey, at least I'm trying right?
At least I'm trying…